Children's / Monster Under The Bed (Analysis)

Love it.  It reminds me of stuff I read in something like “Where The Sidewalk Ends” or “Falling Up”.  Wonderful

I liked it very much, and at the last line “Why is my sock stuck to his tooth?”, is funny.  I bet your daughter would like this poem.

Take care,
Shohreh

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August 04, 2008

by J_Lynn

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7	100.0% (11 votes)	3.8%

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30	F	Tampa, FL	October 10

Thanks!  I hope she does, she’s still a baby so I won’t know for a couple of years yet.  

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This is a very “cute” poem

I am sure that he tries to eat my feet…I think you can remove “that” from this sentence, it would flow better.
And every morning when I rise…consider:  Every morning when I arise…
He talks to me, I think he lies…and I think….

But there’s slobber to my knee…there is slobber all the way up to my knee.

He said it must’ve been his friend Jim…He says he has a friend named Jim
Whom he had for a visit last night…Who he claims came to visit last night
Who stayed until the early morning light
Very happy and funny ending!  Thank you for the opportunity.  I would like to see it revised if you plan to do so.

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August 03, 2008

by J_Lynn

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Thanks.  In all honesty it’s just for a book of poems I’m writting for my daughter so I originally had no intentions of doing much editing to it, I mainly posted it to see if I could pick up a few helpful tips for future poems for her book.  I’ve gotten so many useful suggestions though that I now almost feel that I have to revise it since I can see how much better it could be by following a few of the tips given.  Thanks for your review, I think it will prove helpful!

August 03, 2008

by sadpoet

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You are welcome.  Good luck with the book!

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Dear Stranger,
   I found this poem very endearing and something that, as a child, I would have enjoyed very much. I think its important to give kids words that invoke imagination and creativity. One thing that keeps their interest is the idea of monsters (at least it worked for me as a kid).
   As far as mechanics go, you have some end rhyme in place.  This is great for kids, and the first kind of rhyme they usually learn (most of Dr. Suess is in this format).
   There really isn’t much to change here, if anything. I would keep it as is. I think its publishable. I could see a book of poems that deal with children and their secondary worlds. I could also see if being very successful, similar to “A light in the attic” or “where the sidewalk ends”, two books I was bonkers over as a kid (15 years ago).

  Stay cool,

   D.R.

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August 03, 2008

by J_Lynn

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7	100.0% (11 votes)	3.8%

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30	F	Tampa, FL	October 10

I just realized that I coincidentally reviewed one of your works tonight in order to earn enough credits to read your review of mine.  Weird.  (I know it probably doesn’t sound as weird to you as it does to me, but then you missed out on the whole process of me trying to find something I was in the mood to review and for the first time ever clicking on the Flash Fiction section.)  Anyway, totally off topic.  Thanks for the review!

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The overall story is fun, and I love the slobber on the knee and sock in the tooth. For a poem, and especially one for children which WILL be read out loud, there are several lines that don’t really flow. i.e. line 4 is wordy. Did you try “I’m sure he tries” or start with “he tries …” etc.
Line 6, period not comma.

Wonderful poem for children! It has a Shel Silverstein feel to it. The poem’s humor is on a level appropriate for younger children to understand. I like how the lack of periods seems to further impress upon the reader that the words are supposed to be coming from the child. Bravo! If your other poems are as good as this, I strongly urge you to publish them for ALL children to enjoy!

This is a cute poem for an elementary school age child, maybe a little bit younger.  I’m not sure if it will help a child go to bed – it might create fear of bedtime monsters!

a few suggestions:

I think “because” sounds better than “cause every night…”

but there’s slobber to my knee – how about But there’s slobber on my knee” or “but there’s saliva on my knee” or ” but there’s monster cooties on my knee, etc.

Haha. This is so adorable. A small child trying to find out what’s going on xD I really liked it all the way through, though I thought the lines “He tells me he didn’t try to eat me / But there’s slobber to my knee” weren’t as good as the other ones. They fell oddly when they finally arrived. But still – a lovely, cute rhyme for children. It has some definite potential (oh, I so love things written for children).

Clever little thing. I especially like the last line. It needs a lot of work in terms of structure. Your syllable count is off (9/9/5/10 8/8/10/7 …) and the rhythm suffers because the intonation’s all over the place. Try approaching it like a kid reading Dr. Seuss for the first time and you’ll see what I mean.

Oh how cute!! I don’t know if you have ever read a children’s poetry book called “Where the Sidewalk Ends”, but this made me think of it. If you have, then you know what a compliment this is meant to be.I can just imagine a picture beside this poem with a funny looking monster with a sock in its mouth. This is wonderful and I can’t wait to read it to my nephew. Great Job on this!!