Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Lunar Cast (Analysis)
The sun was dipping low into the sky, barely a sliver visible. It threw deep oranges, bright reds into the sky, streaking it with colour. Too bright eyes reflected this. A girl, no older than fifteen stared up, mesmerized. She knew what this meant. The Lunar Cast. She could here the chatting, the clinking of glasses, the drunken laughter behind her. A festival all of Grove Hill celebrated. The harvest moon would come out soon, and she would be forcing brandy down her throat. It was the way things happened here. There was a hot grip on her shoulder, and Aurora looked up, into the dreamy eyes of Danaan.
“Aurora?” He said, frowning, concern thick in his voice. “What is it?”
“This. All this. It was the night my father…” She stopped, the words caught in her throat. Even after 3 summers, she couldn’t bring herself to say it. It still hadn’t been accepted in her mind. Her eyes swelled with tears. She looked down ashamed, tears falling on her lap.
It has been a dreadful night. The images floated back into her mind. The Lunar Cast brought the joy of harvest. But along with it, The Night Creature. No man or woman was ever foolish enough to stay out at midnight. It was not safe. But her father, her father had a liking to drink. Zeb had taken The Lunar Cast as an excuse to drink to much. He had fallen asleep on the chair, a drowsy smile on his face. His friends had tried to wake him, to shake him, to at least move him indoors. They called for help, but nobody would come. He was too large to even budge. So they left him.
Aurora hated them for that, but understood that they had too. Aurora had been in bed already, curled up with a scroll on Dark Magic. She had then fallen asleep, face on the parchment. She had awoken to deafening screams, piercing through the silence of the night. Aurora had sprang bolt upright: she know that voice. Her mother was screaming. Aurora hadn’t bothered to get dressed. In a thin vest and her underwear, she ran out into the cobbled street, where her mother was shrieking. She looked out and saw the seen: a black shadow hung over her father. He was turning pale, and the shadow was growing. She suddenly recognised it from books she’d read: The Night Creature was sucking the life out of her father! A puddle of blood lay at his feet. Her eyes opened wide, and she gulped back a shout of terror. Her blood was cold, and she was suddenly aware that two red eyes were watching them. It had seen them! Grabbing her mothers arm, she tried pulling her inside.
“Mother! Mother! Come on! I can not loose you both!” She had told her, dragging her by the cloth of the tunic she wore. “It’s coming for us! We’ve lost enough tonight. There has been enough blood spill!”
Her mother had said much, but obliged to being pulled into the house. Aurora bolted the door, and stared out the window. The shadow was gone. Aurora looked up again. Danaan still stood, watching her. She guessed her knew what she was thinking. He sat down beside her on the edge of the ravine, and handed her a drink.
“Forget.” He told her calmly, in a spellbinding voice.
“I can’t, you know I can’t!”
“Then let drink do it for you!” He smiled, gulping at his brandy.
She laughed, a fake laugh, and took a sip of the brandy. She got up, walking towards the crowds.
“I’ll never forget. Not ‘til my dying day.” She whispered, a whisper that was not audible over the roaring drunks.
The sound of hooves beating against the ground was her favourite sound. It was an hour before midnight. She made the excuse of a headache, and escaped. She knew Danaan would be looking for her, but she pushed that thought out of her mind, concentrating on her mount. Jitter had been purchased by her father on her tenth, from a market in Grove End. He had been named appropriately: He was fidgety for anyone but Aurora. She held on to his black mane careful, not wanted to hurt the horse. The stables were just off the square: She and the horse would have been seen without a doubt if she had dared to go there to strap the horse up. Without the saddle, she felt his muscles ease and tightened with each gallop. She felt at one with the horse, but uncomfortable to say the least. Its spine was digging into her thighs.
Jitter sent up swirls of dust from the dirt track with each step it took, and Aurora smiled. She loved riding. She rode through a field full of barley and in some places, blood red poppies lined the road. It was all so beautiful.
Soon, she saw trees coming towards her. She smiled blissfully and looked up at the sky. The dark orange moon was almost at its’ highest points: Midnight. Only a few minutes, she knew. She dug her heel into her stead, and it galloped more urgently, aware of its riders’ anxiousness. Aurora bent down, ready to enter and swerve between roots and low branches. After a few, long seconds, she entered her destination, and let the forest consume her.
She shut her eyes, feeling the uneven forest floor make her horse falter. Pain shot through her arm, and Aurora looked across in time to see a thick, knobbly branch pierce her skin. A drop of blood escaped the cut, but Aurora soon forgot about it, determined to reach the place she was searching for. It seemed like hours of dreadful riding, Jitter and its rider came into a clearing, where the cloudless, ink blue sky could be seen, the moon perched in the centre. She was just in time! She laughed to herself, jumping off the horse ungracefully and stretching her stiff legs. Reaching down, she took her beautifully crafted sword out of its scabbard and touched the end of the blade.
After a flinch of pain, she held it up and slashed the bark of both the trees that marked her entrance. Then, using the flat part of the sword, hit Jitter on the behind. He let out a small screech, and set off in a gallop through the marked oaks. She sighed, and looked up once more. Midnight was creeping ever closer: She had but a minute left. She knew that her mother would be screeching through the house, maybe in the street, searching for her. Danaan would, no doubt, have joined her.
Just then, Aurora noticed a something that hadn’t been there a second before: a soft hum, like the rumble of far off thunder. It was awakening.
“Where is she?” Danaan asked urgently.
