Poetry / EvAnEsCeNcE (Analysis)

Gracefully sitting on a bench at the park
   Listening to the music in the air
Breeze caressing her lovely hair
   Delicate perfume is carried through til’ dark.

She turns the page from her book
   Suddenly she sensed an awkward feelin’
Ignores the increasing sensation of panic
   She takes another quick look
Muscles tighten as she begins to get a lil’ frantic.

  Clouds are rollin’ in and it’s getting dark
Wind is gaspin’, reaching out and grabs her
  Quickly releasing her with a thunderous bark
Heart pounding heavily in her chest
  Approaching an unusual storm at it’s best.

Not sure if it’s the book she’s been reading
  Or the storm she’s been seduced by
Stands up and looks around and quickly stares at the ground
  Evangelistically screaming,
Feelin’ like she’s instantly bound

  Out of nowhere comes a hellova sight
Tears loutishly fall down her cheek
  Fears brought on this woman’s ability to fight
Total darkness, touched by his hand
  A glimpse into his alluring eyes
She couldn’t understand what was happening
  All she knew was he had No Right!

A voice in her head speaks ’ I’m here to take you away’
  She horrifiably pulls from his grip
He allows her to slip, ‘You might want to pray’
  She falls romantically to her knees
Loud rumbling laughter runs through her veins
  As he continues to pull harder on the reins

She quickly realizes she hasn’t any control
  Heart breaking in pieces
People aren’t s’pose to wear leashes
  Excitement, fear, and pain caused her blood to boil
Nails gripping into the soil
  As he has her by the hair
She can’t help but think that somehow this just isn’t fair

  Just as he was about to get his fill
The beast from within’ was released
  She had one thought and that was to kill
Out of nowhere became this woman with skill
  The challenge was on
She took a moment to notice he looked pleased

  Still frantic, still the angelic soul
Without any choice but to give in to his wants
  She became someone dark
A beauty that now haunts
  Those who thought of her as weak
For now she’s met her master
  No doubt, she couldn’t be any faster.

She gets in her stance while
  He is enveloped into a trance
‘Doesn’t have to be this way’ she hears in her head
Puts up her fists ready to play
  He quickly turns the other way
Draws in his wings with a thunderclap
  Everything falls into it’s place with a snap

Laying on the ground unbound,
  Perspiring fears of the unknown
Heart racing and tear marks on her face
  Looks around, clear skies
Immediately rubs her eyes,
  Things just couldn’t have been a dream
Seem like it was so surreal.

  Raises herself up from the ground,
Clothes torn, hair a mess,
  Notices from a distance a shadow
‘This is your EvAnEsCeNcE’ she heard

  A sense of power, strength, and wisdom
Flowed entirely through her body
  From this point forward she will never
Face anything with fear
  It must be real it’s been a whole year
Her shadow is a seductive shear!

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

Sort Reviews by  Newest |  Oldest |  Highest Quality |  Lowest Quality |  Newest Comments | 

 
nayberry avatar General Stranger

May 31, 2008

nayberry

personal info reviewer stats
nayberry reviewed Version 1 - Read 50% of the Item

I kept an open mind, and this poem actually puts you in the park with this woman and tells a vivid story. However, I am only able to see page one of the poem so I lack the ability to critique the entire poem. What I read so far is an excellent twist of words.

ae avatar General Stranger

May 27, 2008

ae Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
ae reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

First of all, wink-wink, you probably don’t want to set up reviewers by patronizing them.  There’s nothing here that needed advance warning, and the comment about the “most popular poetry” raises more questions than it answers.

That said, you’ve got a rippin’ piece of work here.  And the unconventional use of language notwithstanding (and I am a big fan of the unconventional usage), you still have to use a word that makes sense. For instance, “wind’s gaspin’” is great.  We don’t think of the wind gasping, because that’s a quick intake of air.  People use a thousand different ways to convey the blowing of the wind, but I’ve never once heard anyone refer to it as sucking, as with the gasp.  It’s brilliant, and I almost promise I will steal that sometime, it’s so great.  On the other hand, “tears falling loutishly” is just bizarre.  What are you doing to your poor protaganist?  She’s getting attacked by a supernatural being and you cast her as crying like some dumb oaf or ill-mannered beast.  Look up lout and loutish, and give her a break.
Evangelistically screaming?  In that setting?  What would be evangelistic about it?  You’ve done some inexplicable things with adjectives. Why would she fall romanitcally to her knees? And what about Horrifiably?  Not.
Now, with the action nouns/verbs… you rock.  Rumbling laughter in her veins.  So kewl.  Draws in wings with a thunderclap.  Awesome.

