Poetry / Untitled 1

Wow, the anger and pain are clearly evident in this piece. It is very vivid in description which aids the visibility of the emotions here. Grreat job.

Seemed more of  a horror story, too violent for me.

wow! what a beautifully angry poetic murder of a lost love by the sharply honed words of this poem. brilliant!

the first verse is killer, the rest lives up to it.

Woah intense. Love the images you used, and I can really feel the anger of the writer the “cut these words on the insides of your eyes” is intense and interesting. I want to know what the person did to you. It might make the poem more intense, but its a really awesome poem. Good job.

I can feel the emotion…but something bugs me about this piece…and I don’t know what it is

It seems as if you feel alone at times…hurt and mad. you find ways of standing even after they kill you inside.

There is a mix of description in here, both showing and telling,and the showing comes through more.  I can see what you mean by one of your earlier pieces – all of my poetry from years ago seems to leak emotion, like this piece.  This is a very strong piece, even if the focus of your emotion is not mentioned.  Well written.    

The first paragraph is graphic and powerful.  It makes the reader feel as if there is a challenge about to unfold!  You used descriptive words well and straight to the point although there are some words to omit.  I would search substitutes for “and”.  I would remove to in the beginning of the 5th line, it still flows well.  Instead of and in the 6th line, use leaving.

As you eat my pain, choke and vomit…sounds like there is no other choice, increasingly powerful!

My anger will crush you as I have been crushed (or something in this nature).
I like the way you reference that even in perfection, the person will never be perfect enough to ever breathe another breath!  I’m feeling it.

I like the jagged and the permanence of the ending.  I would try to convert the piece to more of a poetry than screaming angered thoughts.  The first 2 paragraphs are poetry in motion but then the feel changes like the anger overran the poet and should be reanalyzed to see if you can see it with another perspective.  Please be advised that if you evaluate it and you’re not angry anymore, you could manipulate that “anger” quality away from the poem.  Just be aware that you are reading it and revising it from another perspective and try to keep the angry feelings, just set them to poetry.  I liked it and would like to see the revision.  Thank you for the opportunity!

Your poem is interesting. As I read through it I kind of got the meaning and morale of it. It’s one of those… If you’ve never lived the life, you’ll never understand. But, The wording was a bit to strong for me. I think with up front and powerful words, I’d rather ease my way into something like that.
Good though!

My my, someone is hurt and expressing it very well. Although I do would like to see more happy pieces than down and sad, I do like this one since I can relate to such pain. Good job!