Thank you so much for taking the time to review this chapter. Thank you for advising me to make clear distinctions between a character’s inner thoughts and my narration.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Underland: The Chosen One (Analysis)
Two Trolong soldiers roughly dragged the prisoner into the main entrance of the Swica Territorial Detention Center with a third soldier walking behind them pointing a pistol at the prisoner’s head and hold a first aid kit. The soldiers dragged the cursing prisoner with such speed that it seemed to take just seconds to descend a flight of stairs and down a long corridor. The prisoner was just getting his bearings when he was shoved into a featureless detention cell with a bed bolted and cemented to the floor and an exposed toilet in the corner. The third soldier dropped the hard plastic first aide kit to the floor and before it could bounce up he kicked it into the cell as his partner quickly locked the cell door. The trio mutely watched the prisoner bounce off the detention center cell’s back wall and fall down.
The prisoner, grimacing from the beating he took for resisting arrest quickly stood up, ignoring the shooting pains racing throughout his body. He glared at the two Trolongs soldiers then at the third one who had wore the divided double V patch on his left sleeve signifying him as a corporal. The trio’s military uniforms were gray-green. Perhaps that is why we did not see them. The prisoner stared daggers at the corporal, who was a Ki-Wucki and one of his homeland’s most hated enemies. The prisoner stepped to the side in order to read the insignia patch one of the soldier’s sleeves that showed the acronym 1stTRB/FLDF. His lips curled back with disgust while speaking aloud. “Good gods! First Trolong Ranger Battalion from the Federated League Defense Force.”
The Trolong soldiers displayed amazing self discipline by silently enduring the angry, profanity-laden threats being hurled at them by their prisoner. The Ki-Wucki looked bored.
“Traitors to the homeland! You foul cretins are conspiring with the enemy and being lead by them. You are my soldiers who follow my orders not the invaders. My revenge on you three shall be two fold!” He lunged towards the cell door and reached between the bars, hoping to grab one of them but they were just out of arms reach.
The Trolong soldier on the left of the cell door quickly pulled out a stun baton from his holster and was about to hit the prisoner in the arm. “Hold!”
The voice echo faded away to be replaced by approaching footfalls.
The soldier with the stun baton returned it to his holster and like his partners, stood at attention but looked towards the approaching person and nodded deferentially towards the newcomer and made way for him.
Or for her.
The prisoner tried to stand in a regal fashion and give off an air of confidence but his facial bruises and torn clothing negated his efforts. When the person appeared at the cell door his heart nearly lurched to a stop but his face took on a mixture of disgust and surprise. He took three steps backwards. “You!”
The female Trolong nodded her thanks to the soldiers and motioned for them to leave. The trio quickly left the cell block. The female was the provincial governor for Trolong’s Western Territory with Swica as the provincial capital. She stood at the cell door while maintaining a poker face regarded the deposed King of Trolong and her former husband. She spoke clearly and concisely.
“Yes Membir it is I. I am here to formally inform you of your conviction for crimes against the citizens of Underland.”
Membir shook his head and regarded his ex-wife for a moment. The female had the same characteristics of a Trolong, flat head with a sloped back forehead with overhanging brow ridges but she as a female Caracet was a foot shorter then him and not as thick boned as a male Trolong. Despite the height differential and thinner bone density she was still a force to be reckoned with during a fight. Her body was still toned despite wearing some form of non-Trolong uniform which only accentuated her femininity. Membir’s eyes traveled to her long auburn hair which had been coiled up in a tight bun only a foreigner would wear. Though he saw the first streaks of gray in her hair and worry lines around the eyes and despite his haggard condition he ached to reacquaint himself with her body.
His voice was lovingly soft as his eyes undressed her. “Caracet, is this how you treat me after twenty three years of marriage?” He walked towards the triple reinforced cell door, hoping she would suddenly rip open the cell door and throw herself into his arms. “Can we not come to some form of mutually beneficial agreement? How beautiful you still are.”
She was quiet was for a moment, unbelieving of the crap he was laying on her. “You are in nay position to make offers.” Caracet hadn’t seen him in six years and took her time in looking him over.
Though he was bruised all over from the beating he took from the guards, Membir looked haggard, more sinewy in strength compared to his bulging muscles and well defined physique from six years ago. His gaunt face showed that age and the roughness of his life on the run had caught up to him.
When was the last time he had a decent meal? She repressed a shudder at knowing of his propensity for cannibalism. She knew him well enough from looking into his charcoal colored eyes underneath his overhanging brow ridges to see the lust in them replaced by uncertainty.