“I’m not sure…maybe she’s mourning because of what happened this night, three years ago. She still cries. She needs strength.” Aurora’s mother, Phi, said.
“She’ll never get over it. Especially since she actually saw it happen. I feel sorry for her.” Danaan said, frowning. “Hang on You don’t think she went to meet him. do you?”
“Who?” Phi asked, though she had guessed already.
“The Night Creature. He’s gone to his lair. Surely not even someone as daring as Aurora could do such a stupid thing could she?”
Phi looked down, clearly distressed. She was not a a stupid woman, and she knew her child well.
“Of course she has. I’ve just can’t think about it” She sighed, and turned away. “Shall I fetch the horses?”
Danaan raced after her, and they quickly saddled the horses up and they rode into the night. Danaan rode a grey horse, with a wild mane and devilish eyes, whereas Phi opted for a small black stead with hazel flecks.
As they reached the woods, they both muttered “Good luck” and sank into the trees. The forest was unnaturally quiet.
“Aurora?” Phi called out, almost desperate now for her child. She couldn’t bear to lose both her husband and her child to the same creature.
“Sshh. Don’t make him aware of our presence!” Danaan urged.
“He’ll know we’re here. He always knows.” Phi snarled back.
And, as if on cue, they came to a clearing. It was almost pitch black, and the two had to strain their eyes to see into the dark. But they knew what was coming before their vision cleared. The dark lump on the floor was indeed Aurora, who stared up at the sky. What was most disturbing, though, was the ghost of a smile which played across her lips.
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The sun was dipping low into the sky, barely a sliver visible. It threw deep oranges, bright reds into the sky, streaking it with colour. Too bright eyes reflected this.
This is good, and would be a good beginning, except it isn’t flowing.
It was not safe.
Try to avoid was, is, as and were. These for words can cause problems. Trust m e when i say that rewording these out will make your story so much better.
She had then fallen asleep, face on the parchment.
Try to avoid then as well. THis is to much of a telling sentance. take out then.
You have 34 was and 25 is. You need to get rid of these to make your story beter
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Your story is one of the best I’ve seen on Urbis so far. There are, however, too many errors; to save you credits, I’ll send you a message instead. Good luck!
‘A festival all of Grove Hill celebrated.’ – this is a sentence fragment.
Two/too/to – there seems to be a lot of confusion about how and when to use these three – especially in the beginning of the piece.
‘Aurora BOLTED upright: she KNEW that voice.’
‘Aurora hadn’t bothered to get dressed.’ – Begin new paragraph here.
‘Her mother had said much, but obliged to being pulled into the house.’ – don’t like the use of the word ‘obliged’ (a derivative of the word ‘obligated’) here.
‘Aurora looked up again. Danaan still stood, watching her.’ – I assume that we have shifted from the flashback back to the past-present? The transition here is weak and needs more clarification. For starters, I would make this a new paragraph.
Your piece is riddled with sloppy spelling mistakes and gramatical errors. I’d dump it into Word and give it a good scrubbing.
As far as the content goes, you seemed to have abruptly stopped right as the story gets going. I certainly hope that the ending isn’t really the end of the story.
Also, you’ve given us a basic, almost crude, introduction to our characters. And there’s not really enough meat here to thoroughly engage your reader. I would suggest the use of more descriptive imagery in describing your scenes and the emotions of your characters. It will certainly help you to craft a more well-rounded story. Good luck!
First and foremost some grammar mistakes:
But her father, her father had a liking to drink.
liking for drinking.
They called for help, but nobody would come.
nobody came.
Aurora hated them for that, but understood that they had too.
they had to.
She looked out and saw the seen:
the scene:
Grabbing her mothers arm, she tried pulling her inside.
mother’s
I can not loose you both!
cannot lose
To add some more emotion you could make the following changes:
So they left him.
So they left him. Alone.
But I think the content is GREAT. Absolutely. The reader can really feel for Aurora and the descriptions allow the reader to imagine what is actually going on, and the story plays like a movie. Perfect 10 all round!
I highly recommend reading up on the use of commas and semi-colons. Commas, for one, are meant largely as a means of emphasis. When you read a comma, you read a slight pause or hesitation in the sentence/event. All in all, The Lunar Cast is very good. Story-wise, you have the perfect cliff-hanger at the end. If you should decide to turn this short story into a longer one, I’d love to know why Aurora was smiling at the end. :) I’ve included all known spelling errors and some, but not all, of the grammatical errors. I did give you 3 9s and 2 10s, though. Keep up the good work and best of luck. —Mandy
Aurora had sprang bolt upright: she know that voice. —“had sprung”/semi-colon, not colon/ “knew”
and saw the seen:—“scene”/semi-colon, not colon
Grabbing her mothers arm—”mother’s”
I can not loose you both!—”lose”
She guessed her knew—”he”
He had been named appropriately:—semi-colon
to his black mane careful,—“carefully”
The stables were just off the square:—period or semi-colon
aware of its riders’ anxiousness—“rider’s” b/c there is only one
dreadful riding, Jitter—this comma should be replaced by “before”
Hang on You don’t—a period after “on”
I’ve just can’t think about it—”I” instead of “I’ve” or “couldn’t” instead of “can’t”
And, as if on cue—better not to start this sentence/paragraph with “And”
I think you are a very talented writer for your age. You just need to work on your grammar and some of your sentences need rewriting to sound better, run smoother. Other than that I think you have a pretty good piece here.
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