Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Carry Me (Analysis)

I don’t get why you chose this category, rather than poetry.  Perhaps you don’t consider yourself a poet, but this is certainly poetic, almost lyrical.  I love the play on words with gift, present and presence.  That’s frikken clever.  I’ll probably steal it for a poem.  Well done, good insight, but find your best presentation!  Embrace your inner poet!

TNX!

Hi.

I find the form of this a little disturbing and I think that you could turn this in to a sonnet.

There is obviously a lot of self-questioning here, specifically with the line: “How do I be me and not feel as if being me is harming another”. I would make this the opening line as it tells the reader a lot about what you will be saying and it is more striking than your current opening line.

For me lines seven and eight did not belong with the poem as they seemed to be too dialectic and formal, ignoring some of the feeling you had already introduced.

Aside from this I think this is a good beginning and has potential, just explore a little and re-structure the layout.

I had to take a long look at this one, maybe it hit too close to home. I got a better understanding of it by repunctuating the third line to “Perhaps it is just, that” with no period, so it becomes the beginning of the next, using just to indicate justice understood rightly. Honesty and sincerity are the basis of true giving, and if you’re not being who you are, you’re just pretending to give, becoming a wind that rips through everything. Maybe capitalize Presence, to hint at the divinity of the self. Then again, just the definite article does that for me. A wise poem.

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May 29, 2008

by Desperada

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
8	83.3% (6 votes)	62.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Traverse City, MI	August 08

I appreciate that suggestion and truly value reviews such as yours that are helpful to my purpose.  Thank you for taking the time to review this.

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To be honest this didn’t really do anything for me and I found it a little confusing.  I think I got the gist of what you were trying to say: that you have to be you; but even that is mosty from your notes and not from the piece itself.

Two line in particular confused me.  How does one stand in defiance of ones self?  And the line about gifts being present to the giver and the receiver.  Sorry, I just didn’t get the at all.  

It feels as though it is trying a little too hard to be profound and is missing its mark.

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May 29, 2008

by Desperada

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
8	83.3% (6 votes)	62.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Traverse City, MI	August 08

I do not expect that my style of writing will appeal to everyone.  I write with depth and metaphors that invite the reader to explore their own depths.  I appreciate your time.

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