Charlotte stood in the front yard, hands jammed in her pockets, with twilight falling around her.
A charcoal cat purred and licked one paw, letting her know he could wait all day. Listening was one of Max’s skills, and that was why Em had sent him.
“I’ve decided to accept.”
She held her breath, and waited for the sign that she’d been heard. Only a few seconds passed before the gentle explosion of light.
Charlotte had grown accustomed to the quick bursts, people appearing suddenly as if from the void.“You have made the right choice, Charlotte.” The voice was Em’s, and it was like a lullaby. Her furry attendant went to her side.
Charlotte sighed and nodded. She stared at her green flip flops, mostly covered by the summer grass. The whole scene was just a formality. A twitching feeling had told her this moment was coming.
As much as she wanted to fight it, the odd sensation in her gut told her it was useless. Em had not been warned about her own gift, either. That was the way it had been done for thousands of years, and that was the way it must be done now. Some details were still hidden from her view, like the swirling hues carried on the breeze. More questions would come. In time she would see more, but for now this was enough.
The simple exchange was enough ceremony to satisfy Em, and she stood silent. Charlotte was young, but she had shown her gift far earlier than most. There was no reason to postpone her charge. Em could feel Charlotte’s nervousness. She didn’t need Max to make that clear; the dreams told her how much fright she had. But Em could not reassure her. Not only was it against the code, but it would be untrue.
“Now what?” Charlotte asked.
“You have learned much since you discovered your gift,” Em said. It wasn’t a compliment. Em awarded few of those. “You still have much to learn before you can take your place.”
There was a quick, almost silent exchange between them as the cat looked on. Across the street, a child’s mother called him to dinner, and he turned away from his window. If he had stayed a second longer, he would have told her that he had seen Charlotte, Em, and Max vanish.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This succeeds at setting up a whole ‘world’ in just one scene. It drew me in.
The third sentence is a bit confusing. If you identify the cat as Max in the previous sentence, you wouldn’t have to introduce two names in one sentence. Or you could cut “and that was why…” and explain that later when Em is actually present.
In the next two sentences you have uncredited dialogue, and a vague “she”. In retrospect, it becomes apparent that she is Charlotte, but I think that could be smoother.
The green flip-flops really stood out. It was the only clue I had that this story was taking place somewhere near the present time, rather than in the generic medieval era typical of fantasy. You might add a few more touches like that.
“More questions would come. In time she would see more,” This seems pretty vague here, and I don’t like the repetition of ‘more’. More what?
I think that last sentence would be smoother is it were just ”...he would have seen Charlotte…” It seems clunky as is.
It’s certainly intriguing. I would turn the page and continue reading.
At first I wondered if Max or Em was the cat, so make that clear since I’m still not sure. Then Max was sent but the voice is Em’s, so what’s going on here?
‘Some details were still hidden from her view,’ – from whose view? Em’s or Charlotte’s?
Is Em seeing through Max’s eyes and not there? This is confusing.
‘Although still intentionally vague,’ – this is risky. It’s interesting. I want to know, but why be intentionally vague? That usually comes by itself. I wouldn’t try to do it if I were you. I mean – Who is the child?
For a prologue, it tells either too much or too little. I appreciate the adherence to the rules of grammar.
In the first sentence, tighten the end to “as twilight fell” it strengthens the line.
In the second paragraph, whose side did the furry attendant go to? It is these little points that make the reader stumble.
The third paragaraph is an ackward read. The sentences are cumbersome.Perhaps make shorter sentences out of the long ones. That might make it read smoother.
In the fourth paragraph there is some confusion with the pronouns ‘she’, deciding just who is speaking or being spoken of.
It is an interesting beginning, I will watch for more. good luck
Good start, but too soon to tell a lot. I would keep reading to see what happens next, so that’s good.
There was no reason to postpone her charge.”Charge?” If you’re talking about Charlotte being the charge, it would be to delay her charge. It equally well could be change. It looks like departure would fit, also. This needs to be rephrased.
the dreams told her how much fright she had. Poor structure. Perhaps,her fright filled even her dreams. But you haven’t made her sound frightened, so you either need to do so or take out the sentence.
In the last sentence, you have way too many commas. The “would have told her that” is unnecessary.
Um… and then what? This is interesting enough for me to ask what happens next but breif enough for me to get too pissed off about the brevity to care. I suggest Explaining a little more or at least posting the next part alongside this.
This is a very well written piece of writing. The only thing I’m unsure about it why this needs to be set off in a prologue: it just seems to be a very short first chapter. I’m nitpicking, though: your writing is clear, well developed, gives good details, and the dialogue flows naturally. Good job!
Overall, I did like it. There’s a sense of magic about the language, which is fitting for the story at hand (unless I’m mistaken, Charolette is an aprentice witch).
I did have some probelms with it, but with a little polish, it can really shine.
First up is character atribution. Sometimes it was hard for me to tell exactly who is thinking and saying what. I only figured Max was the cat abour 3/4 of the way through, for instance. The overuse of pronouns also hurts charcter recognition.
Secondly, I feel like some of the segues you make are a little unnecessary. The most jarring one was the one about the little boy at the end. I didn’t see the absolute need for it, and I feel that something like “and with that, Charolette, Em and Max vanished into thin air” works a lot better (unless the boy plays a role later on).
I also spotted some grammer problems, but those were minor, like a space missing after a period and things like that.
This short excerpt has a very professional quality and tone to it. The way you toss off casually unique descriptions, calling the cat charcoal instead of black, for example, gives your work a literary quality to help temper the otherwise dry language, and it strikes a good balance.
The dialog is stilted, but considering that this encounter borders on ritual, and may be a formal ritual of acceptance, it seems fitting.
This is an effective prologue.
I was going to suggest formatting in the very beginning, but further down I can see that you understand formatting fine. I assume that it was written that way for pacing, but somehow it seems a bit forced.
The rest of the peice moves very languidly without the break-offs, such as the opening line. Though this line was in one of the parts I feel could be better formatted, it was one of my favorite lines in this prologue:
‘Only a few seconds passed before the gentle explosion of light.’ Nice imagery.
This was my other favorite passage: ’ It wasn’t a compliment.’ It gave a real insight th Em’s character. Well done.
I am left curious and wanting more. You said that you are being intentionally elusive, so I won’t question the confusions that I have right now, I just look forward to finding further insallments!
Great job! Thanks for the read :)
This could work into a nice piece of fantasy fiction. You have a mentor, a magical familiar (Max the cat, I am assuming) and a reluctant mortal torn between her known comfortable world and the unknown that might be full of possibilities.
As this stands, the characters are kind of one dimensional. Who and what is Em? Why has Charlotte come to her attention? The characters need a bit of fleshing out to give depth and understanding to the story. The problem with this being the “middle” it feels kind of incomplete.
I’d like to read it from the beginning so I have a better understanding of what’s going on. I feel like I’m only getting half of what I need to really understand the story.
Showing 1 - 10 of 30
Next →
Ratings & Rankings
Review item
Add to faves
