Poetry / Real American (Analysis)

I have to say i like your word usage, but i dont really understand what you are trying to say. It really confused me. My favorite line is “yet the reason…eludes my eyes.” One thing i would would change is the (.....) that you put, it changes the tone and the mood of the poem. I think it would sound better if you were to take them out. Some times it work, but not constantly.

I felt your poem was very good, and well put together.  I like the message you are putting across.  I don’t think you have much to correct before you can publish this poem.  Well done poem, you have done an outstanding job as I said before, keep up the good work.

It runs in circles but I liked it. It is interesting, all the going around in the poem. There are little places here and there that could be written a bit more clearly and I am not sure if you purposely put some words into capital letters for emphasize or not. I especially like the sentence that reads: “The human side says… praises to thee….that you are you and I am me.” It seems like a play at words yet simple too. I liked this poem.

I think you need to seriously work on your line break.
Poetry is all about line break, I mean that is what we rely on to tell our readers when to breath when to stop etc.  But it feels like you are trying to use the ellipses to do that, and I think that elipses should be saved to take place of elliptical phrases.  I mean being creative with them is okay, but I don’t think it’s working here in your poem.  Break your line instead of weaving it, is my suggestion.
I also think that you could do without your abstractions which only take away from your poem (e.g. envy) show us what you mean instead.
My favorite line (and it would do much better with a proper line break to introduce it becuase it comes after the line “the world already knows what is real”) is “One with the bullets.”
Don’t abandon this poem.  I think it will really benefit from removal of the elipses and line breaks, this might even be a prose poem, who knows!
Good Luck

When we hate each other we are only hating ourselves. When we love each other we are loving life. We are all incredibly unique. We are so much of the same.

That is what I got from the poem. I think the poem is one of those that will mean so many different things to the individual reader. I wouldn’t change a thing.

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June 03, 2008

by realeyes69

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	55.6% (9 votes)	30.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
99	M	Deltona, FL	July 21

thank you

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This is interesting indeed.  However, the lack of stanza seperation makes it hard to follow.  The message is in there, which is an interesting find, however there isn’t a simple line to follow.  It’s sort of like reading a montage.  Good, but maybe some glue to hold it together?  It’s difficult, I think, to identify with narration as fractured it is.  Since the message lies on the edge of obscurity, the spattered nature of the imagery makes grabbing the abstract more work than is desired.  This, I think could be solved with clear stanzas that lead from what clump of thoughts to another so that with a compartamentalized understanding, the reader can regroup at the end of the poem and therefore get more feeling from it.

I am a firm believer that the form of poetry speaks more than the words or the title.

“Conscientious says I don’t want. ”  This line, I don’t think starts off well.  Conscientiousness has a very distant meaning from want, in the way I think you’re implying.  It seems like you’re playing connect the dots with symantics.  If you’re using an archaic or obscure meaning, then perhaps change word choice for the sake of clarity; or if you are mispelling it, then it really needs to be fixed.

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June 03, 2008

by realeyes69

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	55.6% (9 votes)	30.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
99	M	Deltona, FL	July 21

thanks

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I reviewed this once but it said i didn’t. To me the poem means that we are all different but yet alike as well. And that there is always going to be a place in a human being that another cannot reach. However i am not sure where the bulletts fit in . If this is central to the poem you might consider revising. Thanks Sandi.

and i…am I – would be better
what real --- is real – that’s awkward

for me the first stanza works best
then it flags
i would take out the very last section
and also the one starting with envy

ideally i would use only the first stanza and then put in only “one with the bullets”
that would be one helluva poem
all the best