Thank you so much for the corrections-I suck at grammar :). This piece is somewhat of an idea for a prologue to a book of short stories (similar to Erma Bombeck meets Thoreau) of the moments in my life when I had an “AHA” moment. I am now about to turn 45, my children are grown, (20 & 22) their father has passed away, and I find myself at the same crossroads as I was when I wrote this, but with different challenges etc. The prologue to the book (after 22 years) finally answers what I believe to be the most fundamental human need. Thanks again
Deb
Non-fiction / To be somebody
“What is the most fundamental human need?”
I blanched when I saw the question. This was the mid-term and a large portion of my grade would be contingent upon this paper. Was this a trick question? Where was the thick-stacked exam bearing the list of multiple choice questions I had flipped through in other classes? This single-line rhetoric was more of an eternal question that experts from every field of academia could debate endlessly. I needed this grade; I had to have some sense of achievement. I was struggling and knew another failure, regardless how small, would push me closer to the edge. I had no desire to fall, again. I needed more direction.
My college sociology professor instructed me to be observant; to keep a watchful eye on social interaction and I would discover what people desired from life. I respected him. He was a prolific teacher and one of the few educators who encouraged my random thoughts rather than trying to control them. Still, he didn’t eliminate the confusion woven into the broad question he had put before me.
I decided to begin the assignment immediately. A “watchful eye on social interaction” would require I find somewhere heavily populated with a diverse group of people. I needed an objective baseline of human conduct. As for “what people desired in life”, I conceded that I would have to conduct interviews.
I went to the mall, sat on a bench and watched people. It was awkward; I felt as though I was intruding upon everyone’s privacy. It is difficult to be discreet when you’re searching for something you’ve never seen before and have only a vague description of what it should look like.
I watched for a method in the madness. All I noticed was that few people seemed to appear genuinely happy whether they were dining or shopping. Most people seemed to be mindlessly purchasing more of what they already possessed.
I had decided on five topics of discussions that might present an opportune moment to ask my obscure, intimate questions. I had, yet, to draw one conclusion that would dazzle my teacher and judge. The process was forced and futile; like trying to hold air in my hands. Some people withdrew from me immediately; others were generous and forthcoming. I found that both, the upper and lower, stations of mankind suffers. Perhaps not equally, but I did not find one person who had escaped pain in some form or fashion. I was surprised at the number of people who mentioned frustration; with the government, religion, neighbors. It did not surprise me that few included details of their own weaknesses in the very things that brought them the most discontent. Mostly, people did not like being measured by other people’s opinions.
I had approached the assignment as a scientific experiment, but the variables were turning out to be as much about emotion as it was about logic. I resigned myself from the experiment and returned home to restructure my approach.
I sacrificed my weekend to the enigma and had an empty apartment to dwell on the eternal question. The professor’s words rolled across my brain: “…keep a watchful on social interaction…”. The hours spent doing this had only managed to corral all the commotion and confusion into a disturbing noise that I could not separate or define. I tried adding my beliefs and emotions into the equation.
I was neither famous or noble. I knew I had yet to separate “who I was” from “who I wanted to become”. I didn’t attempt to resolve the issue because I knew I would have to confront my demons. It was too bold of a suggestion because I vividly remembered the discomfort this type of honesty brought with it. I refused to dissect myself.
My greatest road block was I knew one truth: honesty is the birth of discovery and, the measurable greatness of being honest, is a clear vision to a purpose. So this course of action ended with the inept question: “Who am I?”
I shrugged the deeper issue aside and answered myself cynically. I am one of a billion souls taking up time and space in a world that has yet to be mastered by all of us collectively, let alone, individually. I had exhausted every media avenue to assist me with direction. Historically, the patterns of violence, apathy, revival and enlightenment have been passing a baton back and forth between themselves and this pattern has been repeating itself since men threw rocks at animals to feed their families.
I had watched and talked to people for several hours and through this interaction I found people veiled their inward battles with carefully constructed outward images. People like to tie their stories with nice, little ribbons meant to convince you everything is fine, but it really isn’t. I did it all the time. I needed to have conversations with people willing to drop their guard.
