You know, I was thinking the same about her needing to have an older feel to her. My only problem is I’m not sure how to make that happen! I need to do some more research and figure out things she might say, the actions of those times, etc. I’m glad you enjoyed it, this one is one of my favorite pieces as well. I’m definitely still working on this piece, adding to it… This one is actually a revised version – I combined ‘David’ and ‘Turning’ to make this version. So I’m glad you found this one. Thanks for the editing help, too! Always helpful! =)
Young Adult / Winterhaven - Turning
The night that I died was depressingly uneventful. If it weren’t for the minor fact that I was killed and turned into a vampire that night, August 17th, 1874 would have been a normal, horribly forgettable day.
My brother David and I had finished our chores and studies, allowing us what remained of the evening for leisure. We could stay outside only until dark, a long-standing, unexplained demand from our father.
As it was our favorite place to go when we were allowed, I followed my brother to the creek that ran through the thicket of trees behind our house. Large rocks spotted the creek, perfect for lounging on, and in many places the water ran deep enough to swim in.
The sun was just beginning it’s slow decent behind the mountains as we crossed the small, lush meadow that led us towards the water. David stomped directly into the murky creek, dunking his head before turning to me, water dripping into his big brown eyes.
”Come on Lilly, get in! It’s not that cold!” Kicking up enough water to soak through the hem of my dress, he smiled up at me crookedly. David was the wildcard of our family; as regal and proper as our father was, David always wore a lopsided grin on his face and had trouble being serious.
Stripping down to modest under-garments, I tested a big toe in the running water. Sure enough, a warm stream rushed over my foot.
”Alright, I’m coming. But we’re not staying long; it’s already dusk. You know how Father feels about staying out past sundown.” David was forever pushing the boundaries of his free time, an annoyance our father did not appreciate and was constantly scolding and punishing David for. Occasionally I was pulled down with him, grounded for not being responsible enough. My brother rolled his eyes and splashed further down the creek in response. Satisfied with the temperature of the water, I finally jumped along beside him.
The sun had set beyond the horizon, leaving only a faint glow from the moon glittering off the water.
”Okay Davey, time to go. It’s late and you’re going to get us in trouble again.” I started back up the creek bed towards the meadow’s entrance where my dry clothes were waiting.
”Aw, Lilly, we’ve still got time. Come on, please? You’re just scared of the dark,” his eyes flashed mischievously. “But you don’t have to worry, I’ll keep you safe. It’s not even that dark yet.” His pouting face tugged at my heart, and my will to resist, as usual. I was too soft, always giving in. I hated saying no to David.
But I should have put my foot down that night. Maybe I could have protected my little brother, and saved myself an eternity of damnation.
Ignoring the dark and the noises of the night, and instead enjoying the warm breeze, I took a seat on a large stone and watched David resume play, splashing around, searching for bugs and reptiles in the water. A howling from the meadow startled me and I turned around instinctively.
”David,” I started, now intending to make demands. Coyotes and other howling creatures were where I drew the line. “Let’s go, out of the water now.” I turned back to David, a purposely-stern look in my eyes.
Yet I found myself staring into a calm, empty creek.
”Come on Davey, this isn’t funny. We’ve got to go, no jokes tonight.” My eyes darted towards the looming forest at the sound of another animal’s call.
David was gone.
My head snapped again towards the line of the thicket, but all that greeted me were dark trees and the sudden horrifying realization that I was alone.
”Davey?” I stood slowly, sinking a bit into the mud under my feet. “This is not funny!” My voice wavered; I knew I was projecting a frightened tone, one my brother knew not to ignore. Still, only silence greeted me. I quickly pulled my dress on and started making my way back to the meadow.
”That’s it! I’m going home, and you are going to be in so much trouble when father finds out what you did! You had better follow me out of here and get back to the house!” Anger and frustration washed over me heavily. If he wanted to play pranks, I was not going to sit around and fall for them.
Through the trees I could just make out the glow of the candles that lit the house at such a late hour. Although home was not far, the hill that led towards the old cottage was steep, requiring time and careful footing to reach the top.
I did not hear a sound before being knocked to the ground. My face hit the cool grass and a pair of strong, cold hands held my arms painfully in place behind me. The warmth of the summer night seemed to be sucked from the air as a cold body pressed against me. Thoughts of pain, rape and murder raced through my head, and again I thought of David. Had this person been the cause of his sudden disappearance? Panic flooded my body and I tried to fight, only to find myself unable to move. Only seconds passed before a sharp, stinging sensation stabbed at my neck. The pain was minimal and evaporated nearly as quickly as it came, but I immediately began to feel weak, all remaining energy and will to escape rapidly drained from my body.
