Poetry / Chlorine (Analysis)

The first part has me visualizing as I read. The vomit line threw me for a loop. Nice depiction of contradicting relationship values regarding men and women.

I love it! You have a really neat way of organizing the lines – it reminds me of a few books I’ve read that were written like this. I also really liked the rhymes. Great work!

I liked the meaning of this poem; however, the structure of it is hard to read.

I like the set up of the words, their placement, which breaks up monotony and sets the rhythm as well.  I don’t know what chlorine has to do with this poem, but maybe I’ve missed the point.  Chlorine is a poison, a gas, and also used in swimming pools to kill germs.  So I’m thinking there are some pollutants to be killed, or memories, or people.  I have missed the point I’m afraid.  

it says do your worst. After reading this all i can say is that i can tell you have a creative way with words but im not sure i could clearly see what you want a reader to grasp. It left me feeling a little confused.

It is very nice how you lay out an intangible “memory” with the tangible components which make it up; senses!  I don’t like the layout on the page, it is not asthetic to the eye.
Your use of descriptive words is light and airy, twisted but recognizable, as here:
the salty sweet first spilled

all swirling and wafting
like so many petals
        of a disagreeable flower
                        (he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not)

I felt a struggle of change within this poem; someone on a mission and I related to it only because of the way it was written and kudos to you for drawin me in, that is a difficult task.
Your definitions of strong, sweet, and bitter make good use and are appropriate.
Delicate ending but I lost where the twins came into it.
Thank you for this wonderful opportunity!
  

Hello, I don’t want to be harsh but consider my review as being honest.
1. The river of memory – cliche – one of the key things in writing poetry is to avoid cliche and what is called the “echo”. For instance, you may read a particular poet and then his phraseology or even exact words or style (in a broad sense) creeps into one’s own writing. It is good if one can identify the cliches and echoes and work around them.
2. I like the negative way you approach the “river” that it does not flow in “sights” or “sounds”. It is interesting that you work with the olfactory and that you are also familiar with the visual and aural. I like the way you have arrived at certain images of the visual,the aural and the olfactory – patchwork quilt of denim and skin (beautiful), musique concrete of cries and groans (a bit stretched?), the musk of a lover’s breath (beautiful), the “salty sweet first spilled …like so many petals of a disagreeable flower” (excellent).
3. In this section: climbing hills
descending valleys
        always present
        always silent
        always rising

marching across continents
a children’s crusade
to

where i am:
Can you clarify the subject? What or who is descending and marching?
4. Not are so many: Is this grammatically correct? Isn’t it “where I am are not so many …lilacs, whiskey, sweat, blood, fears….”?
5. What more do I have to say? The whole poem falls very well together. I love it and I am sure so will others. Keep writing. You have the magic and hope I can see more of your work.

i’m  impressed – this poem works
but docks just for rhyme with cross doesn’t
i like the structure of sights sounds smells
and how the poem meanders off from that later to come back to it
could it be broken into sections?