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Non-fiction / 10 Steps to Life (Analysis)
On May 15, 2000, I thought I might literally die from heartache. I threw myself onto the bed and sobbed until my sides cramped and I couldn’t breathe. My husband ran to the room, desperate to know what had happened. There were no words. One look into my eyes told him everything he needed to know; I had just lost our baby.
Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating no matter how far along you were. The following are some ideas to help you cope if you are having a difficult time:
1) Don’t blame yourself…
After a miscarriage, one of the first things grieving parents tend to do is blame themselves. ”I must have done something wrong. I didn’t eat right. I didn’t exercise enough.”
In most cases nothing you could have done would prevent this tragedy.
2) Get Informed…
Educate yourself. Go to the library and find books on the subject. Google websites that deal with the many facets of miscarriage. Learn about the physical and also the emotional repercussions.
3) Seek others…
It’s important that you know you are not alone. It can be helpful to have someone around who knows what you are feeling. Seek other women or families who have been in the same situation as you. There are many ways to do that.
Start by opening up to your family and friends. You might be surprised to see who has been down this road before you. Many places have support groups, see if there is one in your area. Ask your doctor or search the internet. There are many web sites with chat rooms and message boards populated by people in various stages of the grieving process.
4) Remember your loved ones…
Don’t forget that your husband is also grieving. If you have other children, they will be as well. Get help for them if needed and do not leave them out of your grieving process. The whole family will have healing to do. This is the time to draw them in. The kids need to know they have not done anything wrong and that Mom and Dad still love them.
Talk to your husband. Men as a whole tend to feel a need to fix something that’s broken. He may be feeling helpless as this is something that cannot be fixed. This can be a huge strain on a marriage, or it can be a time of powerful bonding depending on how you communicate with each other. Communicating with love and tenderness will go a long way toward helping you both get through this time of loss, and maybe even strengthen your relationship.
5) Give it time…
Give yourself and your family room to grieve. Take some time off work. Let Grandma take the kids for a sleepover. When they come back home, have them climb into bed with you and watch a silly movie. You must have popcorn for this event (that’s what vacuums are for). Pamper them a little; do some things you don’t normally do. Ask them questions about what they feel, and answer their questions in age appropriate ways.
Keep in close contact with your doctor during this time and keep your appointments. If you feel you are not getting better, seek help. Talk to your doctor, a counselor, or a clergy member. If you are struggling with sleeping or depression, talk to your doctor about the possibility of short-term medication. Each of these professionals can help you in a different area of your own unique recovery.
6) Come to a place of acceptance…
Coming to a place of accepting your loss will help a great deal with your emotional well-being. Saying you can accept what happened does not in any way mean you are ok with it. It simply means you have accepted that you have no control over this and are going to allow yourself to find healing – not only for yourself, but also for your family and the memory of your little one. You do your family and yourself no good if you stay in a place of unforgiveness and anger. These are emotions you will go through, but take caution not to take up residence there.
7) Make a memorial…
Make something, plant something, build something, give life to something in honor of your little one. I planted a garden, which was something foreign to me. I found it very therapeutic to have my hands in the dirt and planting beautiful flowers; not only as a memorial but also as a way to process. If you have other kids this is a great project to have them help you with. For a more personal memorial, put a cross with your baby’s name in the garden you planted.
Do whatever it is that gives you peace; maybe try something new that you have always thought about trying. Make a quilt, paint a picture, write a poem. You could also keep a journal. Some of the best writing comes from raw emotion and it’s therapeutic to work through your thoughts by writing about them. Do not hide your feelings. If you are angry or sad, write about it. That will help you sort through them to begin to heal.
8) Name your baby…
Give the baby a name that means something to you, even if you were only a few weeks along. I came up with a gender-neutral name because I did not know if it was a boy or a girl. It doesn’t matter what you name it, it doesn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl. If you don’t know, then just pick a name that has meaning for you. For me, it solidified the fact that I had suffered a real loss, not just the loss of what should have been.
9) Resume a normal schedule…
A sense of normalcy can be comforting. Try to resume your daily routine as soon as you can, a little at a time. Be realistic – when you go back to work, see if you can come in for a few hours to start and then go a little longer. Do not push yourself before you are ready. Still allow for periods of grief that will wash over you out of nowhere. Time helps, but the wounds will remain.
10) Look forward…
Look to the future. When your doctor gives you the all clear, you can start trying again if that is what you chose together – but talk about it with your husband first. You will both grieve in different ways and for different periods of time. Discuss the options, weigh the risks and decide together what is right for your family. Look into all your options, maybe adoption could be right for you and your family.
Fact…
Out of all pregnancies, about 30% end in miscarriage, half of them before the woman even knows she is pregnant. (Miscarriage Association)
Links…
March of Dimes
www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1192.asp
Miscarriage Association
www.miscarriageassociation.org.