“My wife, you know my actions were for the benefit of our homeland.” His voice had lost a touch of its warmth.
The coldness in her voice sent a chill through him. “I am nay longer your wife for I have divorced you.” Caracet saw him stiffen and looked at her menacingly but she stood her ground, unimpressed by the sight of the seven foot fall, one inch husband.
“And your new homeland will be a prison cell or maybe at the end of a noose.”
Membir bellowed long and loud. His anger flared fiery hot at finally hearing after years of second and third information that his wife divorced him and sided with the invaders. My death shall be avenged by my followers.
He regained control of him and beseechingly held out his hands, speaking to her like a parent would to a thought challenged child. He pointed at her. “Caracet, we are freedom fighters not renegades and there is a change coming.” He pointed up towards the cell’s only window that was twelve feet up, facing the Ergord Mountains. “I would rather you embrace it then be run over by it.”
The Provincial Governor didn’t believe his faked concern over her well being. She spoke with exasperation heavy in her voice. “Your ‘freedom fighters’ declined the offer of amnesty and an opportunity to have a voice in the new government…”
Membir crossed his arms over his chest and sneered at Caracet, calling her a fool for believing in the invader’s false promises. “Servitude is what was offered.”
Her response was to just shake her head in dismay and mimic the way he had spoken to her. “A change has already occurred and you are being an impediment.” She noticed his body was quivering with rage at being mocked.
“Why were your renegades raiding the pharmaceutical warehouse? Were you searching for Tinat gas?” Caracet remembered Membir could not keep secrets and made poor decisions whenever he flew into a rage which was one of the reasons why his army suffered such high loses during the Blight War. This is something even a well trained integrator could not accomplish.
The female spoke a half truth. “Your raid failed and your comrades have been slain.”
Membir cursed at her and stamped his foot down in a childlike manner. “I am not a renegade!” The deposed king let go of his anger. He bellowed and glared at her. “Damned gas was intended to be used on the priests in Smynatar and in Port Krucadon to steal valuables and money.” Membir grunted loudly in frustration at knowing his mission failed and he was the only one alive.
Caracet kept it to herself that eleven renegades from his band were found dead while the three survivors had run off without bothering to save their leader. See how it feels to be abandoned. She refocused her mind on what he told her. Tinat gas is used during surgeries in small quantities to immobilize the body’s muscles. When the gas is released in is raw form death will occur after ten minutes? She thought it was disgusting to use the gas on innocent priests. She blinked her eyes to return her attention back to him. She began cursing so vilely at him for his stupidity in getting caught that even Membir was taken aback.
“Membir, you loathsome cur when was your idiotic plan supposed to occur? Thursday?”
The deposed king’s hair seemed to bristle from being insulted he was so angry.
“Friday you witch!”
This is too simple. I hope the cell’s audio and video recorders hidden in the cell’s walls are getting all this. “Divulge to me on the location of the rebel base you fiend.”
Membir knew of the voluminous evidence against him of being a maniacal mass murdering cannibal but his feelings were hurt at being called a fiend. In his mind someone was fiend by being inarticulate and uncivilized. I was a king and a leader of armies!
“I am not a fiend and as for the whereabouts of the rebel base.” He quickly glanced out the cell window facing the Ergord Mountains out of habit whenever he was withholding information. He leveled his dark eyes at her, smiling roguishly. ”Our bases are in the mountains and in a prison.” He paused for a moment then spat. “Damn those invaders!”
Is that his spasmodic twitch? Caracet became irritated at him for looking at the cell window and speaking cryptically.
Membir mistook her silence for disapproval of his past actions. Those damned invaders took her away from me! He thought of another way to win her heart back. “Dearest, you should not have to work for those invaders when you should be queen nor give foreigners rank in our military. Remember how comfortable life was when you had servants waiting on you hand and foot?
Foolish prig! Do you not understand Underland has unified! Caracet wasn’t fooled by his sudden concern for her choice of vocation. She shook her head while truthfully speaking from her heart. “I care not for that way of life nay longer for that time has come and gone and those memories of being Trolong’s Queen have been poisoned by your actions.” She had worked hard to prove to others that she was reliable and competent for this position. With the right mixture of determination, tenacity and having the right people working for her Caracet had brought the once lawless Southern Territory under the rule of law.
“I enjoy the work that is involved as Provincial Governor.”
How misguided she is! Membir was more disappointed in her then being impressed for having the fortitude to turn her life around. Frustrated, he tried a different tact and he softened his voice once again. “How is Eula?” He dramatically paused for a moment. “She is thirteen now. Correct?”
