“plosive” can mean explosive, but it also means a plosive speech sound – like in “rattle”.
thank you for the comments!
Poetry / For Those Born Of War (Analysis)
Comrades caught in barbed beliefs
Digging holes and planting foes,
We gardeners of kin’s despair
Cull red crops for sweethearts’ hair.
“Like twins born from war”, we said,
In no-mans land, conceived.
“Like brothers born for war!” we cried,
Immaculate, deceived.
Illusions flounder as battle-shied
Boys tell mothers “We’ll be home soon”
And youths skip round plosive rattle,
Fleeing open playground tombs.
Like brothers playing side by side,
This game is lost by those alive.
Returning home, grieved victor tells
No boastful tales of war and pride.
Costume torn, with ocean-eyes,
Solitary twin, stares to the sky.
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DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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thearcher reviewed Version 1 -
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LisMR reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the idea behind this poem. I do think you can work on your organization a little bit so the poem flows. Is the speaker talking about a fellow soldier who died? If so I’d like to hear this in the beginning that way your end will have more impact. Good work!
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streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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“plosive rattle” – explosive?
warning – i’m no poet, but i really like this. you’ve created a mood with your words – painted a landscape that feels real
the second last stanza is wonderful – the game is lost by those alive – great line
your imagery is good – this poem feels real to me
starblue reviewed Version 1 -
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This takes an old theme and infuses a new slant. However the rhyme scheme is choppy. The first V is A B C C, second V is d e d e, third V is not rhymed, fourth is yet another. This might work better if unrhymed, in a free verse style. Verse 2, line 2 is an example of inverted syntax, always a contributor to a choppy read. The imagery: I liked “digging holes and planting foes”, and “Cull red crops for sweethearts hair”
The first line; somehow to me it should read:
..........by barbed beliefs” maybe personal. Nice alleration here. There is a stark beauty to this poem.
LostXForgotten reviewed Version 1 -
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