...Technically, the story is written from a teenager’s POV – by this piece, however, you’d never know it. The main character is a vampire who was turned when she was seventeen. So in mind and body, she is 17 – although she’s been around for one hundred fifty years or so . . . :) Thanks for the review.
Young Adult / Winterhaven - Arrival
My first glimpses of Winterhaven were distorted images viewed through the foggy, rain-soaked windows of my car. The sky was a heavy gray and dumped sheets of rain toward the earth. I generally enjoyed such dismal weather, but I despised driving through it. The windshield wipers couldn’t move water quickly enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car, causing me to grip the steering wheel with excessive force, and my tires proved to be in serious need of replacement as they slid along the pavement.
Between the rhythmic flicking of the wiper blades and never ending buckets of rain that were now coming down at a harsh angle, I could made out rolling green hills and sprawling farms. Eventually a small town emerged from the countryside; a sign welcomed me to Winterhaven, California, also informing me of its high altitude and 592-person populace. I half expected the mayor or a town official to pop out from behind the aging sign to update its sad population count as I entered. It was a horribly quiet, pathetic little town so far and was sure to be full of pathetic little humans, but I could not deny Winterhaven its beauty.
In the heart of downtown, the city was picture-perfect and quaint, and looked as if it belonged in a Rockwell painting or in an issue of Country Living magazine. A handful of businesses, the local physician, who presumably served everyone within fifty miles; a supermarket, bank, and a few small shops stood next to one another, all housed in matching faded brick or stone buildings.
After only a couple of minutes I had passed through the entire town, but it took another hour on the narrow country roads before I finally arrived at my new home.
Like most of the houses I had seen along the way, this one was tall, white, and nestled on acres of ranch land. I settled my car in front of a small two-car garage and groped for my keys. Opening the car door left me subject to the cold, angry downpour, but before even a drop had the opportunity to dampen my hair, I was standing on the covered, wrap-around porch, key turned into the deadbolt. I let myself into the house and locked the door behind me. Everett and Jillian would not be joining me for a couple of days still, and as far as I was concerned, no one else was welcome.
I wandered through the house aimlessly, opening doors, turning on lights, and peering into rooms. After making my way through the entire house, I doubled back and dragged a large tote through a doorway, claiming the bedroom as my own. Many of the other spaces had wallpaper or were painted bright, airy colors. This one had been left unmarked, with perfect boring white walls. It was just right for me – no disgusting, flowery human decor or personal touches left my the previous owner.
Had Davey been with me, he would be racing through the house; going up and down the staircase at an unsettling speed, poking his head into everything from windows to cupboards, and enjoying every moment of it. Our father had constantly been pulling back on Davey’s reigns, telling him to slow down and take his time in life.
I was glad for David that he never listened. At least he had enjoyed the ten years of life he had before having it stolen away from him.
Forcing memories, and the guilt, from my mind, I put away the few items I had brought into the house and settled myself onto a bed that had been brought to Winterhaven weeks prior. Though I was not tired I leaned against the headboard, the drumming of rain on the roof comforting me, eventually willing my eyes heavy and they slowly closed as I fell to sleep.
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rck419 reviewed Version 1 -
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The windshield wipers couldn’t move water quickly enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car, causing me to grip the steering wheel with excessive force, and my tires proved to be in serious need of replacement as they slid along the pavement.
-This seems to be somewhat of a run on. I would separate it into two sentences, with a period after storm. You detail things well, although I wonder how the character noticed rolling green hills and sprawling farms in a rain storm. Nothing looks that appealing in a rain storm.
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Roger reviewed Version 1 -
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You have talent, don’t waste it . I should have started writing when I was younger, but I thought I wanted to be an engineer. It is almost impossible to find legitimate assistance in publishing your work, but there are plenty of people willing to steal it. Good Luck
HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it’s a bit funny that you write a novel/story for young adults with an adult as the main character. Other than that, I liked this piece of writing!
You give a nice description of the town here! I can also relate to the things you write about driving a car through a rain storm (well, as a passenger)!
”..but I could not deny Winterhaven its beauty.”
I think I would cut that paragraph after that line, because it seems like a perfect place to end it.
There’s not much happening here, so there’s not much I can say either. I think what you’ve written is very realistic. I can clearly relate to it! I still think it’s funny, though, that you write a story for young adults from an adults perspective.
AlexMadlinger reviewed Version 1 -
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The windshield wipers couldn’t move water quickly enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car,
Change that first comma to a semicolon. “storm; strong winds pushed…”
and never ending buckets of rain that were now coming down at a harsh angle
Here, you need to make “never ending” “never-ending.” It’s a compound adjective.
This one had been left unmarked, with perfect boring white walls. It was just right for me – no disgusting, flowery human decor or personal touches left my the previous owner.
Ok, I like this, it gives a good impression of his character. Two quick things—”perfect boring walls.” Make it “perfectly boring walls.” That way it’s an adverb. Second, “flowery HUMAN decor”... What the mess? Is he… not human? There are some other things that clued me in to this idea. Now, if he is a normal human, change that quickly. If he is an alien or something unusual, very nice. Very nice indeed. Little things that the reader might miss.
I liked it alot. Good job. XD
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m now starting to understand what is going on now. I think that you’d be a good example for me to follow when i’m writing. I don’t use so much imagery like you do. You can almost picture the town and the house as you read it.
TnD reviewed Version 1 -
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-“I half expected…” => Excellent imagery here. I think we’ve had that experience at one time or another.
-The descriptions and emotion could be felt throughout the story. The small-town feel is exactly as you described it, I could almost see a miniature Mayberry in Winterhaven.
-I do wonder about David, though. Is he dead or just not at the house yet? The impression that I get, is that it could go either way.
-Excellent job with this. Thanks for sharing!
flyawaywitmexo9 reviewed Version 1 -
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the second line…u put “The sky was a heavy gray and dumped sheets of rain toward the earth” it would sound better with…the heavy grey sky dumped sheet of rain down upon the earth.
who is Everett and Jillian?? don’t just put names withtout describing what happened.
I know davey is your brother but u might want to answer that instead of making us guess.
and i know you said that this will just be part of your book which is great..but btw theres no action here so it a little boring. but the writing style and word choice was really good. keep working on it <3
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