Thanks for the review.
hmm… just because he is dead, doesnt mean that he doesnt know what is happening…???
Horror / 4 A.M.
Its four a.m. and my hands won’t stop shaking. I don’t know if it’s the whiskey or the fact that I’m holding a loaded gun to my head. Who knew suicide could be so nerve-racking? When you decide to end it all, shouldn’t that should be the end of your problems? For me, it was just the beginning. In a world where I didn’t have control over anything this would be my final attempt to prove that I am calling the shots now.
B A N G B A N G
I fired one shot at the bottle of whiskey for one last laugh. I fired the other bullet into my head. The prostitute I have been fucking every Wednesday since last Christmas found my body. That’s the way I planned it. I left a hundred dollar bill for her on the nightstand. She slipped it into her pocket before she even phoned the police. It was Wednesday after all and I knew she was counting on the money. Addictions are expensive. It never bothered me that she had track marks running down her arms because she had a pretty mouth.
It took the police fifteen minutes to arrive. They immediately classified the case as a suicide. They didn’t ask any questions. They didn’t even look for a note. This was after all Los Angeles; they had better things to do that day.
My funeral was four days later. I didn’t have many friends left. I am good at burning bridges. Roxy was there. That is her name if I forgot to mention it. Roxy was standing in her mini-skirt and red jacket, smoking a cigarette with her black cherry curls combing her shoulders. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The other few people that where in attendance really aren’t of any importance. My neighbors, the guy that works at the liqueur store and Goergy the homeless guy I would often share a bottle of whiskey with at the beach. I never could really understand what Goergy was saying but I liked it that way. Most of what people have to say is shit anyways.
I spent most of my life living in the shadow, going unnoticed and without many friends. I was adopted at the age of two by a loving family who sadly could not have children. I grew up feeling like an outsider in someone else’s home. One week after I turned eighteen I packed up everything I owned and left Pittsburg for Los Angeles and I never looked back. I didn’t know what I was running from, only where I was going. I don’t know why I choose Los Angeles but once I made up my mind I was determined to start a new life there. Far away from Pittsburgh, far away from everyone and everything I had ever done. Far away from myself. In a place where nobody knew who I was, I could be anyone I wanted to be.
I threw out my old way old thinking and created a new one. I started to think about how I could really change the way people would view me. I no longer wanted to be a pushover. I no longer wanted to have an opinion that nobody cared about. So I started devising a plan.
I spent sixteen days going over different scenarios in my mind until finally everything started to make sense. Sixteen days isolated from the world. Sixteen days alone in my dingy Los Angeles apartment. Not one trip to the liqueur store, honest. At the end of this period I finally open the door and stepped outside into civilization. Nothing looked the same. Nobody looked the same. Before when I looked out into crowds of people, I saw people that were superior and perfectly put together. Now I saw people that were average and boring. I knew something that everyone else didn’t know. Fashion, manicures, waxing, salons none of that stuff mattered. That is what a woman is made of in Los Angeles. That is what the men here are busy chasing. A creatively put together and packaged Barbie doll.
Two days later I met Roxy. I never would admit this but she was the love of my life. I admired her. She too found a way to escape from the systematic way of living. The things that were important to her were not the things typically important to a woman and I liked that. Though some people would consider drug addiction unacceptable and unhealthy, I saw it as Roxy’s personal choice to free herself from a world she didn’t want to be a part of. After all I was about to do the same thing.
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Auran reviewed Version 1 -
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This 697 word review has not been unlocked.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a start… a decent one. I see it going one of three ways
1) You remain stuck and throw it in the bin (never a good thing)
2) You find inspiration and finish a decent short story (that’s great)
OR
3) You find inspiration and develop it into a slightly longer story.
This would be the option that really would be the best for me. There is a platform set here. A plan has been devised after 16 days of thought. It’s going to have to be one KILLER plan!!! If you can expand and build onto what, I believe, is a solid base, a solid story could come out of it.
Let me know when it’s done. I’ll get stuck into it
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Static reviewed Version 1 -
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Again, like your other pieces, this piece definately has potential. Despite the mistakes and difficulties of the story, I found myself genuinely interested about the characters by the end of the story. As per your Reviewer Notes, I’ll avoid leaving an array of grammatical fixer-ups like I did in my review of People are Disposable.
Instead, I think I should mention that the narrative voice of the story is a little bit confusing at the point of transition from the present/future to the past. The character speaks as though they’re still alive or, as another reviewer puts it, writing from the grave. To fix this, I’d probably make the section where the character kills himself a completely seperate section to the rest of the piece. Originally I thought that this is what you were doing with the “BANG BANG” part, but then the story went back to the suicide scene and ran off from that into the rest of the story without a clear break. This really makes the narrative voice confusing and you should definately consider revising it.
Other than that and the errors I wont mention, great piece!
Aura reviewed Version 1 -
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Makes hard reading but the story is good. Do you mention his real parents? I guess he wrote this from Spirit :)
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there! only one item i noticed, ’ Now I saw people that were average and boring.’ I personaly would remove the word ‘now’. I would flow better nad make more sense. Your writing style is refreshing. It’s so easy to read, the flow is excellent. I liked the format you chose to write in. It made the story flow well. Maybe add a bit as to what else made you hate (dislike) your home life. Possibly how you found out you were an adopted foster child. Please keep writing, i so look forward to more from you… me…
LA_Alirie reviewed Version 1 -
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I read this a few days ago, and let me tell you it was a wonderful story.
I want to be helpful, and not just fawn over it because I have you added as a friend, but it really is a good story. Just to feel useful I gotta say:
“Fashion, manicures, waxing, ect.” that whole sentence doesn’t seem to flow with the rest of the story. Just wanna say that, perhaps it’s my imagination, but it confuses me. Actually, everything confuses me but still.
Oops I must leave but anyway good story.
hehe grin.
byby
musicislife reviewed Version 1 -
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The intro paragraph is so captivating… seriously, it catches your attention and makes you want to read more.
The last sentence of the last paragraph left me hanging, which is good, once again, it makes people want to read more.
your paragraphs seem to move quickly, from event to event. Captivating, but having no meaning. Well, they have meaning, but not enough to make an impact on your story.
I don’t exactly know where you’re going with this, but as a suggestion, start out with the suicide and then the funeral, then have a flashback and start explaining the things that had happened. Put more details into that and make it your story until you commit suicide. That would be a good basis for the plot for your story.
You definetly seem to be good at the catching people’s attention thing. So good job, and i can’t wait to see where this goes.
shanzturn reviewed Version 1 -
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LOVE this…. You have to continue it, i want to see more, lol.
the one thing i would suggest, read through and check all past present tense usage.. I think that may be the only thing i can come up with… Odd for me huh?
I love the way it start’s out, I was surprised with him committing the act, as the start of a story it is very original, again.. LOVE it
MrBrooks reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha! i love the bluntness of the whole situation. the simple diction is perfect. and i like the way you described roxy. when continuing this story i suggest you focus a bunch on roxy. shes one of those background characters that make a story ten times better. ”I fired one shot at the bottle of whiskey for one last laugh. I fired the other bullet into my head.” this is a perfect example of good writing. it threw me off guard and from that moment on i was hooked to your story.
cant wait for more.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really a dark, depressing story. I imagine this is the feeling you want to convey to the reader. It’s clear since I understand that this is about an individual who’s looking back at his life as he kills himself. I felt that it would make more sense that he’d have the flashbacks before he pulls the trigger.
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