Novel Treatments / Ashley Burlough (Analysis)
Ashley stared at the plastic stick. Shit. those two little lines were going to change everything! She knew she would never consider an abortion, unplanned or not, but what else could she do? She sat on the toilet, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. “Sixteen. What the hell was I thinking,” she muttered. “And he wasn’t even that good looking.” How far along was she? She didn’t really remember her last period, there had been too many things that were going on that were not supposed to be going on.
She thought on her way home, which was just tow blocks. Not very long to think, but …She still didn’t know how to tell her parents. It had to be soon. “God, if You’re there, help me! I don’t know how to do this.” She blew her nose, wiped her eyes, and breezed in the door like she usually did.
“Ashley, please don’t let the door slam behind you! I’ve told you how many times!?”
“Sorry mum,” Ashley muttered, climbing the stairs up to her room. Why couldn’t she have a low profile life, instead of being a daughter of one of the prominent families. Why oh why! She shut the door behind her, and did her homework, her mind not on the assignments. God this…why this?
She finished her homework, turned on her music, and sat just chilling out. She was startled out of her reverie when her door burst open.
“Mom! Knock for cripes sake!” She glared at her mother.
Her mother glared back, and Ashley dropped her stare. “We have something to discuss. Something very important. Sheila Owens saw you at the store buying a pregnancy test. Are you pregnant?”
Ashley looked down. “Yeah. Yes ma’am I mean.”
In three quick strides, Ashleys’ mom was standing in front of her daughter. “You should be ashamed of youself. Behaving a like a bitch dog in heat! I thought I could expect better.”
“Mom, it was only one guy!”
“Only one guy…! If this gets out, we’ll be ruined! Do you want that? YOur father is a respected man, a respected, well known judge and if any one should hear about this…!”
Ashley sat up a little taller, feeling the anger rise in her. “Mother,” she said in a cold tone, “Did you ever consider the idea that I don’t give a damn? If it would wreck our oh so precious family, maybe I’ll just leave! Or perhaps I’ll just tell one of my friends.”
“You’ll do no such thing!” Her mother started after Ashley, who was much moew agile. Ashley ducked under her mother and ran into the hallway.
She stood at the top of the stairs. “What are you going to do mum? Heaven forbid we should have something normal in this family for once! That might just take us from our oh so precious spot on this citys’ history!” Ashley spat the words out, glaring at her mother.
“Ashley Elizabeth Burlough, I will NOT Have you speaking to me in that tone of voice!”
“You know mum, the choice is mine as to what to do about this pregnancy, and I believe you will be a grandma. You can’t force me to do anything.”
“We’ll see about that.” Her mom said, going down the stairs. “We’ll just see about that.”
Ashley shut her door and locked it, something she never did, and sat on her bed crying. There was no way her mom could force her to abort, or could she? Ashley placed her arms over her belly protectively, and just sat. She finally carried through on one of her threats, she called her best friend, and told her the news. There! Let that be that! Now it wasn’t a secret anymore!
She cried after she had put her cell back in her pocket and wondered what would happen. This whole mess, this whole thing! God how stupid! She bemoaned the fact. A wicked grin lit up Ashleys face, and she went to her Myspace account and wrote a blog announcing to her friends that she was pregnant. There. Let them panic. She didn’t care. Not one iota.
The next morning she found out that she wasn’t allowed to go to school, her mother had written the school a note saying Ashley would be off for the next two weeks due to an infection.
“Mum, if you’re trying to hide it, perhaps you should’ve taken away my computer. It’s up on the internet you know.” Ashley merely smiled, baiting her mother.
“You little ungreatful bitch! Why I ought to!”
Ashleys mom was quick. She saw her daughters intention to leave the house, and grabbed her by the arm. “I don’t think so missy. You just march your sweet little butt back up to that room. This will all be over soon. Very soon. Your father knows the law, and he’s going to get this little ‘problem’ taken care of.”
Ashley spent the rest of the afternoon in her room with out her computer. She listened to music on her MP3 player, and tried to take a nap.
Around 3pm, her father came up to the room. Ashley hated him, and glared at him when he entered her room. “I’m not listening to you, you old hypocrite”, she said. “You say women should have a choice, but you’re not letting me. I know mom had an abortion last year. I’m not stupid. If you make me go through with this, you’ll lose me too.”