Idiotic bastard! “Eula is seventeen. She is in good health and desires to study law at the University of Prenkathom. Other then those pieces of information she is of nay concern to you since you have been absent from our life for six years.” The ex wife lied to him. Eula wanted to become a doctor to show those outside of Trolong that her kind could do more then take life. Caracet perversely enjoyed jabbing the proverbial emotional knife into her former husband’s black heart.
Membir seemed to slump at hearing about what his daughter wanted to become. He hated everything that had to do with the law and now his daughter was dreaming of entering that damnable field by studying it in a foreign land.
It took being his ex wife to know the statement hurt him but too much had happened for her to care about his feelings. She took a breath, fighting to maintain her stoicism. Caracet asked him again to reveal the location of the rebel base.
It took a supreme force of will from Membir not to glance out the cell window. “In a prison that you will never find my love.” His hands curled into fists and his anger flared up again. “You were spawned by a gooliak! You are a traitor to the homeland and to our dream of dominating Underland.”
Her mask of stoicism cracked for a moment to reveal pent up rage and hurt feelings.
“If I was spawned from a gooliak then you are a coward for abandoning us and fleeing with your precious valuables and bootlickers.” She stepped towards the cell door with her voice becoming strident. “I would rather be a rampaging beast like a gooliak then fodder for Charek! He used our people to further his interests and he held nay intention of power sharing with you!”
Membir raised a fist in the air out of anger but stepped backwards from her verbal onslaught. “Charek is alive and I have heard his voice several times.”
“Voices can be faked Membir. Holograms can be as well? Ever see him in person?”
It hadn’t occurred to him Caracet was manipulating him into divulging information. “We had a deal!” A seed of doubt sprung up in his mind. Why wasn’t I ever allowed to see him? He saw the first aide kit on the floor and wordlessly reached for it and picked it up. His head ached from the beating it took when he resisted arrest. He walked over to the cell’s bed that was bolted and cemented into the floor to prevent him from using it as a weapon. He opened the lid and took out a white packet, slapped it and pressed the rapidly cooling packet against his aching forehead. He spoke softly while looking down at the floor. “You are wrong about him.” He refused to admit the truth to himself because Charek wouldn’t renege on a promise. He remembered his ex-wife telling and from his advisors several times that Charek wasn’t to be trusted. The deposed Trolong king angrily shook his head in denial and accused Caracet of being influenced by the invaders “We have a deal for me to be restored as Trolong’s rightful ruler!” His voice was full of cocksureness.
Caracet ignored the crazy comment about Charek restoring him to power because she and nearly all of Underland had seen the video evidence of the tyrant’s death. The female remembered his comment about Trolong’s enemies occupying their homeland. “Those invaders!” She pointed towards the back of his cell in the general direction of northeast where Drannelkon was. “Those construction engineers from the Federated League have been helping us for six years to rebuild our shattered homeland. Rebuild our lives. Remember those maglev guideways you and your renegades have been trying to destroy.”
The former king of Trolong paused long enough to remember the thousand of miles of guideways built for the magnetically levitated trains that were able to transport twice the number passengers and cargo to every city in Trolong and throughout the Kyanusha Continent within three to eight hours instead of days from being off loaded at the continent’s main international air/land port in Alkor Toth.
He refused to recognize the benefit of Underland’s homelands forming the Federated League to share one currency, marketing system and military. I would sooner remove my kidneys then take orders from a foreigner, especially from a Coset-zi-Vutan! He failed to recognize the trains were a boon to bring progress and prosperity not just to Trolong but to the other three homelands on the continent in the way of tourism and jobs because he wasn’t involved in the development of the idea and construction. “Caracet a change is coming.” He tossed the white packet on the bed and rotated his neck to get rid of the stiffness. Membir slowly stood up and arrogantly looked at her, making a show of looking for something to demean her. “It is amazing that I do not see puppeteer strings from Drannelkon controlling your mouth.”
Caracet ignored his comment for being empty bluster. She recognized his attempt to demean her and minimize her accomplishments because she had seen him doing the same thing to others during their eighteen year reign. “I am in full control of my mind.” She leaned against the corridor’s back wall and folded her arms across her chest.
“Does it bother you that your daughter and I were homeless? Our property and possessions whether stolen or not were taken away to be returned to their owners and to pay for war reparations. The Federated League sheltered us in one of their refugee centers.” Caracet paused for a moment, remembering how frightened she and Eula were of being lynched, raped or the real possibility of being found guilty by association and thrown into prison days after the war ended. The two women went from having a castle full of guards protecting them to relying on the generosity and protection of foreigners. Seize the day and live your best.
