Poetry / I am Free (Analysis)

It’s powerful. I can easily feel what hold this person had over you. I guess congrats are in order for your freedom yet somehow there is a loss. The last sentence doesn’t seem to go with the whole releasing and controlling theme. I obviously don’t understand what burning has to do with the rest of it, but it sounds better without it. If it is another theme altogether, try and develop it. It sounds awesome that it could be another theme, all about burning and fire. I hope this way it sounds good to you and you can see how your thoughts are still intact yet seem to follow some order of events, as in a past tense.

Maybe it can read like this:

I hate that you were my obsession
When you didn’t cross my mind
Were the mere seconds I was free
Free of your love and rein over me
You have now been overthrown
I have freed myself of your hold
My mind is free of your dictatorship
So you Hitler are gone from me
You have ruined my life once
You’ll have no chance to do it again
No chance of getting in my head again

You seem very angry in this poetry.  ”I am Free” is a very powerful poem showing you will not be ruined again by this person.  Very good descriptions of how ticked off he/she has made you.  This reader would not like to provoke you in any way.  Thank you for letting me read this.

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May 31, 2008

by jdgosslee

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
143	59.6% (94 votes)	30.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	United States	April 05

You missed alot in your critique.  

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Honestly?  Not bad.  The first line is grammatically incorrect but I like that and you can get away with it in poetry.  You’ve enjambed lines and that’s caused the ryhthm and pace of the work to be thrown off a bit but you can fix that.  Read it aloud a few times and see where your sounds are forced. Look for places to break the lines differently for an easier flow.  That’s where you go to work.  Love the last line.

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May 31, 2008

by jdgosslee

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
143	59.6% (94 votes)	30.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	United States	April 05

“Honestly? Not bad.” Compared to what?  If whoever wrote this is going to be a writer of poetry they sincere criticism with direction, not a compliment on contrite poem with simplistic veiwpoints.  

May 31, 2008

by Howard_Bushart

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
480	94.0% (334 votes)	37.5%

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59	M	Seabrook, TX	November 22

Sorry, I thought you asked for “honesty”.  The compliment is honest.  If you feel ripped off, then ask for your credits back.  As for the work,  it’s not bad--compared to first drafts and a work in progress--which I thought it was.  A contrite poem it is not.  It is a bit simplistic.  Simple scansions and syllable counts let you know the rhythm is out of whack--but then you can tell that already just by glancing at the lines. There’s also an unfortunate couplet with the end rhyme of the second line (which is too long and forced) and the end rhyme of the third line.  This, too weakens the poem.  Again, if you read the poem aloud, these flaws are obvious.  Sorry I pissed you off.  Still love the last line.   P.S.--published my first poem when you were in elementary school.

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This is a powerful piece; however, the title does not match or enhance the content. I’m left confused to what the speaker is saying. If the speaker is still obsessed I don’t think they are “free.” So although the idea is good and you have some great lines such as “I hate you you’re my obsession.
The day you don’t cross my mind for one second is the day I am free” your poem does not really flow and I don’t get your pain. If I can’t get the speaker’s pain, I’m not going to care or feel about it.

I think you got it. I know I’ve been threw a couple of those myself, but never really had the right words. Powerful, and very emo. I hope you find a light of happniess somewhere. I prefer a happier side of passion. Kudos non the less

first: powerful “punk”... could be lyrics… make it more angry and defiant… after all you are pissed because he/she is your hated obssession.

clean it up a bit and punch it, hard!.(don’t ask for so many ratings, right away)

suggestions:

I hate you you’re my obsession/you, yet, you’re/comma

The day you don’t cross my mind for one second/the day you’re out of my mind
is the day I am free of you and your rein over me/is the day i am free
your reign over me has been overthrown/because you have no more power over me

(You have) ruined my life once/(you’ve ruined).. (i would contract for flow)

I have freed myself/i’ve set myself free
It looks like your dictatorship of my mind is over/your dictatorship is over
So you Hitler are gone/Hitler is dead
I hope your butler burned your body to a crisp/hope your butler but bullet in your head.

mind for one (second is the day I am free)/second-(break line)-is the day i am free and…

i would make the first sentence into two – it would make more sense.  ”I hate you. You’re my obsession.”

“Is gone you have been overthrown.” – do you mean “It’s gone”?  Again – this should be two sentences I think.  Try it – see what you think.

“So you Hitler are gone” – So you, Hitler are gone

good poem overall – reminds me of when i quit smoking!

To me this sounds like it is about a relationship gone awry. I can relate to such things as most people can, making it a great choice for a topic. It is easy to get into your frame of mind when reading it.

This line does not quite make sense to me? “Is gone you have been overthrown.”

I think that the “I am free” line would be much more moving at the end. Personally when I write a piece I like to slowly build up to my point by hinting about what I’m trying to portray that way you capture people’s interest and the don’t want to stop reading. If you tell them the whole story too soon they will stop before they are done because they already see your point.  I like the content but your words could use a little tweaking. Overall I think you are on the right track-keep on typing.