Young Adult / Just Follow me chapter 2 (Analysis)
Chapter 2
Blue eyes gently look down upon me and I jumped back. I turned my face away and dared not to look at him. I didn’t want him to see my tears or my face because the water could have washed away the make-up. He took my right hand in his and I felt how warmth softness of it. I couldn’t fight it anymore and my face shifted towards his.
“Are you okay?” He said after a few moments.
For so long I answered that question with, yes. I shocked myself when I answered with, “No.”
“Hey! Don’t hide from me. It’s obvious that you need help.”
“No one can help me.”
“Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“I…” I almost said right there what has happening to me, but I didn’t I couldn’t tell a stranger, “I can’t tell.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not allowed to.”
“Okay.”
I turned to him and stared with red eyes. Was this guy really here? If you find a girl crying in the park and she doesn’t tell you why, can someone really just say okay?
“What?” He said when I didn’t respond.
“Are you really here?”
“I hope so,” he hugged me, “And this defiantly feels real.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“So you’re not going to tell me what’s going on.”
“No, I’m sorry!”
“Darn.”
“Sorry I just have a long complicated tragic life!”
“It’s all right.”
“What’s your name?”
“Justin. And yours?”
“Amy.”
“Since your not going to tell your secret, will you make it up to me by showing me around town?”
“I’m guessing you’re new here?”
“Yeah, I just got here this morning. I figured after driving I would go for a walk, and I found you.”
“I bet I made a good first impression,” I said sarcastically.
“Meeting a beautiful damsel in distress that I get to help, I couldn’t think of a better way.”
“Ha ha.”
“Are you going to show me around or not?”
“I could try, but I’m not very good with directions.”
“We will find our way!”
“If I get lost, I warned you.”
“I wouldn’t mind getting lost.”
“That’s insane.”
He started to walk away and when I couldn’t hear anymore he whispered, “I wouldn’t mind, because I would be with you.”
I had just meet Justin, but for some reason I started to trust him. He took my hand and led me to his car. I looked behind me at the back seat. It was stuffed with CDs. At the sight of them my eyes widened and my jaw sprang open. Justin glanced over at my expression and broke into laughter.
“You have never seen so many CDs have you?” Justin asked containing his laughter.
“Never!”
“And that’s only the beginning. I have so many more at home.”
“No way!” I commented in disbelief.
“Yup! So what do you want to listen to?”
“You choose.”
“You’re the guest. Who’s your favorite artist?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Oh come on everyone has one.”
“I don’t,” I said wishing he would stop talking.
“What kind of music do you listen to?”
“Only what my friends let me listen to.” Justin looked at me confused. I sighed and told him the truth, “My parents don’t allow me to listen to music.”
“Don’t let you listen to music? No wonder you were crying.”
I started laughing for the first time in so long, “Yeah they are strange.”
“I bet. I don’t think I could live without music for even a day. Here you might like this,” he put a CD on and started playing a song.
AS soon as the song came on my whole body froze up and all I was able to say was, “Oh my god.”
“You know this song?”
“Yeah, I know it.”
“They let you listen to it before?”
I remembered the whole dance that I had made for this song. “I used to listen to music every day of my life. I danced too.”
“You had a dance for this song?” he asked.
“A long time ago.”
“So what changed?”
“Quite honestly, I’m not sure,” I said partially telling the truth.
He saw my expression change and wanted to lighten the mood. “I used to have a whole dance to this song too. I was seven years old and danced with a girl. She was two years younger than me and my first crush. We practiced the dance so many times and I was ready for it to be perfect. Then I went in to kiss her one time and her dad walked in. As fast as he could, he pushed his daughter away from me. I cried for days.”
I started to laugh at Justin’s story. Justin slammed on the break and my body sprang forward. My hand landed on the fast forward button and flipped to the next song. My head hit against the headboard. I jerked it back up and a stingy feeling grew. Justin stopped taking heavy breaths and looked over to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked concerned.
“I’m fine,” I said placing my hand on my head.
“Amy!” he said when he saw the bump. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine. Barely hurts,” I completely lied.
“That was a pathetic lie.”
“Okay, it hurts but I can handle it. I’m a big girl.”
“At least let me get you ice.”
“You really don’t have to.”
“I know, but I think I owe you that.”
I was about to say that he didn’t owe me anything, but I held back. It would be an excuse to stay with him a little longer. So I said, “Okay.”
The car pulled up to a restaurant. He went inside to get me ice and came back with an entire meal. I was shocked that he did but when I looked inside noticed that he picked out my ideal meal of penne pasta. I was impressed but kept that to myself.
We went back to the park where we could both eat since the restaurant was much too crowded. When he wasn’t watching, I stared at him. I spent the whole afternoon completely lost in his personality, that I didn’t even notice his amazing looks. He had semi-curly long brown hair and compelling blue eyes. He was at least six foot, but I was five foot six, was pretty tall. Though I couldn’t see it, I imagined that he would have a six-pack since he look athletic.
