Quotes / Don't let it burn (Analysis)

The idea is good. Though I may not be a very good at reviewing I felt that the quote is a lttle lengthy. I presume that after semicolon the sentence that follows should be able to stand immediately…Over here it seems there is an issue with fragmentation.

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May 29, 2008

by stum

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

hmm okay…I will try re-phrasing it. thanks anyway :)

May 31, 2008

by Engineering_poet

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23	M	India	June 06

yea…Do send a message to me when you have revamped it.. I certainly will like to review this again..

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I think this would work best if re-worded.

I would drop the word “it” after “watch”.

Then I would drop “and”  , consider changing the last word “you” , to perhaps “the lot”.

This is an interesting idea, keep writing.

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May 29, 2008

by stum

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

okie, I’ll try re-wording it. thanks anyway.

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I see that you are a young person. Perhaps your passions are at a constant simmer. I’m at an age where happiness is often found in the sedate moment.

The quote is crisp and logical; it follows its premise from beginning to end with no digression. My only criticism is an issue of grammar. I would change the phrase ”...and not watch it…” to ”...and forget (or neglect) to watch it…” or some other version that you feel gets your meaning across.

Thanks for the read. Good luck.  

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May 29, 2008

by stum

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

haha okay. what’s it with people on urbis and age? many people like commenting on age. okie I will try re-phrasing it. thanks for the feedback anyway. :)

May 29, 2008

by dukelemoyne

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49	M	Camp Hill, PA	November 22

When you get there, you’ll understand.

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i get the gist of this, but the point is lost in the legth of one sentence. break up the thought and you will promote greater impact.

suggestions:

happiness can boil over
just like water in a pot
it can overflow and burn you
by not being watched

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May 29, 2008

by stum

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

haha okay that’s quite cute, but I don’t really want it to look so poetic. thanks anyway! I might consider your idea though, but a slightly different version.

May 29, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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54	F	Germany	May 14

got it!

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Very true. I like the metaphor.

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May 29, 2008

by stum

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

thanks :)

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