Ahh, thank you so much for your kind review. I will elaborate more on the finer details and take heed to your advice.
Romance / Komali and Medli (Analysis)
Small, ebony wings worked furiously against the rushing island winds as the one and only Prince Komali soared gracefully in the cerulean skies. Clenched in his beak was a freshly picked, fuchsia flower; it’s petals radiating spring beauty. The Prince flapped once again as Dragon Roost Isle came into view. A gentle smile played across his face as he heard the first gentle plucking of Medli’s harp. As he neared the island, Medli appeared on the edge of the cliff face; harp in hand, fingers dancing across it’s metallic surface. Komali extended his back legs and grasped onto the cliff, his wings folding back into his sides. Medli continued to play, but turned to him and smiled in recognition. Komali sighed as he removed the flower from his beak, nothing but the sweet songs of Medli’s harp could render him so calm. As the final pitches faded into the wind, Medli strapped the harp to her back and put her hands on her lithe hips.
“And just where, have you been Prince Komlai?” She said playfully, a smile gracing her small face. Komali grinned and held out the flower to his friend.
“I wanted to thank you… For helping me get my wings.” He motioned towards his sun-kissed plummage, some ruffled as he stretched his arms. Medli grinned and took the flower from Komali’s extended fingers.
“You shouldn’t thank me. It’s my job as your attendant. And besides, Link was the real savior.” She pulled the petals to her heart and gazed at it lovingly. “The flower is really pretty though. Thank you.”
Prince Komali’s face fell slightly, but he smiled still. A strong breeze hinted with the salty smell and taste of the ocean fell around them and ruffled the feathers on both pairs of wings. The sun radiated in the mid-afternoon sky and left a warm smile on the ground beneath it. A pair of seagulls soared swiftly across the sky and tousled Medli’s hair as they flew past. A giggle escaped her lips and she patted the flower with her small hand.
“I should continue my practice. You… Can stay, and listen if you want.” She murmured hesitantly, a nervous note tingeing her vocals. Komali’s grin returned and he sat on the cool surface of the cliff.
“I’d be honored.” He said gently as Medli pulled out her golden-skinned harp. The suns rays shone on it’s surface, and Medli’s fingers began to dance. Slowly at first, adjusting to the new tune she played. The sweet notes of the strings surrounded both Rito Tribe members as the song floated up and around the island. Komali hummed lightly to the tune, it’s serenity relieving him of any and all stress. Perhaps, even though he was a prince, and Medli was in fact his attendant, they could remain friends until the notes of the harp were long forgotten in the memories of both.
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catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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thefarmerswife reviewed Version 1 -
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the one and only – surely a simple Prince Komali would surfice here.
it’s petals radiating spring beauty – I understand this is a quite sentimental piece but this line is just plain cheese! :)
You start by saying he flapped his small wings furiously giving us the impression he is quite small and then later say he flapped once again as the island came into view, giving the impression of a much larger and stronger animal ho needs only flap his wings once to propel himself a great distance.
A gentle smile and gentle plucking – repitition of the word gentle. Try and find another word.
do dragons (we get the impression at this stage in the story that he is a dragon) smile?
And just where, have you – this comma seems rather randomly placed. It might serve better if you put it after “been”
A smile gracing her face sounds a little wrong. A small smile playing on her lips perhaps?
Ah, he has feathers and hands – so not a dragon then.
If she gazed at something lovingly, wouldn’t he more likely to refer to it as beautiful than lovely?
The sun radiated in the sky – rather corny. Didn’t it just shine? and the ground, no matter how poetic one is feeling, is simply incapable of smiling.
tingeing her vocals – tingeing her words or her voice but only tingeing her vocals if she was singing it.
The suns rays shone on – the word “rays” is rather redundant here.
Despite my gentle teasing (and really that is all it was) in my comments, I rather liked this. It has a sweet, gentle quality to it – a real innocence which I enjoyed. I liked the way you introduced the different characters, the reaction that komali gave to Links name, the mention of the tribe they both belong to and his getting his wings. It leaves us guessing at so much that we would definitely turn the page to find out what manner of beast he is and how this story is going to unfold.
It needs some work with the grammar and tightening up the sentences but all in all, a lovely read.
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hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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My overall impression is that I want more. A good thing or that the piece needs more writing. We get hints that there is more to come with the comment For helping me get my wings and Link was the savior.
I do not think it is corny. It is an escape into a magical world of princes with wings. I would like to know more about their world. Is it our world as there are seagulls.
You could really expand this story as your characters are perfect and delightful, easy to engage with.
Thank you for sharing.
tornwings reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you did a beautiful job… however it is not my type of story… I do wonder what inspired you to write it though!
You have great talent you just need to develop it more!
Great job over all.
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