Poetry / Come into the light… (Analysis)

A sensational piece.  There was no questioning what you were sharing about.  It seemed simple, but intimate.  The lines,

‘together we can coexist
together we can be great’

showed the determination and resilience of the angel inside.  So deep and complex…

Thank you.

I really feel like I heard your voice , and was able to visualize your words. I enjoy reading the works of others. I will admit that I am not so great at critiquing others. I enjoyed reading your words keep up the good work, and thank you most of all for sharing them with us.

Good rhythm and descriptors. It’s enjoyable – a quick read.
I’d reflect more on the re-editing and stanza placement.  
It feels just a bit forced, as in:  

This place it is dark, but it is home
together we can coexist
together we can be great

And the stanzas seem to change a bit more than they should with each ensuing one.  

I believe this is good writing and focus.  You have the talent, perhaps with a bit more reflecting on revision and concise eloquence.

Good job.

It has a nice flow and a good story to tell. It was haunting yet hopeful.

I will leave the reviewing of stuffy things like grammar and punctuation to that of lofty beings.

I will review the content.

Nothing more than amazing.  From what I take from it, at times, I feel this way about mostly faith in christianity, for I feel the pain that theyre going through.

I love this.

Thank you so much for writing this

Your use of the person’s frightened inner self who is afraid to come out into the light was very well put together. Your poem was fluid and to the point.

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June 09, 2008

by brehm48

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	75.0% (8 votes)	38.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	F	Auburn, WA	September 07

Thank you, I really love this piece because it was such a release for my feelings. I have been working with a serious case of writers block the past few days.

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I went ahead and re-wrote some of the lines in your peom to see if they make more sense the way I wrote them. I loved your use of imagery, of it seeming like there are two people, yet there is only one. Good job and I look forward to seeing some more of your jotted down thoughts posted in here.

Maybe your lines can read like this:

OG: Deep within me where no one can see,
I invite her to live.
Secretly she lives like a hermit who wants no invitations.

I invite her to live
Deep within me where no one can see
But she secretly lives like a hermit in me
No permission needed to enter me

“Cause it seems like she already lives in you, yet you weren’t aware of it and were asking her to, by giving her permission to come in.”

OG: Like a child that has been frightened by a lightning storm, life is too large for her.
Every bolt that strikes her hits so hard she must hide.
Deep down where no one can find her, for there it is safe no light can enter.
Safe warm and alone she whispers to me…
I am Here

Like a child frightened by lightning
Life seems too large for her
With every lightning strike she must hide
Deep down where no one can find her
Where it is safe and no light can enter
Safe and warm she whispers to me
I am Here

OG: I hear her cries,
I feel her pain but I don’t know how to reach her, to bring her out of hiding.
You are not alone, I whisper quietly.
This place it is dark, but it is home
together we can coexist
together we can be great

I hear her crying and feel her pain
But I don’t know how to reach her
To bring her out of her hiding
You are not alone, I whisper quietly
This place may be dark but it is home
Together here we can coexist
Together here we can be one

OG: I know she is still there,
for during those quite times when the earth seems to stop,
my inner self can peek it’s head out just enough to whisper
I am Here

I know she is still here
For when the Earth stands still
During those very quiet times
She peeks out just enough to whisper
I am still Here

OG: I ask her to listen, to hear
Please be brave and come into the light

I ask her to listen, to hear my plea
Please be brave and come into the light with me

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June 06, 2008

by brehm48

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	75.0% (8 votes)	38.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	F	Auburn, WA	September 07

Thanks for the time you spent reviewing my piece. I do like some of your suggestions but some of them alter the flow and connection I have created with the reader. I don’t care if it rhymes I’m more concerned with the message.

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Wow, this is very valid type of poem, you are telling this child that she is not alone.  In trying to coax her out of hiding you show a definate concern.  Good descriptions, great coaxing my little ones would come out of hiding if they knew you.  Very persuasive, thank you for letting me read this.  

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May 28, 2008

by brehm48

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	75.0% (8 votes)	38.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	F	Auburn, WA	September 07

Thanks for the review. I look forward to reading some of your work.

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