If I start with the second line it will take away from the ending.There was no intention for rhyming, it just came out that way.A problem with the time line? On her way to her husbands gravesite she is carrying the blanket that they used on their first date, hence the first sentence and she is RECALLING that date throughout this first chapter.
Yeah, I’ve been trying to decide how I want to rework the whole POV thing with Daniel. There was more, but I had changed those.
Thanks for the review.
Short Story / Patchwork Memories ch. 1 (Analysis)
Tucked beneath her arm was the blanket they used on their first date, which she recalls from time to time with mixed feelings of love and hate.
It started with an hour drive to the Blue Ridge Parkway where they proceeded on a two-hour hike. At first she enjoyed being out in nature with the fresh air filling her lungs,invigorating her spirit. Birds chirped in the trees above as the wind rustled the leaves, causing a smile to rest upon her face as the sun peeked through the greenery to greet them with a warm kiss. The first hour or so of the hike was the best as she enjoyed the views, both around her and the one in front. She felt uncommonly naughty as she watched him walking, his muscles rippling and tensing on the steeper slopes. She wondered what it felt like to be in his arms, averting her eyes as she giggled should he turn around and see her watching him.
During the latter part of the hike she stepped wrong and not only twisted her ankle but fell forward as well, knocking her shins on the rocks and skinning her elbows raw in the effort of catching herself. Bleeding, bruised and humiliated, she allowed him to carry her the last few minutes to their destination. Once there, she forgot about her throbbing ankle as she took in the view.
He had taken her to a spot that overlooked the valley with its hustle and bustle of traffic and noise which she was grateful to be away from. To her left lay a small pond, its surface so smooth it gave the illusion of glass as it mirrored the sky above.
“ Wow,” She breathed.
“ Beautiful, huh?”
“Oh, very much so.”
He took her backpack and spread the blanket over the soft grass as she continued to check out her surroundings. In the city, she never had a moment as calming as the one she was experiencing. The sky seemed bluer in the mountains without the veil of pollutants and the birds, were they chirping louder here or was she just imagining it?
“Hey you, let me doctor your injuries, “Smiling his superstars smile, he broke into her peaceful moment of solitude and led her to the blanket.
In his backpack he carried a little first aid kit which he now produced to tend to her. Carefully he cleaned the dirt from her shins and elbows. After applying the antiseptic to her shins he blew on them to help take the sting away and she found she had to hum the National Anthem in order to keep her thoughts in a decent place. It was their first date, after all.
Once her injuries were bandaged and taken care of, she set about getting the food out she packed for their picnic. She thought it safe to pack light foods so, she had made finger sandwiches of humus with lettuce and cucumbers, there were crackers and Muenster cheese, apple and orange slices and sugar cookies she baked the night before.
As they ate, their conversations brought them to the subject of their future dreams, hers of being a writer and him of following in the footsteps of the other men in his family, becoming a fire fighter.
She watched his every move. He studied hers as well. She was mesmerized by his sky blue eyes and how they closed for almost a full second before he laughed. He blushed as she innocently looked up at him through the veil of coal black hair that fell to her face from time to time. When she had bit into an orange, the juice sprayed her lips and deftly, her tongue darted out between her lips to catch the drops before they could reach her chin. His poor heart ached so much from the sight of this he had to look away.
“ So, “she tried to be coy, “I guess this is the place you bring all of your first dates? “
“ No,” he smiled and shook his head, ”believe it or not, you are the first girl I have ever brought up here.”
“ Really? So how did you find this place?”
“ My parents used to hike up here a lot when they were dating, then, when they got married and had me, it became a family outing. Matter of fact, this blanket we’re sitting on is the same one they used on each trip.”
“ Wow, that is so amazingly sweet and crazy at the same time!”
She eyed the blanket. She could almost see the original beneath the various patches sewn here and there which covered the spots of wear and tear over the years of use. She imagined him at various stages in his childhood. Did they have to keep constant watch over him when he was two and curious to keep him from falling over the edge? At nine did he disturb the pond’s tranquility by jumping in it with a loud splash? Did they ever come at night and lay beneath the stars? She wondered if he would bring her back again sometime. If a patch would ever be sewn on that blanket that would forever signify their time together in that magical place.
She blushed as she realized he was watching her.
God, how I could lose my self in those eyes, she thought.
“ What were you thinking about just now?”
Reddening more at his question, she turned her eyes toward the pond. After a few moments she smiled and looking at him with a twinkle in her eye she giggled.
“ I was just thinking that we should cool off in the water.”
He watched her with wide eyes as she began unbuttoning her flannel shirt. The tank top underneath was a size too small, causing it to cling to her in a manner that allowed her belly to peek out with its tan smoothness. She stood up, wincing as a shooting pain reminded her of her injured ankle, unbuttoned her shorts and turned around as she pulled them down.
