I am glad you enjoyed it. I think it is a calm and peaceful transition, when the spirit departs from it’s heavy, physical shell. I remember when I was 17 and floating on an intertube out into the gulf, past the orange warning balls. My eyes were closed and when I opened them I couldn’t believe the distance I’d traveled and at once I was panic strickened! The people on the beach were as small as ants and I realized I was far, way too far away. I jumped from the intertube and tried desperately to swim back. I closed my eyes, I prayed, I screamed “help me, help me”, my heart pounded, I couldn’t breathe and then suddenly I became calm; a calm like never before or since and I just stopped fighting, floating gently to the sandy ocean bottom. When my knees hit the sand, I realized my head was still above water and I opened my eyes…Surely believing I died, I realized I was in water only up to my waist! Crazy man, just crazy but so peaceful in the end when I died…
Poetry / Circle of Seven (Analysis)
Circle of Seven
Marvelous it would be to save this old and weary soul
Many shadows dance aimlessly toward it’s demise
Visionless and limitless we seem to anticipate
For a coming of tomorrow through yesterday’s eyes
Prayer trickles through empty corridors
As a soul begs excessively to be set free
Physical limitations override the spirit
So it creeps in, this thing called destiny
No sadness lingers at lifetime’s edge
No mystery unraveled, or story to tell
Only the tempting call of asseveration
As now the soul is lifted from it’s heavy shell
The shadows move closer to graciously accept
And the soul dances within the circle of seven
Beautiful tears touch the earth as soft rain
As the old, weary soul travels gently toward heaven
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I really enjoyed the poem. It gave me great thought as I read through line by line. The second stanza just really threw me for a loop. In a line it says “As the soul begs excessively to be free”. What is the soul trying to be free from? One would assume the physical body as you pointed out in the third stanza “As now the soul is lifed from it’s heavy shell”. But what I’m not sure of is if the soul was begging to be free from it’s heavy shell (human body) then how can “physical limitations override the spirit”? The spirit wasn’t seeking to remain in the human body so spiritual desire override the physical shell. The spirit won and therefore that line conflicts with you final outcome.
Other than that second stanza I really enjoyed this poem and thank you for sharing this with me.
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Seven is a devine number. I liked how you mixed this divinity into your poem. Your write was very calm and peaceful. There were no tedious lines and like a spirt I floated. I think it’s depth was decent but I felt like you were holding back some. Overall a very well read piece.
Nice work:) The only thing I would suggest you review is the line, “Only the tempting call of asseveration.” I’m not sure, but I think the use of the word asseveration. I think it sounds too cerebral for this piece. My personal opinion is it detracts from the depth of the incredible experience you are creating.
Needs more punctuation to make it more effective.
Beautiful! I had never t hough of the end of life like that, but I think you desribed it very well. I really, really like this peice. Good talent, good just of words, and excellent imagery!
Hello.
I have a problem with this poem as i found it confusing.
In the second two lines of your first stanza you write; ‘we seem to anticipate’ but you do not throughout the rest of the poem explain ‘we’ are. I think that would be interesting to add as it would bring the audience more understanding of your message.
The next two stanzas are generally ok except they don’t add anything particular, more they keep the same tone, empty corridors, no sadness or story to tell. This grammatically semantic field creates the same feeling and tone which can be done with less words. By removing part of this section you may find the poem becomes more dynamic.
The fourth stanza can also be improved too. The content is good and completes the story you are telling. However your grammar is incorrect as in the second two lines you write;
‘And the soul dances within the circle of seven
Beautiful tears touch the earth as soft rain’.
I think this would work better as;
And the soul dances within the circle of seven
beautiful tears, touching the earth, soft as rain.
The punctuation adds a little texture to the ending of the poem and mends the mistake.
I hope this is useful.
I liked this very much, mystical, touching. Makes you think.
First Verse: Why do you not use punctuation? I thinhk that although poetry is supposed to br free, punctuation helps the reader help understand in what context you are speaking. The images you used here are a little overcooked and i think that you could come up with better, more unique images.
Second Verse: You really stepped it up in this verse I think. The opening image you use is fantastic, and I wish that you could apply this quality to you first verse. Alot of the time, peoples writing improves once they have written for a few minutes and are in a creative place, so my suggestion to you is to write for a while and then rewrite any less-that-this-verse imagery. Here also punctuation is necessary in various places.
Third Verse: Here the imagery does not fade fully but is dulled a little. some that you use, such as a sould heavy shell are very good, but the second and third lines could use some spiffing up.
Fourth Verse: The second ‘as’ (which in the last line) in unecessary, and if you put a comma at the end of the third line, this verse would make much more sense. This ending is subtle yet satisfyling. Perhaps you should play around with a bigger more flashy ending and see how that turns out.
Overall: this piece was a rollercoaster to me. It makes no sense to the reader, which is okay because you use alot of good imagery in which one can get lost in. On the other hand, some of your imagery is borderline cliche and has room for improvement. your lack of punctuation worries me because punctuation is a tool of communication that is very helpful. Many see it as a binding mechanism within writing and therefore negates poetry, but i see it quite in the opposite light. I think that you are talented and have potential. keep writing.
“Many shadows dance aimlessly toward it’s demise” it’s should be its. Does ‘it’ refer to the old weary soul? While beautiful, this line is confusing. Do the shadows dance around the soul? How could something move aimlessly toward something?
“So it creeps in, this thing called destiny” Another beautifully written line which can yield much more. There are only two strong words here—creeps and destiny. Throw away the rest of the line and choose stronger language to make this a powerful image.
“As now the soul is lifted from it’s heavy shell” Also has a lot of extra little words that add little. ‘As bright soul is lifted from heavy dark shell’ would be my suggestion, although bright might not be the word you’d choose, since you write of an old, weary soul. ‘A ragged soul lifted from heavy dark shell’ perhaps.
Ending is bright and hopeful. As long as we breath, we have hope.
You have a strong voice and a beautiful imagination. I’ll certainly add you to my favorites list.
you have an excellent vocabulary first off and i really thorooughly enjoyed this poem though in the beginning i had no idea what you were writing about. i think though the way that your topic is presented is very interesting! i would never expect a poem about passing on to be so positive and light…although there is a touch of darkness to certain points of this poem however i think that the imagery was perfect but i did have one thing that i wondered what is the circle of seven and its significance or role in this dance of the soul? i thnk the mystery may be fine for a reader but you will defintely have alot of people sitting back and wondering what the circle of seven is.
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