My friends were direct and laced their reasoning with sentiment and experiences. The majority of them suggested love was the main ingredient of happiness. I wondered if they were considering both sides of the shield. Unless you understand the origin of an emotion it’s hard to define that which can overcome a heart without warning; lingers when you wish it would move on; and is evasive when you feel you need it most. It’s hard to embrace an emotion that cannot be controlled, predicted or contained by simply willing it to be so.
Loves moves you.
If love is the most fundamental human need, it explained the overwhelming amount of deprivation in the world. Because on the other side of the shield exists fear. A fear from the knowledge that without love, hope cannot be born or maintained. And, without hope we lack the inspiration to build our lives.
I changed my approach and began to ask leading questions. I gave hypothetical situations and people were more willing to talk in this venue. It was instantly clear that many people had a difficult time accepting love. They either felt inadequate to other people and, even, unworthy of the love of a spiritual deity. It was from an inability to forgive themselves from their past mistakes; mistakes that I did not have the heart to ask them to identify. The trapdoors of their regrets haunted them and had convinced them if they would only try harder they could capture the prize; love and approval from others. The details of their pain required permission. My thoughts turned in a disturbing direction.
This was an eternal question. I knew that to keep my insights balanced it would need to be addressed spiritually. Even though I grew up intermittently attending a Presbyterian Church, I favored a discussion with a patient priest I’d met at the base chapel. He spoke anonymously about acts of desperation he had witnessed over the years. More specific, he stressed the heartfelt opinion that it was acceptance and understanding people desired. He explained how understanding lends emotional credibility and builds the confidence in the human spirit. He described simple acts that could fulfill the desire people have to be considered equally in life. He was convinced people needed validation; evidence that their contributions were appreciated. He spoke of pain that releases itself in bold, unfiltered reactions and elaborated with worse case scenarios where there were few chinks left in the armors of those who’ve become locked inside themselves. I thanked him for his time, but I was disheartened with the assignment.
I had twenty four hours left to produce something. All I had discovered was I was a mixture of the good and bad I had saw in others. The certainty of death, the resurrection of hope, the agony of suffering and the elation of victory stories were only more patterns that continued to repeat themselves despite the evolution of man spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. I prayed there was more to the obviousness of our behaviors, but life is what it is.
The only supposition I had drawn was I was not qualified to measure and dictate another person’s needs. I had been tempted to contrive some truth with garnishments of clichés and quotes. I didn’t. You can’t disguise reality and get away with it. I didn’t want to attach my name to something pathetic. The truth was any conclusive decision I could try and pass off would be premature. I was twenty three…who was I?
And, therein lie the problem. I knew I could not move forward in life from my current state of pain. I had too many secrets. I swore at the exam paper, angry it had been the catalyst that exposed the unfulfilled needs in my life. I was one of the people the priest prayed for faithfully; a prisoner of my own misfortune. I lived in a dark, lonely place and on a good day I was able to take a few steps beyond a robotic response to life. I was at a crossroad. I sensed rebirth would be agonizing and I was skeptical of the glory I was told I would find in the end.
I glanced at the essay, again. It didn’t matter anymore; I would be dropped from the rolls. I had more serious matters to address. I consoled myself with the knowledge there was always “night” school. I kept pretending. Maybe, a change in my life would bring back joy and, equally important, my imagination. I missed dreaming. The thought of having those feelings back prompted me to glance once more at the exam. My mother’s voice floated in my mind: “Finish what you start”. I smiled at the thought. Maybe, this change was manageable after all.
I don’t remember the exact wording of my essay. I only possess a handful of the notes from my time spent in the mall. But, I rarely forget a conversation with a friend or spiritual advisor. These words seem to remain in a reservoir of my memory that never overflows.
Note 1:
“What is the most fundamental human need?”
I don’t know.
It is impossible to answer a complicated question with a one word answer. I could make something up and, sadly, I think few would understand why I refuse to do that. I’d like to say it’s a moral conviction against deception, but that would be another lie.”
Note 2:
“I believe people desire to be loved, accepted, understood and appreciated. This sparse list is nonnegotiable and limited by the pursuit of thinking that believes there is one essential answer; that one need fulfilled could ever be enough. It brings to mind the question put before me on this exam: Is it a plausible notion that there is one sufficient answer to gain me a perfect mark?”