“ Edie, wait! “ He cried with such alarm she hurriedly began to pull her shorts back up. Hopping on her good foot, she lost her balance and toppled over. She looked about frantically, expecting to see a stranger gawking at her as she thought that to be the reason for his alarm.
He felt sorry for scaring her while at the same time watched the comical scene trying to suppress laughter that threatened to burst forth.
“ Why did you yell at me like that?” she asked, seeing that they were still alone.
“ Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought I saw a, well, you know what? Just roll over for a sec.”
She looked at him warily. What was he up to? She wondered.
“ Is this where you rape and kill me then dispose of my body over the cliff?” She asked this in a joking manner but though that maybe she should be cautious. She didn’t know him very well and there she was, alone with him on a mountain top, her shorts down to her knees.
“ No, “ he laughed, “just roll over. I promise I won’t hurt you. “
Slowly she did what he said but readied herself for a fight. She stiffened as she felt him slightly lift the bottom of her panty.
“Just what I thought.”
“ What?” She asked him then asked again to herself. What was he looking at? Was he checking her panty size? The brand? Was he checking whether they were clean or not?
“ What, Daniel, what is it?”
“ You, uh, you have a tick on your butt.”
“ What? Take it off!”
“ I can’t. Its head is burrowed under the skin. I’ll have to take you to the emergency room.”
Once again humiliated, she pulled up her shorts and wiped away a tear as she began to pack up their picnic.
“ Hey, don’t cry. It’s not a big deal. I’ve gotten ticks plenty of times coming up here.”
“ It’s. Not. That.”She responded between sobs.
“ Then what is it?”
Edie pushed the heels of her hands against her eyes for a moment. With a big sigh she pulled her hair away from her face and looked up at him.
“ I’m sorry for ruining your day,” Edie apologized with trembling lips, “I’m such a horrible date. You must hate me.”
“ Don’t be silly. I don’t hate you.”
“HMMMNNN ,” she whined as the tears poured and she shook her hands as if shaking off something disgusting, “Don’t lie to me, Daniel! You don’t have to do that.”
He knelt in front of her and with a finger under her chin he gently lifted her face so that she could see the sincerity in his eyes.
“ I’m not lying. I don’t hate you and you didn’t ruin OUR day. I enjoyed spending today with you.”
“ But I got hurt and you had to fix me up and now I have a tick BURROWED in my BUTT and you have to take me to the hospital when I am sure you have better things to do.”
With her flannel shirt he wiped away her tears then squeezed her nose, rubbing away the mess.
“And now your cleaning my snotty nose. That is so gross!”
“ Shit happens, Edie. People get hurt, get tick and get snotty noses, especially when they are blubbering like babes. “
She regarded his last comment with a pout.
Laughing he added, ”It’s natural. It’s a part of life and it’s nothing to get yourself all bound up and crazy about.”
She looked down and sighed.
“ It’s just, well, I like you. A LOT. And I am afraid that you won’t want to see me again. Ever. “
“ Hey, “ he cupped her face in his hands and looked directly in her eyes smiling.
That smile stopped time for the slightest of moments. Just long enough for her heart to skip a beat and her breath to catch in her chest. In that moment, she knew her feelings were deeper than what she had confessed, sweeter than a crush and much purer than a simple infatuation. In that moment she knew, she had to spend the rest of her life with Daniel.
She thought his lips to be the softest, sweetest of all God’s wonderful creations. As they kissed, her body felt like it was turning into mush from the inside out; her ears began to ring and it seemed the birds were singing louder and the song they sang was for her and Daniel alone.
As they parted lips, she slowly opened her eyes, knowing it was all a dream but hoping she was wrong.
“ I like you a lot too,” he smiled.
They put away their gear and headed back down the mountain alternating between her riding piggy back and limping as she leaned on him. She felt guilty when he had to carry her but he didn’t mind and she loved being close, feeling his heart beat as her hands layed on his chest, and listening to him breathe in between the conversations.He held her in such a way it made her feel as if he would never let her go, never let any harm come to her.She felt overwhelmingly safe in his hands and wished for the day to never end. She thought she could never tire of that feeling and, at 17, she had no idea that she would get the chance to find out that she never would.
That was 20 years ago and they had taken many more trips up that mountain, blanket in tow.
A year after that first date they married and took the blanket with them on their honeymoon to lie on the beaches of Mexico and plan their future.
Their son was almost born on that blanket in the back seat of their Volvo as they rushed to the hospital. Their daughter took her first tentative steps on it as they picnicked in the park.
It was with them throughout the years on many trips. Every so often she had to add a new patch, adding with it another memory she longingly holds dear each time she sits on their blanket.
The blanket.
Now, every Sunday for the past seven months she has carried it on her trips to see him.
She picks up a Sunday paper, fresh flowers and a bottled water on her way. She dodges the others as she walks toward him, saying hello to the ones she knows.
Once there, she places the dead flowers from the week before in the plastic bag from the store and replaces them with the fresh ones. Then she spreads the blanket before him.
