Oh man…it’s just poetic expression, not psychology, something like abstract artwork-for you, for me…a good place, peace, quiet, the little boat just out of reach.
Valuable insight.
Thanks
Poetry / The Valley of the Shadow of Death (Analysis)
The Valley of the Shadow of Death
The valley is heavily shadowed by fog and mist today
Shadows dance in the distance as I walk that way
I am not afraid, I fear not what has become part of me
For what lurks in the shadow is only for me to see
It is the valley of the shadow of death
Never had I known what the screaming voices say
Until I took the first step into the valley that day
Calling my destiny, a choice I had not
When the valley was cool, the world I was running from steamy hot
It is the valley of the shadow of death
There are no friends here, this population only foe
Cause in the valley this is the way things go-you know?
A ghost in the fog, I am this way, so sad
As shadows grasp at my soul taking every dream I ever had
It is the valley of the shadow of death
When I reach the other side, my nails scratch soft skin
Nothing to grasp onto I fall back in the valley again
Growing weary and tired, I try not to give up
But sometimes in the valley, enough is too much
It is the valley of the shadow of death
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Mozart reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
I would like to start by saying that with this you have a nice descriptive premise. However I did have a few problems when I read it when it comes to rhythm and vocab.
I feel that you slightly over use commas which affects the flow, making a couple of the stanzas feel a little stacato.
“Calling my destiny, a choice I had not
When the valley was cool, the world I was running from steamy hot”
This particular couplet stick out like a dogs proverbials, in that it seems so forced into the rhyme scheme.
I also felt at times that a classy alternative to the rhyming couplet format (which is perfectly fine!) might have been the odd line run-over to break the constant expectancy that builds up in the reader.
Well done nevertheless,
Rob
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joonthespoon reviewed Version 1 -
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i think you’d be better off ditching the rhyme. there are clear instances where your rhyme scheme is dictating the images of the poem. for exmple, the “you know?” in the 2nd stanza, the inverted syntax in a few sentences, and some grammar mistakes (the use of “foe” is awkward). also, your meter becomes very awkward at times—very distracting—because you are trying to complete your rhyme. so let it go, and just express yourself without restriction. the rhyme here serves no purpose.
your images are pretty vague as well. you’d be better off telling me what it is exactly that “has become a part” of you and what it is that “lurks”. another thing that trips me up is the repeated last line of each stanza. It is the valley of the shadow of death. when you say that “it” is something, i’m assuming that the preceding lines of the stanza is the valley. yet in the stanzas, the speaker is mainly talking about his own actions. the equation doesn’t work.
my suggestion would be to go back and ask yourself what it is specifically that you see and feel regarding the valley of the shadow of death. why do you keep bringing up the valley? there’s obviously some events in the speaker’s mind that makes him/her want to externalize using this metaphor. what has taken the speaker’s dream’s away?
Mika_Ilya reviewed Version 1 -
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I suggest that you not try to rhyme so often because then it seems overworked, just make it flow a little better.
The 3rd stanza seems to be different than all the others, it feels like you added that one in at the last minute because the 2nd and 4th stanza didn’t connect well enough by themselves. Might want to work on that one a little more or somehow make the 2nd and 4th stanza connect better.
And lastly this line, “When the valley was cool, the world I was running from steamy hot,” doesn’t read well. Maybe you could switch it to something like,”When the valley was cool, the world I was running from grew steamy hot,” or “When the valley was cool, the world I was running from was steamy hot,”. Personally I like the first option best. ;)
All in all though, this is a pretty good piece. It definately gave me goosebumps thinking of that possibility.
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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I interpret this writing as the darker musing of the conscience. And one cannot escape oneself. Very nicely written and I enjoyed the rhthym, imagery, and refrain. Here’s a suggestion.
Cause in the valley this is the way things go-you know? Question mark at the end makes this confusing. Either reword to sound like a question or delete.
Cestlavive reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the repetition of “it is the valley of the shadow of death” it gives an eeries sense of someone screaming it louder and louder.
Over all a very good poem, especially with the Halloween season.
ReneagoesRAWR reviewed Version 1 -
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This is great!(: I cannot express how much I love repetition of certain phrases in areas of a poem. As I read, I pictured what was happening, and that is true poetry. Such distinct characteristics are so wonderful in a poem. I enjoyed this very much.
SinnerASaint reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a fantastic poem but there are a few things that may have been done differently. For one, it seems as if you tried too hard to force the ABAB rhyme scheme;it may have been better as a free-verse poem. I enjoyed the use of anaphora with “It is the valley of the shadow of death”. I also believe that you may have used some creative imagery but it could have been elaborated more. Other than that I loved it. Good job.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 1 -
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This poetry is truly beautiful in a very sad way, I can identify with it immedietly. Your use of imagry is truly astonishing.
The only thing I can critique you on is
It is the valley… I suggest breaking this sentence up with a comma – it is, ...
Thank you very much…
TinaR2684 reviewed Version 1 -
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Perfect for Halloween time.
In seriousness, This piece is dark and heavy and you can feel it. The last line of every stanza repeated reminds you of where you are in this picture. Don’t think I noticed any grammar issues nor spelling issues. As far as I can see this was written constructively. The five lines in each stanza along with the ‘It is the valley of the shadow of death’ line in each stanza shows that you have been able to create a poem in imagery within constraints. Also, as I read this piece, I got the feeling of things happening in slow motion a bit. Well done.
Only thing is maybe a missing comma here:
‘Nothing to grasp onto I fall back in the valley again’
after onto?
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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V1 – shadow is used 4 times in this verse so it dilutes the end phrase echo you are trying to establish. I would suggest whipping out the thesaurus and digging into your stellar gray matter for those ‘gloaming’ words that paint ‘umbrage’ to your verse and give it more weight/oomph.
v2 – first line is past tense until we land on ‘say’ – I believe we have sacrificed structure for form. My suggestion only, but I bet if you were willing to let go of the end rhyme scheme this poem would really take wing.
V3 – I am beginning to get confused, is this valley real or a metaphorical imagining? Where am I exactly? Population – consider ‘populace’ I think it would sound better. So sad ;-( again I feel like what you really want to say is being hampered by the rhyme scheme…break free sadpoet, break free…trust me it will find its own internal rhythm.
V4 – again where am I if I am scratching soft skin?
I feel if this is trying to be metaphorical we need firmer imagery that taps into all the senses and gives the reader a grounding. The valley of the shadow of death is very biblical and although this doesn’t need to be most readers will go into it with that bias so you either need to transcend that or play into it kinda like yea though I walked I still feared and got f’d sort of thing.
Thanks for the read and I hope some of my insight is useful
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