I was unsure how many days passed as I lay in the grass, but by the rising and falling of the sun, I believed it was a half a week. For those three days, I lay in the meadow writhing in agony, lacking the strength to move, with no food or water, and my head filled only with thoughts of death. I prayed a coyote or bear would come along to end my suffering, but even late in the night when the animals’ calls and howling sounded very near by, no creature ventured close enough to so much as sniff at my vulnerable body. Despite the high summer sun in the sky, the August days no longer felt warm to me. I shivered and curled into a ball in an attempt to reflect the cold surrounding me.
I knew that I was dying, yet had no idea why. I felt as though the air in my lungs was very slowly, teasingly leaking, and unable to refill. Every bone felt like it were breaking and my muscles tightened and seemed to expand, sending excruciating cramps through my arms, legs and stomach; my skin felt taught and dry, and an overwhelming thirst was beginning to invade my thoughts. Every sense in my body was heightened – the trickling creek became a rushing river and animals running through the woods, their crying at night, screamed into my newly sensitive ears. I could smell the sweet, potent aroma of wildflowers a dozen yards away as though they were under my nose; while I could not focus on the sights around me, the sky appeared more blue, the grass a startling green, and the sun’s light burned the sky with golden yellow rays.
The most memorable was the pain. It shot through my body as regularly as the sun rose each day. But by my fourth day in the meadow, it all ended. I opened my eyes to the same highly altered senses, but the pain had vanished and I found myself able to move again. Only the uncomfortable, unwavering thirst remained. My desire to drink launched my body up from the ground and back towards the creek where I knew satisfying cold water would be waiting.
I felt my bare knees scratch against the rocks that lined the brook’s edge but felt no discomfort or pain. I had scooped up the muddy water and nearly touched my cupped hands to my dry lips when I spotted him.
David.
Just beyond the trees on the opposite side of the stream, lay an unmoving heap of my brother’s clothing. Sprouting from his body his arms and legs were sprawled out and dark, unruly hair mixed in with the dirt. Without the memory of moving from the water, I was by David’s side, his head resting in my lap.
Although horribly cut, bruised and unconscious, I could hear a faint beating from his heart struggling to hold on. He was alive. Relief surged through me and I placed my hand on his barely heaving chest.
”Davey, can you hear me?” I spoke softly to him, leaning close to his blood-caked face. Inhaling to speak again, I was struck with an overpowering, wonderful scent.
Shaking my head vigorously, I stood and jumped away from David at an incredible speed. Not taking my eyes from him I backed up, retracing my steps to the creek. Again I scooped water from the brook, this time shoveling it into my mouth in an attempt to quench the growing thirst. Yet as soon as I swallowed the cool liquid my stomach heaved violently and, although I did not know it at the time, I discovered I was now unable to consume anything other than warm, fresh blood.
Confused, I pulled myself from the creek and stood, staring at David’s nearly lifeless body. The sweet metallic aroma still filled my nostrils and was now taunting me, calling out from across the stream. As quickly as the thought crossed my mind, I found myself back at my brother’s side.
The smell grew stronger and the beating of David’s heart, albeit faint, drummed loudly in my ears. It was an intoxicating combination. The thirst continued to increase and as my tongue flicked out of my mouth to wet my parched lips, it grazed something unfamiliar and sharp. Startled, I brought a hand to my mouth to identify the offending object. I was not prepared, however, to discover that it was a stationary piece; my finger moved across a long, pointed tooth.
My breath stopped short as I began to realize the only explanation – my father’s demands to be inside by nightfall, the cold body throwing me to the ground, attacking me; days of what I could only assume was a transformation, and my newly acquired dental fittings and overpowering thirst.
I had been turned.
I was a vampire.
Absently I felt at my fangs again, only to pull back quickly at a pricking sensation. A spot of crimson appeared on my finger and the coppery taste of blood hit my tongue, arousing me.
That was when the unfamiliar and uncontrollable instincts took over me.
Everything around David and me seemed to fade as I moved towards his exposed neck. The only sounds were the cadence of his heartbeat and the short intake of his small breaths. Unwillingly forgetting my relationship with the person lying beneath me, I lunged.
David’s flesh, pink and tender, gave easily to my fangs and warm liquid flowed into my mouth. Immediate satisfaction greeted me as I continued to drink greedily.
You’re taking too much! Stop, Lilly, stop. You are going to kill him, this is your brother!
Thoughts raced through my mind and though I knew I should quit drinking, I couldn’t so much as feel the desire to hold back. I felt only power and strength surging through me like a current; this feeling only fueled my attack. The hold I had onto David stiffened and I dug my altered canines further into his throat, with more force. I could feel the throbbing of his pulse quicken against my lips as his body panicked against the assault, but still I felt no remorse.