He turned and looked at me after a few minutes of silence. His face looked confused so I asked, “What are you thinking about?”
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”
“Never really thought about it? What year are you?
“A junior.”
“You will be going off to college before you know it. Come on, what do you want to be?”
“I don’t know,” I answered again.
“You don’t like to say much about yourself do you?”
“No, no I don’t.”
“Okay well if you could do anything in the world. If no one was in your way, what would you do?”
“I would be a dancer,” I answered without hesitation.
“A dancer?”
“Yeah, but that’s never going to come true. I can’t even listen to music in my own house, let alone dance.”
“I can teach you,” he offered.
“Thanks but no. I don’t want to put you through that trouble.”
“It’s no trouble at all.”
“Trust me you don’t want to do this.”
“Why not?”
“I’m just trouble.”
“I like trouble.”
“I’ve noticed. You randomly came up to a crying girl.”
“You’re a great girl. You are obviously hiding some huge secret.”
I didn’t know how to describe how I felt at that moment. I wanted him to back away from me, to not get involved in this life. For some reason though, I wanted him by my side no matter what the costs. But I knew the risk was too great. “Look, today was great. You are so much fun, just don’t get involved. You probably have a great life. Don’t let me ruin it.”
“I can help, if you just let me.”
“No, no you can’t.”
“Then at least let me try.”
“I’m not going to let you get hurt.”
“I won’t get hurt I am strong,” He said as he flexed his arms. I couldn’t help but to laugh.
“I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you.”
“Why?”
“Please, you don’t understand. That crying thing, it happens every day. Don’t get involved with me because it’s not worth it. You can’t save me no one can. Something happened and the past can’t be erased. I will have to live with the pain of this for the rest of my life, I have no choice. You have a choice, don’t pick the pain.”
“I wish you would just let me help you. You sound like an amazing girl.”
“If there was something that you could do to help I would let you. I’m sorry,” I felt tears start to form in my eyes.
“What happened or happens to you is horrible isn’t it.”
“Even if I was to tell you, I wouldn’t know how to describe it.”
“When I’m upset I always listen to music,” he said pulling out his I-pod.
He took out his I-pod and put one earpiece in my ear and the other in his. I never heard any of these songs before but they were amazing. After the second song I no longer remembered what I just told him. I just felt the feeling of what the artist was portraying in the music. Then he pulled out his speakers and pulled his I-pod in. He got up and started dancing. He was the best dancer I had ever seen. He looked like he was giving a performance on stage instead on the grass for a simple girl.
“It’s you dream to become a dancer right?” He said putting a smirk on his face.
“Yes but that doesn’t mean that I have any idea how to dance.”
“Let’s make that dream come true.”
“You’re a thousand times better than me.”
“Well you don’t know that until you try right.”
“But,” I looked behind me, no one was there. He was staring at me with puppy eyes. “Oh, all right!” I stood up and walked over to him.
“Just dance.”
“I…”
“Look at me. Don’t think. Listen to the music and let the beat flow through you and then just start moving. Don’t care what I think. Just do it.”
And that’s exactly what I did. I closed my eyes let the beat grow in my mind and just started moving. I went left and right, spun around, went up and down, and just moved to the music. When I opened my eyes I noticed that Justin was behind me and we were dancing as if we were one. It was as if our minds thought the same way and each move was perfect. It felt like something that we had practiced for months but it was the first time that we had ever tried it.
I moved out of his grip and went to the I-pod and pulled it out. I put the headphones in my ears and laid my back on the grass. Justin stood over me and pushed the headphones out of my ears and picked me back up. We started dancing again. There was no music playing for the outside world to hear, but for us just being together, we created music louder that any other sound ever made before.
As if reading my thoughts he said, “You don’t need music from headphones or the TV, all you need is your mind, and it will make up the music for you.”
He spun me around and pushed me down so I almost hit the ground. Then, he picked me back up so my lips were only centimeters away from his. I slowly started inching my face into his. When behind him I saw the colors starting to glow in the sky. Sunsets were always so wonderful.
Just as my lips were about to touch his face, I yelled “THE SUNSET!” and jumped back in shock.
“What?” he said surprised.
“I…I have to go home,” I said suddenly frightful.
“But,”
“I’m sorry but I have to go!”
“When will I see you again?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry but I have to go. Goodbye.”
I picked up all my books quickly and started to run home. They were literally going to kill me. I ran a few steps, then felt his arm grab mine and spin me around so that his lips pressed against mine. I had to get home, I told myself, but for some reason I was lost in his kiss. I couldn’t pull away. I didn’t know how long we stayed like that but when he finally pulled away, all the color had faded from the sky. I just ran away. I didn’t say another word because I knew if I did, I would have stayed with him. Staying would be my greatest pleasure, but my also biggest mistake.
