Poetry / RAIN

This piece resonated within me. I especislly liked the line,”our cold eyes glare on remorselessly”, though the word ‘cold’ seems to stilt the flow. I lost a cousin in Desert Storm, and my nephew just got back from duty in Iraq, so I identify with what you’ve written.

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June 05, 2008

by arualsuga

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
329	60.6% (33 votes)	39.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	F	Australia	October 17

thanks for the review =D
I agree with you about the ‘cold’ and I am going to change it as soon as I think of something better, initially I wanted to use ‘bright’ because the metaphor is supposed to be headlights or people staring and taking it all in without feeling sad.
I’m sorry to hear about your cousin, I personally don’t think war is necessary but until everyone agrees it will still be a part of humanity.
Thankyou again
-Laura

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This has very good imagery. I like it.

“We yield no pain”
        This line needs some working on. The word “yield” doesn’t fit in the context that you have put it in. I think a word like “feel” would work better.

“Smashed and torn and shredded”
         This is too long and jagged and it doesn’t flow with the rest of the poem. Try something like this “Smashed, torn and shredded”.

“And we ignore the battlers lain to waste”
          There is something that doesn’t flow in this line . . . “the battlers lain”, yeah this doesn’t sound right to me. Try something other than “battlers” or try something like this; “And we ignore the battered solders, lain to waste”

Over all this is a brilliant piece of work, very good imagery and a different view of rain.
Keep up the great work and don’t stop!!!
Yours Sincerely and Friendly
Frendly_Bubbles :D

Very good writing style, the reader could take this  many ways, and apply it to their life, many different battles in few words, nice.

I like this. Some nice imagery – ‘front by front they hurl themselves on’, ‘A septic puddle of loss’

Just a few niggles: the word ‘yield’ doesn’t sound appropriate in this context, perhaps the simpler ‘feel’ would work better.

Smashed AND torn AND shredded sounds clumsy – ‘smashed, torn, shredded.’‘carcasses dissolved in a sea of death’ (melted would be ok if this was hail not rain.)

Battlers? Fighters/Warriors?

You end with the word death – having already used it earlier – change one of these?

A good idea and on the whole well executed.

Keep writing!

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June 05, 2008

by arualsuga

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
329	60.6% (33 votes)	39.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	F	Australia	October 17

I specifically chose ‘yield’ because it gives an image of loss and surrender, as if our pain is the rain’s victory.

Thanks for the review, I’ve updated it in accordance.
:)

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