If you’re intrigued, the poem has succeeded. The I/i thingy comes from Indian philosophy, the struggle between your little self and the great Self, the real and the Supreme Reality. Let’s see where version 2.0 goes and maybe you will dig it then! Thanks for reviewing though; it was helpful.
Poetry / The I-deal (Analysis)
THE IDEAL
I once perceived the Ideal
and I vowed to grasp the Ideal
but the Real is just real.
Everything falls short.
Guilt flows from the octopii sorrows,
streaming forms of the imagined Ideal.
Failures are the thorns of pains
fertilised by non-apprehension.
Struggles are the terrors of trying,
seeing again and again and after
questions and answers.
Death is the quiet departure,
separation of the “I” that perceives
from the “i” that deceives.
Goodness is the chain that ties in the “I’
with the deal that elides the elusive “i”.
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ur_lord_chaos reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written! “I” understand and wish to congratulate you on a very creative work of poetry. Thank you for sharing that with us!
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libby reviewed Version 1 -
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Love your note for reviewers. I shall try. ;)
Your first stanza didn’t draw me in at all. Too abstract. I know you’re trying to set the poem up, but it falls a bit flat. I’m fine with just the title.
In fact, the whole poem is a little too abstract for my taste, probably due to the subject. The images you do have, though, are striking. I wish they were more developed. There are so many places you could go with “octopii sorrows”, but I didn’t see any of them.
The I/i juxtaposition is interesting. I’m torn as to how I feel about it. Part of me wants more explanation… are we talking the pronoun vs the letter, or capital I Ideal versus something else? Another part of me prefers to wonder, or to decide it means both. So that’s just something to consider.
Interesting piece. Couldn’t say that I love it, but I’m intrigued.
johnnyxhoustan2 reviewed Version 1 -
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sorry, i really don’t understand it. and i feel bad because each line sounded so cool like there was a meaning i was missing, but perhaps it was too well hidden. Honestly, it was the title that caught my attention. when i first saw it i thought thered be a dead, like a negotiation itd be about “i”. or yourself. the first stanza also bugs me. its how all the endings rhyme, but non of the other stanzas are like that, except for the last with we perceives, deceives and “i”. sorry :(
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm. I don’t really know what to say.
I feel like I am always saying this, but your poem is suffering from abstraction overload. I would suggest eliminating them and replacing them with concrete images. (abstractions = guilt sorrows struggles terrors questions answers etc)
I understand that you are trying to wax philosophical here, but you are missing the mark, in my humble opinion.
dreamslost reviewed Version 1 -
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Death is the quiet departure,
separation of the “I” that perceives
from the “i” that deceives.
Best line ever. The poem over all is really good. in the last line you use elides and i think you mean eludes. I actually don’t like the last two lines that much. I see what your trying to do, a play on words with i and deal but it makes the point of the poem less clear in my opinion. But yeah keep writing, you are really good.
Xina reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the fact that you have real and ideal capitalized; it shows how important the ideal was to you and real the real has become instead.
Although I like the metaphors, it feels like there should be something in between them. Instead of having failures, struggles, and death all in a row. It makes the poem feel like a list of metaphors, but there is more meaning here that I think writing more in between them will pull out.
The poem flows well and I like the alliteration in certain lines.
I especially liked the stanza on death.
However, you say “goodness is the chain that ties in the ‘i’” Is that all that is missing between deal and ideal? Maybe the speaker could say more about that.
archcarrier reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem helped me reach homeostasis.
trueblindness reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I like what you were going for I don’t like the flow it is interrupted by the spontaneous rhyming that is through out. It is interesting and thought provoking I do like that.
emila reviewed Version 1 -
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Well done. I like it. i have joined this community 2 day sago and i am really enjoying it. Thats great this is really awesome poem. My friend is also saying it is great.
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