Sci Fi & Fantasy / Haunted Playhouse in Olde City (Prologue)

I liked the theme of the story. It has a few grammatical errors here and there.

Good work and hope you are working on your 2 chapter.

Here are your request; hopefully you won’t regret it, LOL.

Alex loved being stage manager.
  
She had always loved the theater.

Repetition, but also telling. You don’t need to state Alex loves anything. Show how she does. You did start doing so in the sentences following these examples where you described why she loved being these things. I think you can go a bit further and show perhaps how good she is at her job, have her perform a typical task that shows her going above and beyond duty. Also, her love of the theater can be shown by a simple flashback maybe like:

Her mother had taken her many times to school shows; the theater owner would let the students at the local schools stage their plays on Sunday afternoons. Even years later she could smell perfumed air and feel rush of excitement as she walked through the aisles. The theater was an old friend.

Something like that. Show how she loves it and develop her character through these details.  

Flipping off switches, she worked her way around the back of the stage ending up on the right side where she could see the house.

Instead try:

She worked her way around backstage, flipping off switches and ending up on the…

OR

She flipped off switches and worked her way around backstage where she ended up on the…

Try not to begin any sentence with an ‘ing’ verb. It steals the action of the subject and lessens its importance. It’s also a sloppy style according to many editing books (the ones I’ve read anyway) It may be proper grammar, but it can be a sign of a beginning writer.

The humming was creepy, and I would suggest to tighten up the tension there with some pacing and more details. Remember the five senses, and don’t rely only on sight and sound. Smells and touch have their place too. Hauntings sometimes carry a scent.

It’s a good premise and it’s interesting enough to keep the reader involved. Good work :)

M

When you write a line like “the theater was haunted” it gives the reader the feeling that this is more of a “goosebumps” style story than a seriously horrific one.  I’d leave that line out, and introduce the haunting with a scary moment rather than a straight-forward statement.  Something along the lines of: “She felt cold fingers running down her back.  She turned, although she didn’t expect to see anything, and her expectation was not disappointed.  She suppressed a scream and tried to convince herself that she had only felt a nervous chill, and not a disembodied hand caressing her sensually.  It had taken her a long time working at the theater to learn not to scream when things like this happened, as inevitably they did.”

I think that this is pretty good.  You had me hooked and interested by the end.  I did feel that the action was slightly delayed.  When the lights turn themselves off, I braced myself for some action to happen.  Instead, I had to read through a couple more paragraphs of explanation before the story got moving again.

I really liked the last paragraph.  I could picture the innocence of an invisible, older man humming while he walked a girl to the door and then opened it for her.  I could also feel the anxiety of Alex as she tried to convince herself that no one was there but deep down knowing that they really were there and not knowing whether they were good or bad. It is a really good start that left me wondering what would happen next.

Well, I would have to say that if you know that grammar and spelling are a problem then you definitely work on it instead of just brushing it aside.  It is very important to polish a piece as much as possible.  If you submitted it to an editor with blaring spelling and grammatical errors they would not overlook it, and whether the story was good or not, they would not accept it.

But since you don’t want that I won’t go into, but definitely keep it in mind.  Overall, I liked the story.  The pacing of it is well done.  You don’t rush into the action.  You let it build slowly.  With scary/creepy stories, pacing can be half the battle most of the time.

One thing I noticed is that you started a few sentences with “It was..”.  This tends to read very weak. Example:

“It was her job as stage manager to insure everything was under lock and key every day.”

It is a very ambiguous way to begin a sentence, but it is an easy fix that will make your writing a lot stronger.  Just do something like this instead:

“Her job as stage manager was to “e”nsure that everything…..”

Simple, but it makes a huge difference, trust me.  One reason this makes writing stronger is that it eliminates unnecessary words. There are A few places in your last paragraph where you can eliminate unnecessary words.

“She felt cold perspiration break out all over her body.”

“Cold perspiration broke out….”

“She finished heading up the center aisle, aiming for the door in the far left corner.”

A bit awkward try:

“She contiued up the center aisle and headed for the door in….”

“Before she could reach for the bar to push the door open it sprang forward by itself.”

Try:

“As she reach for the bar to push the door open, it sprang open.”

Just a few tips.  Hope they help.  Keep working at it.

This second version reads much better. I have a real feeling for your central character and am interested in what happens to her. I think that’s because there is more back story and I understand what motivates her more.

The explanation about how her mood lifts is also much better, it explains the change and gives us some more back story at the same time. Well done, a very neat way of improving it.

I want to know what happens next, which suggests that you have crated a believable world and characters who emotionally engage. Good luck with it and well done.

I really enjoyed this, It is a good prolouge and entices readers even further.
I really don’t see many grammar mistakes, I might just have untrained eyes.
In the last paragraph I would like to see some more emotion. I didn’t feel what she felt, and that’s what a books all about right?
So sorry if this wasn’t helpful…I’m new to this.
Good luck on your story^^

Great opening, grabs the reader and a strong voice but when read aloud I think the two separate sentences might scan better as one -
‘She didn’t consider herself a person who scared easily; if anything she thought she was very brave, thank you very much.’

If the idea develops this may shape up rather nicely into a good fantasy story, however the following sections need attention.

Page 1 line 11 – angry not angrey.

Last para page 1 – ‘Most agreed the ghosts they shared their work space with were harmless’ This is a very over constructed sentence. What about – Most agreed the ghost who shared their workspace…’

The combination here is problematic. ‘Her thought were brightened considerably she didn’t even realise she had started to hum. But she did notice when another voice joined her own. She stoped weaving her way through the seats as she stoped humming. The smokey male baritone that had joined her soprano however did not.’

The first sentence doesn’t make sense and why would her thoughts suddenly brighten, there’s no explanation for it and you are expecting too much of your reader if you just want them to take your word for it. The second sentence has several spelling mistakes and two ‘stopped’ in quick succession, which is one too many. The third sentence has a spelling mistake.

I hope this helps.

There is a lot of potential here. I see what you are trying to accomplish with this piece and if you elaborate more on emotions you will get the qualities you want. You flit very quickly from information to ‘emotion’/action parts of the story, and this makes it less appealing to read.

However, the flow can be improved. Think of what you have written as a skeleton. Build on what you have; elaborate. Tell more about the history of the playhouse, perhaps, or build on the details of the surroundings. Build up Alex’s anxiety about the spirit following her

Oh dear, I do wish folk would spell check and proof read before posting.It makes all the difference in a good read or a mediocre read to a struggle read. Because our minds always do a double take at the errors. Hence the flow is interupted. Anyway…..

The flow of this piece was ok. You presented Alex as being serious about her position as Stage Manager, yet she seemed fairly complacent about the fact that the theatre was haunted. Goosebumps notwithstanding. Your subtle introduction of the male tenor humming with her gave it enough meat (hook) to want to keep reading.

Content: Depending on the novel, I would have thought 534 words a bit short for a prologue. A couple of pages at least. Maybe you could tell of the play they are rehearsing for, what type of audience is common to that place. Is it a second rate theatre? I think you could bait the reader more. Hooks get readers gagging for the book.

What’s next?

Hope to have helped. Thanks.