Poetry / Distortion (Analysis)

Excellent word choice!  I liked the rhymes, the short, concise lines, and the words you choose are sharp and perfect!

I really liked the “red walls as i fall”, but was less thrilled with the “feet slip slide in the flood” stanza. It seemed a bit less special – kind of like it wasn’t a perfect fit like the other lines.

It may just be where it was longer than the others, and that threw the flow off a bit for me.

Overall, an excellent piece. I’d love to read more!!!

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June 13, 2008

by spincycletexas

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29	75.0% (8 votes)	45.7%

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30	F	La Porte, TX	July 16

Thank you so much. I find that when one sentence is a bit longer than the others it throws me off and I don’t like that either. i just couldn’t come up with a better phrase.

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I like this poem. While rhyming in poetry is usually cliche, you manage to pull it off. You have a good grasp of rhythm and flow. The imagery is very fresh and somewhat unsettling which works in your favor since itgrabs the reader’s attention. You may want to have a few more concerete images and dwelve into what’s going on a bit more, however.

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June 13, 2008

by spincycletexas

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
29	75.0% (8 votes)	45.7%

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30	F	La Porte, TX	July 16

Thank you. I have gotten several reviews that have wanted me to make it longer and perhaps I will.

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Wow. This is cryptic and weird. I don’t really get it but it’s very visually arresting. and I like the chorus (or refrain, or whatever you call it):
-Distortion of reality.
Contortion of mentality.

Nice piece.
J. Cafesin

this flows very smoothly, but what is your message?  
thanks for sharing,
Mike

I liked this poem for what is was but really feel you could so much more with it, as a personal veiw I wouldn’t use “Distortion of reality.
Contortion of mentality.” for the end, to me it felt like you couldn’t end it so just repeated yourself.

Again this is good don’t get me wrong, it just feels like it is left wanting.

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May 28, 2008

by spincycletexas

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
29	75.0% (8 votes)	45.7%

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30	F	La Porte, TX	July 16

you have a good point and I had thought about making it longer. Perhaps I will. Thanks.

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Pretty effective use of slant rhyme where end sounds are close but not exact.  Meter of the poem is forced in places, the most obvious is in couplet 3 and the line “on my corpse you’ll dine”.  Imagery is clear in most couplets with the exception of 4, 7, 9.  Otherwise, pretty good as a series of couplets with one theme.  

I like this concise bit of flowing feel, and their impact you express in the midst of a conflict.  Many good images, and ideas, make it very presentable, and basically honest.