Mr. Burlough said nothing. He merely guided her by the shoulder out of her room. “You know this is for the best for all of us. Your mother did what she had to.”
Ashley brushed his hand off of her shoulder. “That’s bull and you know it. Don’t feed me that crap.”
Ashley knew she had no choice, and on the way to the clinic, she wept bitterly. This was her child, shouldn’t she have the right to carry the pregnancy to term? The law didn’t feel that way apperantly, and it didn’t help matters when your father was the judge, she thought as she was escorted from the SUV. Several Pro-lifers were gathered around the clinic, and a few tried to block her entrance. They yelled about how her baby was alive, and when Ashley got the chance, she yelled back and told them
“My name is Ashley Elizabeth Burlough, and I’m not doing this because I want to! I’m being forced! Take pictures! Show them to people! I should be able to have my baby too! In a year and a half, I won’t have to worry about it!”
“Shut up Ashley!” Her mother whispered. “You are going to ruin our reputation!!”
“Screw you mum. You’d be the one to talk eh? I know what you did last year.”
“Shut up and get inside. No more smart mouthing from you!”
Ashley did not cooperate, and had to be dragged inside the clinic. She was immediatly seen by the nurse, and a complete history was taken, with Ashley being completely uncomperative, and making derogatory remarks the whole time. The nurse did an ultrasound to determine gestation since Ashley wouldn’t cooperate, and spoke to her parents breifly in a hushed whisper.
She explained the various surgical options avalible, and asked Ashley which one she’d prefer, but already knowing what the beligerent teenager would say.
“I don’t want any of them. Now that that’s clear, can I go?”
After the procedure was done, Ashley woke, pissed off and with an upset stomach. After she got home, after a week of parent enforced bed-rest, she was allowed to get up and return to school. She was even allowed to driver herself, which was her parents biggest mistake. Instead of driving to school, she drove to a seedy looking house, and knocked on the door.
A man in boxer shorts opened the door. “Ash baby, how ya doing? Ain’t seen ya in some time.”
“Screw off with the talk Ace, you know what I’m here for. I want two rocks, and I want them NOW. Don’t tell me you don’t have them. The sooner, the better.”
Sitting out in her car a while later in a Wal-Mart parking lot, ashe got out a note book and wrote this:
“Mom and dad.
You killed your grandkid last week, so there fore you killed me. Hope you feel great about that.”
She injected the drug, and closed her eyes, ready to meet her Maker.
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Never, never use ALL CAPS. It’s Writing 101. Professional critics will eat you alive, and most agents won’t touch you.
That said, you’ve got a decent idea for a novel. Your problem is going to be how to add a twist to what is an already crowded field of teen pregnancy and consequnce novels. The latest, successful twist is Juno; same old story in a new and interesting character package, supported by the unique and innocent friend that gets her pregnant. What you have so far is not enough justification for suicide. This is an attractive, wealthy, apparently normal 16 year old girl. She’s going to need some skeletons in her closet and maybe a slow decline into drug dependance. But that in itself won’t be enough for today’s market and it’s already been done.
Write the book and see what comes. As a novel treatment, you have not demonstrated a fresh idea that an agent would bite.
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driver herself-drive
A while ago I read the first to pages and thought you were going to do a series of chapter. But I see you took a u-turn and ended the story now. Everything was good up to the ending..I dont really think you could kill yourself by getting high. You should’ve made her by some pills from the guy instead on OD.. Other than that good story and I liked the way you wrapped it all up.
I liked your heroine, spunky, feisty, outspoken, honest. The only thing I found out of sync was that the abortion was legally forced on her. From the style of your writing I’m guessing you’re from the UK. Here there is no way anyone, including parents, would not be able to force an abortion.
I liked the way you kept your characters’ personalities consistent. Ashley stayed feisty (I like her, by the way), her mother was a class A bitch, and her father was a jerk. Her feelings about them were very honest and the reader was not left doubting as to why.
In some ways, your characters were almost caricatures of themselves. The mother the perfect bitch, Ashley the perfect rebel, her father the typical judge type. But in some ways this worked for you. It’s almost like you were working out an anger.
I didn’t like the ending, though there was a certain symbolism in it. I’d personally like it better if Ashley just found someone to run off with—and live. In some the ending was overdone, in others, I understand.
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