Limericks / free will and greed

I like it.  I think it has a good flow and a good message.  It’s clearly understood and the rhyming is done well.  Good luck with it.

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July 22, 2008

by gator326

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41	M	United States	July 25

Thank you for the review.

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i prefer your second version to the first but i would consider making one change. in the last line take away the word ‘when’ so that the sentence reads: Meant to cure this disease we breed. it would flow better and kinda ties in with the first line. overall it was beautifully written and i enjoyed reading it.

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July 19, 2008

by gator326

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41	M	United States	July 25

I like your suggestion, but I am trying to stay true to the form. Taking out “when” would make the last line a syllable short.

July 22, 2008

by karrina

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28	F	Sebastian, FL	August 16

oh, okay then. still love the poem. great work

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This piece impresses me.
I believe it opens up this entire new perspective to look into.
Very clever thought process.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Nice work. Keep it up.

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May 26, 2008

by gator326

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41	M	United States	July 25

Thanks…I did end up with a 2nd version which I entered in a contest…Thanks for your thoughts.

May 26, 2008

by gator326

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
27	92.9% (14 votes)	18.1%

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41	M	United States	July 25

Thanks…I did end up with a 2nd version which I entered in a contest…Thanks for your thoughts.

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Limerics are classic it’s true,
And this one I’ll credit to you,
But I get the feeling,
God will be reeling,
for this limerick’s one that you blew!

Sorry, the structure is fine and it makes a good point, but the second line “cancer of want over need” just does not seem to match up well. A good effort overall. Tweak it and enter it, and see what happens.

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May 26, 2008

by gator326

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
27	92.9% (14 votes)	18.1%

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41	M	United States	July 25

Thanks…I did indeed revise. If you get a chance, check out version 2. Let me know if you think it’s any better…and if you think God can handle my questioning. Loved the limerick response from you!

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