It was a little over three months while at the refugee center when a Yi-Kemi Dahmud had shared a meal with them and spoke those inspiring words to them. He had been there to medically treat a Trolong male who had tried to commit suicide. The mother and daughter clung to those healing words in order to get through each day and ward off tempting thoughts of self destruction.
Those words strengthened their relationship, motivated them to end their self pity and move on with their lives without Membir in it. The women weren’t the religious type but they believed a Higher Power had planned to drop those challenges in their collective lap to redirect them to fulfill richer, rewarding lives.
I and Eula accomplished much without his help. Should I thank him? The woman shook her head at the thought as she continued speaking.
“The refugee shelter was our home for three years until I was offered this job by Darlak, Trolong’s chief administrator.” The female pushed away from the wall with fury growing in voice and her charcoal colored eyes. She pressed her hand against her chest. “If my thoughts are being influenced by the Federated League and if I speak differently then when I did before the war I believe I am the all better for it now because it is far and above much better then being in your position.”
The male remembered Darlak had been the Finance Minister during his reign and had always considered him to be a fop. Membir laughed out loud. “Darlak lacks a spine and he is a puppet just like you are.” Membir became quiet when his derisive words had no affect on his former wife. She has changed. He knew that was true just by the way she carried herself. He stopped himself from looking around his cell because in his mind that would be admitting to defeat.
Her story unlocked his suppressed guilt for abandoning his family and his self loathing for his horrible deeds but his denial and arrogance were stronger and smothered them once again.
He waved away the comment and callously minimized what his wife and daughter had been through. “I have been through tough times too.” He paused at seeing outrage on her face which made him quickly change his train of thought. “If we would have continued, our marriage it would have been one of might and glory. Remember our dream….”
The female folded her arms across her chest, looking at him with repugnance and scornfully spoke to him. “Our marriage will be remembered for disaster and bloodshed” She paused for a moment. “Your dream of domination ended when the Savior slew Charek.” Caracet had come to terms with her involvement of her ex husband’s dreams of domination of Underland but her complicity ended with Membir’s planning and increasing personal involvement in mass murders that bordered on ethnic cleansing of entire regions and cannibalism. Like many other Trolongs, Caracet felt revulsion and regret of being a Trolong after seeing, whether from video or by first hand the horrific lengths Membir’s fanatic attempts to prove to Charek that Trolong was a valuable ally.
We Trolongs have much to atone fore.
The former queen regained control of herself, though feeling a little glad she let off some steam. Her voice was controlled when she spoke next. “I will never take you back. Your mad dream of domination brought Trolong to near ruin! Instead of being pariahs we Trolongs can be contributing members to Underland, to the Federated League.”
“Contribution? Join a club instead of being the masters of Underland?”
Caracet vigorously nodded her head. “Yes, as in being a part of something larger then yourself as opposed to being apart.” She rubbed her chin a staged manner. “Have you considered you were set up by your comrades since your raid was so botched?” She saw for a quick moment of panic in his eyes. Caracet became serious and watched him grimacing as he leaned against the cell’s side wall.
“Your trial will be held at the Federated League High Court and I will be testifying against you.” She held up a finger to indicate she had one more thing to say as her other hand reached into her pants pocket and pulled out an expensive gold ring that sparkled. “And one more thing.” She smiled wickedly at him as she slid the gold ring onto her fourth finger on her left hand. “I and Darlak are to be married in two month’s time. After the ceremony is over Darlak will adopt Eula.”
With that last comment Caracet abruptly left the cell block and slammed shut the main door made out of metasteel sending a booming echo down the corridor.
Her last words stunned him and seemed to suck the strength right out of him. She was to be forever mine. He sat in silence with his mouth agape and slouched on his bed while feeling an aching void in his heart that couldn’t be rivaled by the combination of his physical aches, pains and the understanding there was a good chance of being put to death. I have been stripped of my daughter and of my citizenship. He let out a long sigh. I was not abandoned by my comrades. He looked out through the cell block window to see three dark silhouettes of mountain peaks in the night sky and spoke in a soft plaintive voice. “Please, let the change come.”
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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This 99 word review has not been unlocked.
Plain_Jane reviewed Version 2 -
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1st line “with a third soldier walking behind them pointing a pistol at the prisoner’s head and hold a first aid kit.” I think you meant to say holding a first aid kit.
The first paragraph itself is interesting but doesn’t seem to flow well. The wording is off. I think some of the sentences should be shortened. I mean technically they are not run on sentences but are a bit difficult to read as written.