Editing Mark #1: “I wish you would of asked: “What is the most damaging conduct we afflict upon others as an outcome of our behavior?” This is a rich question bubbling over with the possibility of redemption, compromise and possibly even a solution. I could have given you the answer without hesitation…to be ignored. When a person is overlooked it is the same as receiving the attention of a bully that wants to remind you that you are a “nobody”.”
Note to instructor: “Please omit this from my essay: I loathed the social interaction necessary for this assignment because I felt every question I delivered was tainted with the motive to crawl under their skin. My only conclusive observation is that people want to begin at the same starting point in life and be equally equipped to make their journey so that they fulfill a purpose. Until that time, they were not shy in mentioning they would like to be left alone.
“I appreciate the time you invested in me. Your wisdom has left an imprint that is seared into the walls of my mind. I don’t know what you intended us to gain from your exam, but I know what the quest for this answer has brought to my life. So, in lieu of an answer to your eternal question I have been able to solve a more intimate question and this is my answer: I need to be more honest.
“The truth is I’m too damaged to presume to know what other people need. I only know that I need to be somebody before I could ever meet the needs of someone else. It is only then that I could even begin to imagine how I can contribute anything positive to this equation.”
A few months later, I walked away from everything familiar and into the unknown. I was frightened. I felt alone, but empowered as well. I don’t know if it was false courage that accompanied me those first precarious steps, but it didn’t matter. Each new sunrise brought hope and, on a good day, I could remember my dreams.
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Jane_R reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a very thoughtful and heartfelt essay. I was eager to read the whole of it and to see how this narrator dealt with the difficult question and the specific difficulties of the suggested methods. I’m not sure how publishable it is. I don’t think that should be a criterion for this kind of exploration!
The open-ended answers to the question were just right and went beyond what I expected.
The last paragraph is important and surprising. I love seeing this narrator walk out. Only the last sentence seemed to me too vaguely positive. I’m not sure what to suggest in its place. Maybe just cut it.
Here are a few specific points:
This single-line rhetoric // Is a question “a rhetoric?” – seems not quite right
My college sociology professor instructed me to be observant// when did this happen? confuses me about time & place
He was a prolific teacher// prolific just means producing a lot. what word do you want here>
topics of discussions that might present an opportune moment// wordy: topics that might present opportunities?
The only supposition I had drawn/ I think you mean “conclusion”
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db_metallo reviewed Version 1 -
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First thin that I noticed was your lack of a line break between paragraphs…
When presenting your work on the Internet, you might want to consider inserting a line break between your paragraphs. It makes the pages much more readable and presentable. Don’t take my word for it – try it and see.
trav8434 reviewed Version 1 -
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“The process was forced and futile; like trying to hold air in my hands.” I think a dash would go better than the semicolon here. Happens a few more times.
“I found that both, the upper and lower, stations of mankind suffers.” These commas can probably be stricken from the sentence and “suffers” should be “suffer”. The following sentece is a fragment – maybe you could work it in with the previous one.
“I was surprised at the number of people who mentioned frustration;” this semicolon should be a colon.
“It did not surprise me that few included details of their own weaknesses in the very things that brought them the most discontent.” I really really like this observation.
”...and, the measurable greatness of being honest, is a clear vision …” These commas are not necessary.
“If love is the most fundamental human need, it explained the overwhelming amount of deprivation in the world. Because on the other side of the shield exists fear.” The first sentence doesn’t logically flow into the second sentence, which is itself a fragment. I can’t understand how fear of the lack of love causes deprivation until you explain it better.
“So, in lieu of an answer to your eternal question I have been…” Missed a comma after “question”.
This subject is, like you said, one debated from the time of the ancients until present day; however i think you’ve held your own, at least in that your points are clear and well-stated. It’s really a reflective question, as you demonstrate. At the same time, you tell us a story that doesn’t end with you predictably recieving the highest grade for overcoming the ridicularity of the essay question. The ending was inspiring, at least to me.
This is a fantastic piece.
Given your new understanding of life and your place in it, i’d be curious about your new thoughts on life.
Travis
astral206 reviewed Version 1 -
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Kind of confused. Is this like your diary on something that happened in the past? Classifying as non-fiction when this is a personal product can be misleading. I enjoyed it though.
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