peach rose blossoms unfold sweet fully
as do I for you in L.O.V.E.
within each petal symbolizes me
you can feel the warmth
through these eyes of mine
these hands
shall hold you
through eternity’s time
upon us God has
breathed a long lasting relationship
new beginnings reached
with each touch of our lips
history made
with each bounce of our hips
I have never seen another
really
which completes my sentences
mentally
almost as if we are
a combined
entity
ghost whisperers if you will
deal or no deal
atop the ladder
of lover’s build
remind me again
how do you feel
I need you
I want you
I deserve you
and damn sure
gonna keep you
for I’m genuinely
in love
peaceful as a hidden cove
deep as I mushy
inside all gushy
splatter myself all over for you
queen one day you will be
tattooed with that matrimonial ring
we discussed
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Have you tried this with out rhyming? My personal opinion is that its rather mediocre. “I want you, I need you….” WELL DUH. You’ve managed to make strong intense feelings very dull. You’re portraying that you’re inlove, but it seems rather unspecial through this piece.
Not bad. In some places I feel like you’re reaching, you know, trying to hard to find something to fit properly. “Peaceful as a hidden cove,” for example, seemed out of place.
I liked the love theme in general, except when you get into “I need you, I want you” – that starts to get more possessive than in-love-ly.
What I liked the most was the lines that are reminiscent of the Cure. I’m a fairly big Cure fan, even though I only have the greatest hits, and the “deep as I mushy/inside all gushy” especially hit me as Cure-esque. Just be careful that you don’t overuse lines like that, otherwise it gets messy and kind of kitsch. You seem to have a pretty good rein on that.
So overall I liked it, it was fairly original – keep going. Expand.
I liked this piece. I can relate and feel for the subjects. I do feel that the second stanza and the last stanza flow more smoothly. At times some of the rhymes feel forced. You do get the emotion across well and entertain. Perhaps some rewriting, editing, rethinking rhymes to get more original thoughts. Maybe you may want to try rhyme in some of the piece and just free flow prose in another area. Play around with the style and delivery. I did like this piece though and hope you continue writing.
it has the best ingredients; rhythm, passion, rhyme, and is constantly hooking this reader back. I felt a voice while reading it, someone familiar. I saw them on stage, felt the audience, and we were all there, each of us, tuned in to keep your love inspired. Great. Ending finalizes poem well.
parts of this I really liked -new beginnings reached with each touch of our lips history made with each bounce of our hips- the imagery is easy to see and it reads easy, while others are more vague I guess would be the right word
deep as I mushy
inside all gushy
splatter myself all over for you
I really didn’t get this part
However I loved one line peaceful as a hidden cove -
Somebody was feeling it! you can feel the love and emotion being poured out here! you can visualize it!
It is a very sentimental piece, and the flow of your words paint pretty affections and the fact that I could never write in rhyme, well I give you kudos for that. Your sense of imagery is appealing, but as for being published in an anthology it would depend upon the publisher. Most likely it is publishable and it is a pleasing enough piece. All in all I liked it.
Scaramouche… in Twilight’s Shadow… a Dream…
Firstly must admit i’m not into love-poetry.
And this tells me nothing new.
There’s a confusing mix of style i think. The first verse is quite old-fashioned, sentimental and solemn, which doesn’t correspond with the rest.
“these hands
shall hold you
through eternity’s time
upon us God has
breathed a long lasting relationship”
versus
” deserve you
and damn sure
gonna keep you”
and
“deep as I mushy
inside all gushy
splatter myself all over for you”
Love B
Poetry is not limited to one specific format. This piece takes an interesting stream of thought flow with what appear to by symbolic words (for example “L.O.V.E.” is used both as a word and an acronym.)
I enjoyed how the character in the poem exhibits both uncertaintly and determination.
The absence of punctuation gives this poem an interesting flow. I like this unique approach.
Awesome poem. I sounds a bit like a pledge to love one’s partner forever. It sounds so honest and yearning; made me all emotional inside. :) Good work with this one. Iloved the part; ”...and damn sure gonna keep you…”
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