”The soldier with the stun baton returned it to his holster and like his partners, stood at attention but looked towards the approaching person and nodded deferentially towards the newcomer and made way for him.
Or for her.” Why do you just not say “made way for her” ? Also doen’t flow well.
Caracet saw him stiffen and looked at her menacingly but she stood her ground, unimpressed by the sight of the seven foot fall, one inch husband. Just a typo in this sentence, seven foot tall.
In his mind someone was(a) fiend or (fiendish) by being inarticulate and uncivilized. I was a king and a leader of armies!
I found it extremely hard to follow. It seemed as if thoughts were all over the place. The dialog was also hard to follow which was internal and actually spoken. I was starting to comment on each thing I found to make sure it was being very SPECIFIC and CONCISE.. But that would have cost you alot of credits so, I will end by saying … I think the story line is very interesting but it does not flow very well, very hard to read. Run it through a spell and grammer check also before you submit.
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Kimbers reviewed Version 2 -
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An interesting piece of Sci-fi.
You’ve set up a solid world for your characters to reside in. The description of the setting is top notch. That sense of confinement for the n ow deposed king is clear, and tangible.
The twist concerning his ex wife is an intriguing one. Initially sounding like betrayal on her part but later becoming clear that he has in a sense bought this fate upon himself.
There is evidence of back story, which I am assuming stems from the previous piece, and the brief references to that are well placed and just enough to keep the story moving forward.
One thing that confused me slightly with this piece was the conversation and thought of the characters. I found myself re-reading certain sentences to make sure I was clear on who was saying what. Incidently the thoughts in the text were confusing. Without isolating them with italics or brackets it was a little hard to follow and make sense of them.
The chapter is a decent length, not too long to bore the reader, (I can’t stand long chapters), and not too short to make you think there’s any information missing.
This promises to be as interesting piece. Keep it up.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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propensity
What?
I liked it, but it was hard to get into. Try getting a good hook at the beginning.
You have 51 was’s in this. Try to get rid of as many as you can.
Your flow was good though.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
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The length is fine. But, at parts it didn’t flowed very well. The name reason is there were several point of view shifts. The jumping from head to head was jarring and made hard to stay in the story.
It was hard to tell whose point of view the beginning was in. It seemed like it was Membir’s been then all the references to “the prisoner” seemed off. Membir does not seem like someone who would refer to himself as a prisoner.
Some of the dialogue was also stiff particularly Caracet’s.
I think that if you cleared up the point of view issues this would flow very well. You start out in Membir’s pov for the first part, then put in a line space to alert the reader and switch to Caracet’s
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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Intriguing, holds interest well, and follows through on the same level. The crown, this is the only thing that doesn’t have a definite meaning to it. I mean what is it for, this is kinda left out. I liked it very well. Maybe a little different on the fight scene, the whole impervious to projectiles is too much like superman, but the watch was a nice touch.
sunriseno2 reviewed Version 1 -
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This flows wonderfully I’d like to see the whole thing!! Good luck
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe I’m a little critical because I haven’t read the first chapter so I don’t know what’s going on. What I’m seeing now is a story that is sort of mixed up and it’s hard to tell just exactly what is going on. Sword and sorcery/fantasy/sci-fi is kind of a hard genre to judge. I’m not so sure that your writing style and story structuring couldn’t use a little bit of improvement. Your imaginary style is strong and that’s important for sci/fi, I’m just having trouble with how you write the story. I’d say you have potential, though.
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 1 -
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Fantasy is a hard genre to break since its so saturated. I would really study great fantasy authors and explore what made their fantasy remarkable or distinquishable from others.
The descriptiong of your “creatures” needs to be more… well descriptive. “ungodly” can mean alot of things. As the reader, I am particularly interested in your “creature” if your plot is not sparking. Jazz it up, come up with something cool and hauting. Something terrifying and new.
Horror genre’s tend to lend a great hand to fantasy by providing monsters and evils we fail to imagine which is why so many horrors cross over into fantasy and scifi easily.
Also another good thing to do if your developing a fantasy universe is to really explore it and study it yourself. I hope you have maps of continents, villages, floorplans of castles, seasons, languages ect. all mapped out. I really need to feel like i’ve cross into another world, not a 1980ds jim henson version of reality. Even if you don’t use the background for the story, develop it for the sake of the characters they will become real.
Your writing is what saves the story for me, good detail and handling, almost natural, dialogue is decent, but my challenge to your sir, is to really make this different from the endless lines of slush fantasy at bookmans.
Grammatically there are some errors, missing conjunctions and sentence structure that needs to be reviewed.
Good luck!
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