Poetry / Perception Point

Its a sweet sad sound
that bubbles up
seepingly from under my skin
and leaves a shiny netting
on the ground.

Its the lens cap on my minds eye.
flash
flash
flash…
no picture, why try?

Its an eternally working wheel
and i am the rodent.
Its a glass jar with no air holes; i am the fly.
Its everything that i ever and never knew.
Its everythign that is real

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June 07, 2008

libby

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
123	84.5% (71 votes)	9.1%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20			October 06

libby reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Remove every instance of the word “its”. This is the only thing that’s standing between you showing us the images and you telling us the images. Also, with so many its, I’m wondering just what “it” is. I’d revise the first stanza like this…

A sweet sad sound
bubbles up
seeping from under my skin,
leaving a shiny netting
on the ground.

You have lots of little filler words you don’t need, best to remove them. And you’re right, you do need something to connect these images. Maybe try relating them back to yourself? It looks like you’re trying to do that with the last two lines, but they’re really too abstract and in their reach for deeper meaning, don’t really mean anything. Relate it to you, but give it something visceral.

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June 06, 2008

avkoshy

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
169	47.4% (78 votes)	40.5%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	M	India	October 30

avkoshy reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

changes needed- it’s – use the apostrophe everywhere it’s needed
seeping would do – no need for seepingly
mind’s – use the apostrophe
last line – just say “It’s everything real.”
coorect spelling of everything and also edit the line

if you make these changes it’s a lovely little poem….