Second review along the same lines. Gonna try and
describe the crowd a bit more.
Thanks for the review.
Humor/Satire / The Immigration Office
The look of 30 or so anxious faces surround me as I thread my way to my best guess at the appropriate government official. Behind the counter and a superfluous line of Plexiglas I am disappointed to see the collected countenances of several overworked, under-bribed individuals. Their feelings on the general idea of being sentient for this particular public service seem to reflect ours, only the complete opposite – angry, annoyed, and angry. Their shoulders are crested with various shades of military decorations, which, I can only assume, are medals given out in recognition of exemplary service in the immigration office.
Clearly the higher ups have abandoned this practice for lack of merit on the part of the employees.
I spy another foreigner across the sea of bobbing heads and wonder if she is making out any better than I am. She’s standing underneath a public announcement typed on a piece of printing paper, apparently denoting a specific function of that particular cue. As I utilize this information, I promise myself to study Arabic well enough to be able to read the same sign next time I’m thrust into this place.
I cozy up to the foreigner and realize she’s speaking Arabic more or less fluently. Her French passport disappoints me – of the seven French people I’ve met so far, only one could speak a lick of English and none of them wanted to speak with me.
I diligently wait my turn, practicing my most agreeable way of forking my passport over to an ambivalent officer. I wonder if the wall on the far right is in any way being compromised by the 7 foot high stacks of government documents snuggled against it. Before I turn my head again to stare uncomprehendingly at the other three papers hanging above their respective public servants, I’m stealthily set back in line by 3 people. I marvel at another cultural difference – the ‘no cuts’ understanding, one of the most stringent unwritten rules in America, is known by most adolescents not long after the age of 9. Maybe this Western maxim exists here, but, like deodorant, is simply discarded as a waste of time.
Suddenly, a man confronts me and begins speaking. All I understand is: “……or……or……?” I assume he’s asking a question, decide to hedge my bets, and gesture towards the first, second and third windows. He nods and moves on.
A short, shrill disagreement erupts before two people storm away from the unapologetic official heading my queue, leaving me happily but guardedly standing one person away from my destination. I’m able to peer through the glass and take in the havoc-ridden workplace of the guy who will decide whether or not I can stay in the country for another 2 months. This man encounters his patrons by entering their personal information into a computer, never making eye contact with anything but MSDOS and a cigarette. His elderly keyboard looks like the forearm of a hard-working mechanic after 11 hours spent under several vehicles.
I ready my passport and application, hoping he won’t notice the fact that I didn’t fill out a good portion of the French/English application. Practicing a broken sentence seemed like a good idea until, upon the exit of the last person in front me, I was left quivering a pace or two away from the indignant gatekeeper. Pressure has the effect of a pause button on my ability to communicate in outlandish syllables; however, when I finally get the composure to resume speaking, I begin skipping quietly like an abused CD. The man glances up, surprised no one has accosted him yet. His look suggests that he can wait as long as it takes for 5 o’clock to roll around.
I resort to pure body language and Arabic about as broken as a Guantanamo Bay inmate with steaming electrodes on his testicles.
He begins speaking and I begin nodding in complete insincerity. Thankfully, he uses numbers and a few remedial words I understand. Following is a summary of my instructions:
“First,…..outside……………….”
“Second,………third floor……….outside………… [stamping gesture]”
“Third,………passport………..upstairs……….[stamping gesture]”
“Fourth,………second floor………………………………….[gestural question mark, to which I nod furiously]
“Fifth, passport………..[gesture indicating himself]…………tomorrow…………”
I wander away, glassy eyed and not a little whitened. In a flash of realization, I finally understand why my hallowed ‘no cuts’ policy is so practical in a place like the immigration office.
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ValCapone reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, your writing isn’t bad. It describes a specific place and some events. Unfortunately, it’s not compelling because it doesn’t get to the point, which is the HUMOUR. What’s funny about this situation? The fact that the narrator doesn’t speak the language? Play this up by involving him or her in more speaking scenarios. We don’t really know where this person is (i.e. which country), so it’s hard to understand why s/he is there to begin with. Explain a bit more so we can get a better picture.
Since this was categorized as a humour piece, you really have to bring this element out. Currently, it’s non-existent. I like the image of the dirty keyboard you have on page 2, but that’s the only thing that really stands out. Give us more amusing descriptions, some funny commentary. This isn’t even satire, it’s just straight-up factual description. Real life can certainly be funny, but you need to parody it, play with it more. Why is this situation MEANT to be funny? Give us more meat.
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learnedhand reviewed Version 1 -
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Good writing. And for what it is, it’s a damn good read. I kind of got bored however, as the funny observations seem to be endless. Not a bad thing, but for “writing” per say, it started feeling like a Seinfeld bit. The line that stuck out as odd was the Guantonimo line – it was funny, but seemed out of place for the tone already set. This seemed smarter than electicuted balls sacks. Maybe it’s part of something bigger, funnier, more meaningful. Who knows. Enjoyed it none the less.
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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”...thread my way to my best guess…” This is confusing. I reread it and still don’t understand it.
Write out ‘thirty’ in the first sentence.
”...exemplary service in the immigration office.” That’s really funny!
”...7 foot high…” seven-foot high
Write out all the numbers… ”three people” ”two months” ”age of nine” ”eleven hours”
I love the end with the broken speech and the gestures. Specifically the “which I nod furiously”. I can visualize perfectly.
Maybe you could have gone in to more detail about the surroundings. The never-moving line, the yellowed-tile floors, the informative posters all over the walls, the customer in front of him that picks his nose and eats it, the customer service rep that spoke in a tone that made you feel like he’s given this same exact speech already forty times today, the worker’s slicked-back hair and half-eaten sandwich. I don’t know. Just a little more detail would have been nice, but overall I think you did an excellent job. Much better than most things I’ve read on this site lately.
Good job and good luck!
abweicher_ian reviewed Version 1 -
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Good start, but I think the language is not plain enough to deliver the punching impact require to make a good joke. I think so much more attention should be devoted to the people in the crowd—what are they like? what do they look like? what are they doing? ... Then, make it as funny as possible. Give it some antics to lighten it up. It’s a great framework, though.
SOOO much potential.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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You get an “A” from all of us who have been there. Couple of minor points.
Might be a good idea to indicate why you are there in the first few sentences. This will give the reader who is strange to an immigration office something to anchor the experience. Why do you want to stay another two months? Create some dramatic tension.
It’s not a good idea to mention Guantanimo Bay unless you are a highly skilled and gifted comedian who makes millions of dollars a day. Your image bombed. Nothing funny about torture.
The instructions from the clerk are good. One of the few times a writer can get away with extended periods is when trying to relate a foreign language.
jessrod87 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow I was really thrown for a min. In the begining I was totally thinking that maybe this was from the point of view of a mexican or other ethnic group. So this person saying that he would need 2 learn arabic to read the signs really threw me for a loop. Funny in a kind of sarcastic way I love you have a great way with words that I admire a lot. Really very well written :)
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