When I finally pulled away I felt gluttonous and dizzy, yet the power and sinew I’d begun to feel earlier had spread through me, now significantly amplified. I sat back on my haunches and gazed at David, trying to comprehend what I had just done. I licked my lips nervously, catching the few drops of blood that remained, and moved to touch David’s chest. It no longer had the slight movement as it did moments before, and the light rhythm of his heart had ceased. The life had literally been drained out of him.
I had taken my brother’s life, stolen from the person I loved more than anything. Both horrified with myself and slightly in awe of my sudden abilities, I turned to flee and was propelled just beyond the meadow, on the hill leading home.
I couldn’t very well go back now though. David and I had been missing for days and how our parents had not found us in the forest was beyond me. If I showed up at the door now, it appeared I would not be able to control myself in the presence of humans – or would I be able to resist now that I had . . . fed? Not willing to risk the lives of the others I loved most, I turned and ran, unsure of my destination.
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FromRazorToRosary reviewed Version 1 -
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You definately have talent.
All these bits and pieces are extremely good :)
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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10s. Excellent. One of the best ones.
So now I think Lillian should have more of a 1874 feel to her character throughout, or at least a memory of how things were then before she turned.
OK, when Lilly kills David, I think it’s a bit rushed afterward. “in awe of . . .” is not enough in my opinion. This needs a bit more narration.
it’s slow decent = its
under-garments = undergarments
felt like it were breaking = felt as if it were breaking (Use as if when what follows is a clause.)
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Instead of ‘tugged at my heart’ which feels a bit dramatic, I would suggest ‘tugged at my sense of responsibility’, because I think it would fit the situation better.
When David’s taken, Lily doesn’t hear anything, which would be expected in a meadow, but when he’s been splashing in the water, it seems odd. He’d been splashing around, and then Lily turned toward the howling, and there’s no mention of a sudden thrashing or even an unexpected quiet, so I would suggest adding one or the other to complete that scene at the beginning.
You say Lily’s tone was one he knew not to ignore, yet directly afterward you say ‘if he wanted to play pranks’ which suggests the opposite. I would clarify that small part; perhaps saying ‘frightened tone, one my brother usually responded to with a characteristic giggle when he play-hid’.
Her parents not finding her was something that bothered me for the rest of the piece once it was said she laid there for days.
You might linger a bit too long on the pain when you return to it with the line ‘It shot through’. Seems repetitive. I think the paragraph would read better by not describing it again, since you already have. ’The most memorable was the pain. But by my fourth day, it..’
The horror of having her feed on her brother was strong. When she leaps backwards, though, she seemed to have no confusion as to why she hungered for him, nor did she take a moment to wonder if she could quench the thirst with water. She immediately jumps back and goes to drinking. That felt like an odd response, and took me out of the piece a bit.
You give excellent descriptions as far as the pain, metamorphosis, and lack of remorse while swept up in the swoon of drinking. The beginning was a bit slow getting started, but I think it reflected the relaxed nature of the children and the ‘horribly forgettable’ day. As a bonus, 08/17/1874 happens to have been a Monday, which can certainly add to the dreaded normalcy of this. Nicely done, btw, as usual!
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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this is the second one that i have read i like your stories a lot. This would be a great book once finished. I like how you decribe how she turns and how everything looks, smells and sounds around her. I think that you’re really good.
Supernatural1 reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this story a lot!!! Your descriptions were wonderful, especially on page 4. i could clearly see everything through her eyes. one thing i was confused about, however, was on page 6, you write, “I discovered I was now unable to consume anything other than warm, fresh blood.” if she doesn’t know she’s a vampire until later on down the page, how does she know she can consume only fresh blood? idk. maybe i missed something there, but it seemed a little odd to me.
otherwise, i think you did a great job!!!
flyawaywitmexo9 reviewed Version 1 -
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In your first paragraph i would fix the way that it was written. for example i would put. August 17th, 1874, should have been a normal, horribly forgettiable but i was the day i would have died. It was the night i turned into a vampire.
again as with all of your papers…amazing.
shanzturn reviewed Version 1 -
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Wonderful story, i look forward to reading more of it. I was very preoccupied though with why had the parents not found them. you mention it at the end of this part, but it jumps out to the reader right away, she can see her house, is laying in a meadow for three day’s yet no one look’s for her?
I also was not sure of your audience, you say young adult, but I’m not sure that is the only audience, or even the appropriate audience. I guess it depends on your interpretation, to me young adult is teen, as that is how it seems to be marketed, and this seems a bit graphic. just my personal opinion.
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