Flash Fiction / Waiting for the Train
Daniel sat, waiting for his train.
Daniel liked sitting here. There was a lot of love in this place. A lot of emotion – love, hate, regret, longing. Love mostly, though. While he waited he watched the people around him, try to read them. He would try to learn a little about the people at the station through their actions. You could learn a lot that way, and Daniel was good at watching and learning.
Seated next to him was an elderly woman. He’d seen her before at the station. She comes once every couple of days, gets off the train coming from Uptown and waits for the train to the Market. Several hours later he’d see her making the trip back, bags of fruit and vegetables in her little trolley. Sometimes she’d get a loaf of bread. In his head, Daniel would name them. He could sort out his thoughts easier if they had names. The old lady was Mrs. Pierce. There was a Mr. Pierce once, but he passed on several months ago. When he was alive they would make the trips to the market together. Daniel remembered Mrs. Pierce would come back from the market with a flower in her hair each time, a red rose. That was love, right there. Love that went up against time, and won. Mrs. Pierce still came back with a flower. But now she held it in her hands. Tightly, so it will not blow away in the wind. It was a black iris now.
The station gushed and shook, a train was pulling in. People bustled onto the train, simultaneously people were trying to get out, there was noise and commotion. Daniel watched. Jonathan stepped off the train. Jonathan was a big shot, a lawyer, an agent or something like that. He was married, he had a ring, but Daniel never saw Jonathan’s wife. He did see his girlfriend, though. Several of them. Jonathan had a lot of love to spread. Today he was with Tiffany. Or was it Angela? Daniel got all of Jonathan’s girlfriends confused, they looked similar – young, full of life. The only one of Jonathan’s “girlfriends” Daniel immediately recognized was Tobias. Even though Tobias dressed and looked the same as Jonathan’s other girlfriends, Jonathan was different around Tobias – gentler, more delicate. Jonathan grabbed Tiffany’s ass as they walked out of the station. Or was it Angela?
Daniel sat, watching, waiting for his train. He watched Chris, the snack vendor, as his girlfriend paid him a surprise visit. He watched old Albert sit in his corner, thanking the passerby’s for their change. He’d pet his cat all day long, holding it close. He watched the new janitor, Daniel decided on Frank, unwrap a lovingly made sandwich, and relish each bite.
One day, he hoped, someone would watch Daniel. Someone would watch him and learn about him and his love.
But for now Daniel sat, waiting, for his train.
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First and foremost, there is a problem with the point of view you’re going for here. Is it past or present tense? Because you seem to use both off and on throughout the story, causing several bumps which threw me out of the story several times.
Look at the last line for example:
“But for now Daniel sat, waiting, for his train.”
This suggests an omniscient narrator but this sentence takes place in the present while most of the story is a recollections of what he HAS seen as opposed to what is IS seeing. With an omniscient narrator, the story can tell of the thought of the characters and so on, but there are some problems to be worked out in terms oc POV.
Here are some other things to look at:
Urbis Review – Waiting for the Train
Second sentence – “…try to read them.”
Should be, “…tried to read them.”
Second paragraph – “… gets off the train coming from Uptown…”
Should be, “… gets off the train coming from uptown…”
(No capitalization)
Third paragrah – “People bustled onto the train, simultaneously people were trying to get out, there was noise and commotion.”
This needs to be a shorter sentence. Something to the effect of:
“People entered and exited the train in a hurry with much noise and commotion.”
My suggestion would be to go through the story with a new trained eye and look for these POV flops.
Great character observations were made by Daniel and his classifications for these characters and their traits were very interesting.
Lastly, Tobias is a man’s name, and thusly didn’t fit as the name for one of Jonathan’s “girlfriends”.
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You’ve got a lovely idea and developed it well. I admit, at first, I thought it would be a postcard fiction piece ending with “It was a black iris now.” because Daniel so quickly focused upon Mrs. Pierce. Then I noticed the paragraph break and the two lines that carried over to the next page. (Ah, Web site formatting.) As you moved to the next character, I was better able to see where it was going. So the reader needn’t wait, perhaps in the first paragraph, he could say something about how this time of day held some of his favorite people, so we know to expect more than one story. Also, I’d suggest tightening the writing by eliminating most of the “being” verbs and replacing them with action verbs. You could also tighten sentences like “People bustled onto the train, simultaneously people were trying to get out, there was noise and commotion.” by replacing it with something like “People bustled on and off the train, causing noise and commotion.” I look forward to reading more of your work.
Exellent flash fiction. This is a very touching and somewhat introspective piece, something that made me as a reader feel both amused and impressed by Daniel’s quiet observations and somewhat sad that it seems to come from own sense of loneliness. Even when we talks about Jonathan’s many girlfriends he is never judgemental, perhaps more or less envious of Jonathan’s connection with them. I think that’s what I like most about Daniel; he doesn’t judge, he just observes and enjoys the world he makes up for himself, sitting alone at the train station.
Had I written this piece I would have had a hard time fighting back the urge to have Daniel jump in front of the train at the end, sort of a shock exclamation point to highlight how his imaginings were the result of a depressed and lonely man, but ultimately I’m glad you didn’t go that route. This works better, and it works very well. Awesome job sir.
I really liked this piece overall, and enjoyed the snapshots of all the characters in a such a short space. Some I was left wondering about, like why Tobias is treated bettter. There were a few tense issues, like “try to read them,” might sound better as “trying. . . ,” and “She comes. . .” as “she came,” and “so it will not blow away. . .” as “so it wouldn’t blow away. . . .” I also really liked the circular feeling of this story; he’s watching people and wants to be watched. Good job!
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