“ Hey, Sweety, “ she says as she wipes the remnants of the freshly cut grass from his stone and places a kiss across his engraved name.
“ Let’s see how funny these funnies are today.”
She sits cross – legged and opens the paper
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j_cafesin reviewed Version 3 -
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Wow! I really liked this piece. It read totally quick, smooth for the most part. The dialog seemed real and in character and progressed great! From the opening line to the closing one, you had my attention. I really think this is a great piece of writing with only a few inconsistancies.
First thing that really struck me is that she didn’t seem very freaked out that she had a tick in her butt. She didn’t seem to feel it at all, and let me tell you, you can feel a tick! She didn’t express that she felt it even after he pointed it out to her. She said ‘get it off,’ but that was it. I don’t know that I’d be so calm with a tick eating into my butt. I don’t think right then my biggest concern would be about how I looked to the guy I was with. It would probably be to get the friggen bug out of my ass.
Maybe if she had some kind of loving exchange with him before the tick thing and he sweeps her away and takes her to the hospital like a knight coming in and saving the day. But to me she needs to react to the bug on her butt much more than she does.
One more thing…he was too perfect. I realize she was seeing him this way, but you’ve got a little too much there about how perfect he is. I kept waiting for the pshyco killer in him to come out. And though you played that one, it came too late. I wondered why she didn’t question his intentions BEFORE she went out there with him in the first place. If you toned him down just a little, give him a fraility or two, it would give the reader more space to fall in love with him too.
Other than that, I really liked it.
Thanks for the great read!
J. Cafesin
www.jcafesin.com
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Gaeltree reviewed Version 3 -
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I think the chapter should start with the second line. Also, there’s a verb tense change right in the middle of the first line and I am not sure it helps that it rhymes.
The dialogue overall is very good. I got confused by the tick incident where Edie appeared to regress in years, but then later you read that she’s 17 and it makes sense. However this seems indicative of the main problem here where you switch in between time lines from the present to the past and back again. You also switch POVs from Edie to Daniel and since Edie is the one narrating the story, I think the part with the orange, and again when she undresses to get into the water, should be rewritten from Edie POV alone.
As to whether it’s a romance, the first chapter seems to be setting up for it, arguably with the type of descriptions you use for the Edie-Daniel interaction.
It is a nice and soft introduction and I think develops enough interest for more by the end of it.
thefarmerswife reviewed Version 3 -
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I wasn’t very taken with this story for 3 main reasons.
1. Your main character isn’t very likeable. We learn little about her personality and the little we do learn is whiney and a bit pathetic – she comes across as taking herself far too seriously and not being much fun. there were a couple of times (come on, the girl has a tick on her butt – that is a perfect comic setup and could have given to some flirty teasing on the way back down the hill maybe?) when you could have allowed her sense of fun and who she really is to shine through by having her laugh at herself as well as be embarrassed about it as any normal woman would be, not just burst into tears and feel sorry for herself. quite frankly, if I was Daniel I’d have been sorely tempted to leave her up the mountain!
2. It was glaringly obvious from the moment you mentioned going to see the husband that he was dead but it reads as if you are trying to hide the fact and make it a surprise which it isn’t and so it seems a little lame.
3. A lot of the language you use is rather corny and cliched.
That said, I don’t mean to be trying to beat you down with it, just to let you know how it reads to me so that you can improve.
Try developing your characters more, give them a sense of fun, something for the reader to identify with and loosen them up a little. She is very uptight.
Don’t try too hard to trick or con the reader, just let the story flow - the first chapter is way too early to be thinking aout adding twists anyway and it might even read better if you are blunt and open about it. Maybe describe the tragedy with honest frankness letting us get a glipse of her pain. Or possibly, if you don’t want the reader to know yet just don’t say anything about it, let them think he is alive for a few chapters. Let them build up a relationship with him and then tell us he’s dead – we would certainly care more and feel more for your main character.
Re the language. Try reading it outloud to yourself. You will hear the bits that sound corny and unreal.
Good luck and I look forward to reading the revised version.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 4 -
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Awwww, that’s the only word I could think of to describe this. This is such a love story to the max. It was a good short and sweet one. I dont know what kind of Urbis reviewer to find something bad about this, because it was good. I kind of reminded me of the notebook, with the flash back. Anyway good job with this.
derekosborne reviewed Version 3 -
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“His poor heart ached so much from the sight of this he had to look away.” I still think you should eliminate this line as it changes narrative focus and does not add anything to the exposition.
Nice job of expanding the paragraph of them walking back down the hill. This really smoothed out the transition to the present.
You may want to look at the ending sentences you used in the first draft. I remember them as less self conscious and more honest.
Now comes the hard part. This draft is better written. Not perfect, but better. However, in editing and “Strunking” and wrestling with diction and punctuation you have also removed some of the sweet innocence that drew me in and opened my heart in draft one. You have to do both.
Thanks again for the read.
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