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First off I think you should add a few more things like ‘The boy said’, and such. That’s my main problem, I really can’t figure out which one is talking.
“It’s you dream to become a dancer right?” here it needs to be your insted of you.
There are some mistakes but overall I thought you did pretty well.
~Sun
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This needs work, but you are making a good start at learning how to write. You need to go over your story with a dictionary and thesaurus to correct spelling errors and your word usage. Spell check is a great tool, but it won’t correct a word that is used incorrectly even if it’s spelled right.
I was having trouble getting into the story at first, but the more I read, the more I was drawn into it. You’ve created two likable people, one sure of himself, one who is so lacking in confidence in herself that she seems unable to relate to the world. I like the way this changes as the story progresses.
I’m interested in seeing what the sunset means. I obviously need to read chapter one to get an introduction to what is going on.
I liked the dialog between the two characters. It’s a little awkward at times, but with a little bit of work it could be more polished, which you’d need if you want it published.
I liked both the characters. I’m left wondering if they’ll meet again. I am curious as to what the sunset means. I’ll read more of this story as I find it.
Keep working on this.
You clearly have some talent. You’re also tackling a very difficult art form where you have to weave storylines, character development, settings, plots, dialogues, etc. together and make them work.
So,
I know it’s chapter 2 and I haven’t read chapter 1 but I have no real feel for the narrator Amy other than she’s pretty tall, sad and wants to dance. Justin is a little better developed, at least in terms of the physical. But you can work on that in re-writes, which all writers have to do.
A big deal is always punching up the beginnings of things. Your story starts with a sentence that begins in present tense and ends in past tense. That’s not good. Also in the first paragraph, you have another major grammatical error involving the softness of the hand. These must be eliminated.
The story flows fairly well, carried largely by dialogue and it picks up steam the further we go along. However, it was hard to suspend my disbelief in places. For instance, I would expect Amy to freak (I hope) at the sudden appearance of Justin who seems to take a few more familiar liberties with her than she probably should find comfortable. And, though she was bothered, she did permit them.
Also, they did some other things that were out of the blue, for instance, Justin hits the brakes and whacks Amy’s nose but we don’t know why. In the narrative when this occurs, J. has just told Amy about the sad incident between him and his dance partner in his childhood and Amy laughs. My first response was that he had slammed on the brakes in anger and that Amy was in for it now. That wasn’t the case but you probably don’t want to convey that impression. Do you?
Anyway, you’ve the start of something interesting and something young adults would likely find appealling. It needs a little polish here and there. Proofread and re-write for even tone and logical progression of events and I think you’ll see an immediate difference.
very good!! I like it. finish it
i like amy,but its kind of confusing. i like the whole plot to be honost,but i just don’t get it.
DARBY!!! Ok, this chapter was definetly more captivating than the other chapter was, even though it’s shorter.
You have A LOT of diaglouge, and you are definetly getting better at teh details with dialouge thing, but you still need more. You’re talking just a little too much. Try to show more, it will add more density to your story. Like, for example, what they’re thinking when they said something, or for somebody who’s not thinking, the expresion they have on their face, or what they did in reaction to what somebody else said. Simple movements can show a lot about a persons personality.
Also, your exclamation points at the end of certain dialouge is driving me crazy! exclamation point means that you’re really excited about something, voice raised, almost screaming. With a comma, you can keep it simple, and than add something to the end to give that in between happy kind of exclamation.
Lastly, your tense still needs a bit of work. Go back and just check to make sure you’re in past tense. It’s easier if you read aloud (that’s what I do) because you catch mistakes easier.
Other than that, this is SO MUCH better than the first. AWESOME JOB DARBY!!!
I don’t know if you have a proofreader, but it doesn’t seem so. At this point in your writing, that’s what I would look for most. Even when you read over your own work- the problem is you read what you meant to write, not what you -actually- wrote. A few examples that a proofreader could have caught for you- “I felt how warmth softness of it” (“I felt the warm softness,” or “I felt how warm and soft it was.”) Or, in several of your longer sentences, they lack internal punctuation. (An easy rule- not always right, but it helps- is to try saying the sentence aloud, as if you were reading it. Notice where you pause- for emphasis or breath. Put commas there.) Also, you slip in and out of the active voice/present tense- a problem even experienced writers have.
My other suggestion would be to think of your favorite writers in this genre- young adult fiction. Go back and re-read some of their work. Try to take it apart a little as you read it. Why do you like that character- why this chapter? What is good about the pacing here? Try to take that, and apply it to your own work, as you can.
Keep trying to raise your bar for yourself- longer chapters- more action. Show, don’t tell. Above all, keep writing.
Really interesting chapter. Romantic, mysterious, promising, definitely kindles the imagination and desire for more story.
I like it.
Keep the chapters coming.
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