Health Square
www.healthsquare.com/fgwh/wh1ch27.htm
La Belle Dame
www.labelledame.com
A beautiful site that sells jewelry in remembrance of lost babies.
© Heather Sargent 2008
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bandcupid04 reviewed Version 2 -
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This 105 word review has not been unlocked.
dreamwritter reviewed Version 2 -
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I really thought this was well written. I was left looking for more when it was all done. I hope that this gets published.
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RascalRuss reviewed Version 2 -
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Excellent, well written, informative piece.
Engineering_poet reviewed Version 2 -
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A few weeks ago I had written a poem in a similar topic called THe chosen. The poem is there at urbis.com.
The loss that you talk about is such that we just cant compare it with any thing. You have given various ways of overcoming the grief. This is a very good article for all the women who have gone through such a situation.
I dont have many words but I would certainly recommend this article to everyone;
martykate reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, let me say that I am very glad that you wrote this article. I was the birth registrar for Swedish Hospital in Seattle and I had to deal with writing death and fetal death certificates. I know how painful just doing this was for me, even to the extent of it being painful to be around the mother, especially if she was holding her baby. Bravo for you for writing this.
Your article was very thoughtful. You talked honestly about the pain for the whole family in dealing with a lost pregnancy. I am sorry that you had to go through this, but you have obviously passed through the pain and grieving and decided to use your experience to help others.
The steps you wrote were very well thought out and stated very clearly. You write to the pain of the women experiencing the grief of pregnancy loss very well. You addressed each issue in a clear, compassionate manner.
There is only one point I disagree on, and it is very subjective. Not all husbands are good at being supportive in the grieving process; possibly because of the “boys don’t cry” syndrome that most of them are brought up with. A lot of husbands are very supportive, but there are some (doctor’s included) who have the attitude—well, we lost this one, but we can always try again.
I agree that the family should be brought into the grieving process. I feel it’s a good idea, especially for a child who was looking forward to being a big brother or sister.
Good luck with getting this published. And thank you for being brave and sharing your experience with your grief. This article was very moving.
10pfrw06 reviewed Version 2 -
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An awesome piece of writing as I felt the felt the emotion. The best parts I received out of your writing was the the concept of taking your time-a foreign concept to our society-and the need for deep felt communication between your spouse and kids. Thank you for such encouraging piece of writing on such a delicate issue.
TnD reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve got a lot of great information here, bundled up into a nice little package. Keeping the point throughout, when it would be easy to stray and bring your own experiences into it (further than you did). There’s a lot to be said for someone strong enough to go through this. Thanks for sharing and I sincerely hope to see it published soon.
azrider12 reviewed Version 2 -
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Though this is something that is very hard to cope with, it’s a subject well talked about.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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First, I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
With regads to the article, I like the title. But the opening paragraph rushes from what happened, into advice. How much planning had you done in terms of the pregnacy and in preperation for the baby’s arrival? How many people had you told? Setting us up with this information will lead to a more heart-rendering tale. I don’t want the history of your whole relationship, just a bit more scene-setting.
You mention the “husband” in advice. Not every pregnant woman/ parent is married. In my town, most of them aren’t. Try “partner”. Ontop of that, what if the relationship ended before said woman found out she was pregnant?
When advising someone on how to talk to people, it helps to use actual examples of sentences or questions. I’m no guidance councillor, but I’ve read a lot of advice online.
I personally wouldn’t advise people to take medication to deal with depression. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve learned not to try to mental problems with physical, biological drugs. Also I’ve seen newspaper articles saying exercise is better than medication to boost self-image.
“Coming to a place of accepting your own loss”- this is a bit wordy and could be simplified. What do you mean?
“A way to process”- process what exactly?
We’re both writers. I agree that putting thoughts into words helps to clarify and confirm them.
Where is your research from? The Miscarriage association quote is a powerful way to conclude, but this conclusion needs more length and detail. As does the whole piece. A good subject matter though, and I’d love to see a new version.
esotericgirl reviewed Version 2 -
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I found this to be very informative, compassionate and clear, however I would like to know more about your personal experience going through these 10 steps. Unless you are a medical health professional specializing in this area in some way, the credibility of your advice comes from your personal experience. Right now, it sounds like one of those pamphlets I read at my gynecologists office in the waiting room. I’d like to find out more about your experience before and after that first paragraph. You start with a very moving first moment and suddenly become very clinical despite the heartfelt sincerity of the delivery. My suggestion is to get as personal as you can get with this; no holds barred. Tell your true story of going through these 10 steps and how you came to each of them. Show us what you went through and how; provide women who have experienced this or are experiencing this, someone to relate to. I think there is a lot of potential in this piece and I would love to read the next draft, if there is one.
I am so very sorry for your loss and I wish you the absolute best of luck with this.
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