What do you mean wacky or left out? What does it do or say or whatever?
Thank you for the review, as always. I appreciate the editing notes too!
Novel Treatments / Little Things - Guilt
I hated the world I had created.
I had, single handedly, ruined two lives, and made one sweet and innocent, unlucky bystander’s life, at the least, more difficult than necessary. But there was no turning back for me now. The damage had been done; the mistakes could not be mended. My only option was to push through the seemingly perpetual misery and guilt, just to find more of the same.
I suppose that was the story of my life – ruining all good that came to me, and anything in between. Worse, I never learned and life never became any easier. My actions just secured my suspicions that not only would life never improve, but that I was a selfish, dangerous force to those who mistakenly became close to me. It was as if I was a ruthless hunter luring in game with a familiar call or sweet treat, only to shoot it down the moment it wandered near. Sickening, and this was the monster that was Me.
Yet the most defeating part was knowing exactly where I kept going wrong, in so many areas of my life, and being unable (or unwilling?) to correct them, some over generous numbers of years. I kept falling prey to my same mistakes; again and again I would fail.
I only wished, every day of my pathetic existence, that I was someone else, or at least had that someone else’s mind, their strengths and abilities, their motivation and will. But without fail, every morning when I woke up [with a struggle to kick the duvet to the floor and face the certain impending doom of the day], I never changed. I found myself in the same body, and sensed the same sad, disappointing mind I had become so resentful of and so desperate to escape.
Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. So according to the late, great Einstein, I was certifiably insane. My entire life had consisted of a series of these insane actions, leaving me confused and frustrated with the negative, repetitive results, and with myself. Yet still I repeated those actions. Insanity.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It is small so there is not much to work. I did find it an interesting read. It did catch my attention.
The only real advice that I can give is to close up the gaps, and tab your paragraphs.
Other than that, I think you have something to work with here. Stay with it.
- add/view comments (0)
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
An intricate slice of introspection that creates a connection with the reader. In this you do a great job of revealing the inner mind of a character, all the while employing a quote that makes perfect sense in the passage. Of course it leaves the reader wondering how this character has managed to ruin lives and such.
nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
When I read the first few paragraphs I thought you knew me and was writing about me! Seriously! “I am a selfish, dangerous force to all that come close to me! I also feel like a ruthless hunter! Believe me I know all of my mistakes and am to unwilling to fix them at this point. I could tell I will like this read so keep it up please! I need more! OCD maybe!
SunsetStargazer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really think this could be a good story as long as you continue working on. Besides I love first person point of view. So keep on working on it. ^^
Good Luck.
~Sun
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This wasn’t bad. It rambled quite a bit, but that is what I think you were going for. Sometimes, however, you ramble so much that the reader loses sight of what you are writing. My suggestion to you is to clean up the second paragraph. It doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the piece. In this paragrpah you are talking abotu ruining people’s lives, and then in the next you go into your insanity and Einstein’s theory on sanity. It just doesn’t seem to fit. Also, the very first sentece isn’t really needed, in my opinion.
(and just to warn you, I believe that your second to last paragraph was mixed up with the last one. Granted, it could have been done on purpose, but it doesn’t seem to be so.)
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is pretty engaging. I want to know what it is you are doing repeatedly so I would definitely read on. This is your work of art, but here are my humble suggestions.
“Yet still I repeated those actions” seems too stiff. “Yet still I did the same stupid crap over and over again” would be better.
The hunter simile was good. Consider using more like that.
Good work.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your prose, although quite analytical, is easy to follow and passionate with punctuating stops like “the monster that was Me.” I think this shows that you can write very good prose, but most of this sounds like character work for yourself.
Proofreading notes:
single handedly = single-handedly
There are a lot of commas in your second sentence. There may be other ways of expressing this idea without so many.
Something’s wacky or left out between the first a second Urbis page.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
7 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 3 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 169 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
