Poetry / Andy Knew God

Mighty good writing for something “thrown” together.  Tight, solid meter, good images.  I think trimming a word here or there might make it a bit stronger.  In the third verse for instance, suppose you omit the passive verb in the third line of that verse and make it immediate “Revelation eats your soul” and omit “but a” in the following line and keep “Fear keeps you going back”?  Just a suggestion.  The last verse, as I read it, seems a bit of overkill, as if you want to make sure we get it.  What if you omit the long dash and “wind, rain, living” from the first three lines?  Anyway, good job.

This is a very interesting poem.  I don’t like to suggest lines to anybody, but I think that stanza 4 is the weakest in the bunch and needs something a bit more motivating, a bit more forceful and direct--it seems like ur right out there for the rest of the poem but u hide a bit in this stanza…perhaps an intentional device but for me it loses the driving quality of the rest of the piece.  Otherwise though, I liked this poem very well--I think the last line is a bit on the melodramatic side but very good work

Highly intelligent poetry.  Are you eating up the wind is a very good sentence and the sweating beer throuh lazy pores.  You captured me with the first paragraph, it proved worthy of a look.  That’s very important you know.
Question mark needed in 2nd paragraph.
Are you with me looking on?

Maybe you could write:
Come off the broken plank porch to beat….
Watch your sentence structure.  Some are treated like sentences and some are not.  It should be one way or the other.
Church has you in panic (is it church or religion?)
I love the air replaced with CHEAP perfume sentence, the cheap emphasized the waste of it.  It shows how precious simple air is worth…great!
Andy knew God’s breath—wind
he knew God’s tears—rain
He knew God’s wrath—living
In oblivion he is happy.
I would have never expected this ending.  Cleverly written.  Thank you for the opportunity.

sometimes what you are trying to accomplish is unclear, but the poem is good. i enjoyed reading it. the consistency in the beat was excellent, and you used your punctuation well. i really liked the comparisons between God and nature at the end – good work.

I like this. I think this was well put together but kind of seems like it just dies off towards the end and then finishes. I would suggest maybe adding a stanza or two in the middle  to explain how Andy knew God’s tears and God’s wrath. Also you might want to put why he is happy in oblivion.

I hope this helped you.

If what I think this means, I like it a lot!  Your words flow well, and they don’t sound used.  Good Writing.