This is a more spirited review than I normally do, but your writing tells me you can take it without a lot of sugar-coating.  Your effort shows, and you’ve got some great creativity.  Don’t put random words in there, because they’ll distract from your work. Also, dude, the possessive “its” takes no apostrophe.  

Fun read. TNX!

pinestategal avatar General Stranger

May 25, 2008

pinestategal

personal info reviewer stats
pinestategal reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Very well done the rhyme is good as is the flow.  Easy to read and for once a poem that I think I “get”.  Well done

Aeryn avatar General Stranger

May 25, 2008

Aeryn

personal info reviewer stats
Aeryn reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Your subject material and by an extent your imagination, is good, yet i found that when i read it, it flowed quite slowly and each section really only connected to the other by the overall story. Also where is the actual climax , it seems to end with her realisation and nothing more.

Try to work on proof reading your work so you can be sure it flows, maybe its just an opinon but good poetry should flow effortlessly wheter through the use of simple rhyming or matching syllable counts per section.

Keep it up and who knows where it might lead.

A_mused avatar General Stranger

May 25, 2008

A_mused

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
A_mused reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

It isn’t the slang that annoys me in this piece. It’s the mix of slang with otherwise typically poetic verbage. It seems out of place and forced. I had the sensation of stumbling repeatedly as I tried to let the let the words form an image in my mind. It is evident that the writer isn’t writing the way he/she speaks. This is clearly metaphor though I really don’t understand what is truly being said. Maybe that’s just me. With that preface stated, I will say that the rhythm flows beautifully. Two strong images stood out for me. The statement that people do not belong on leashes carries a LOT of connotation. People should not be leashed, but most are and many seek it out. When she falls to her knees in “prayer” it elicits a powerful image as well as beautifully framing her submission. She begs. She makes him her god. I love it. I think this needs a lot of editing, but has a great deal of potential.

debberdoo4 avatar General Friend

May 24, 2008

debberdoo4 Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
debberdoo4 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

  I may not be the best person to review this because I was a victim of sexual abuse. An awkward admission in this forum, but life is what it is…and this is a very physical piece. Your writing skills are on point to bring me so deeply into the girl’s world, but I was uncomfortable there (possibly becuz of my own experience). So, considering where I stand, this is what I noticed:

“She falls romantically to her knees
Loud rumbling laughter runs through her veins
As he continues to pull harder on the reins”

  I struggle with the word “roamntically” because being overpowered physically and having “pull harder on the reins” is anything but romantic to me.

“She quickly realizes she hasn’t any control
  Heart breaking in pieces
People aren’t s’pose to wear leashes
  Excitement, fear, and pain caused her blood to boil
Nails gripping into the soil”

  Everything here rings true, except “excitement”. If her heart is breaking with “fear & pain” from a stranger’s violence chances are there is the presence of revoltion, humiliation, shame.

“Without any choice but to give in to his wants
She became someone dark
A beauty that now haunts
Those who thought of her as weak
For now she’s met her master”

  I got this. Once a person’s body is desecrated there is a shift in the way they will see EVERYTHING the rest of their lives. The violence does not end at the the body though. It cuts like a knife through the pysche, spirit and soul.

  If I missed the point of your poem, I apologize. Please disregard my review. But, if this is about the trauma of a woman being attacked, I stand by my review. You write well; but this piece hit close to home for me.

Showing 1 - 6 of 6

Creator
KristinRDavis avatar

KristinRDavis

Age: 32
Loc: Madill, OK
Gen: F
Last Login: June 22
Relevant Links
Item Stats

GENERAL

6 Reviews 9 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago

REVIEW QUEUE

Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Large_criteria Ratings & Rankings
Tags

There are no tags for this item.