Action Adventure / Prologue and Chapter 1 for Masters: In The Beginning (Analysis)

Prologue

        “Run, I’ll hold them off as long as I can!” One of the heads in the darkness chanted something I couldn’t hear. “You three get out of here-”

          An energy wave hit me on the left side of my ribs. Blood spilled from my mouth as I coughed. Even though it was apparent a few more of these hits would’ve sent me down for the count, I had to save them. They were my only family left.

          I barely caught the shadow of one of them flashing by and plowing me in the cheek bone. Stars circled my head as I lay there on the cold ground, dying and helpless. There was too many of them. My power was far less than theirs. All I could have done was wait.

          Hope had become my friend after all those years. It started in a park, my quest. I never guessed my life would’ve been taken over by it, or it being what caused the death of me. Life was a precious thing back then.

          ”Please,” I begged them with my last heavy breaths. “Please stop this.”

          My loved ones had left me there as I requested. I only dream of them bringing help back. Peace caught a hold of my thoughts as they, the Corrupted Ones, brutally tortured me.

          As I was told me long ago, my life began flashing before my eyes. It all started with the silly, old heater where Jessica used to live. I rarely thought of her as a mother anymore.

Chapter 1

        “What the hell is wrong with this stupid heater?” I complained, “I’m freezing my butt off all day and night, for what? Jerry to make a few extra bucks? We never should have moved out to this trailer dump.”

        Jerry is my step-dad that acts like he can tell me what to do but I pretty much just tell him to back off. Lately, things have been getting worse. It used to be little comments like “you need more friends” and now it’s anything from brutal, to nonconstructive criticism. I don’t know how I got stuck with such a bad replacement for my father and home. The father who I never knew. Nobody even knows how he died, or at least they haven’t told me.

        I was throwing a bit of a temper because of the fact that my house is bellow thirty degrees Fahrenheit! Well, it’s not necessarily a house, more like a cheap single wide trailer. From the left end is the kitchen. To the right of the kitchen (when just stepping in the door) is the living room. We have really cheap blue furniture that is almost falling apart. In my younger days I tore it up by everything from jumping on it to just stabbing it with scissors. Then to the right of the living room is the hallway leading to the bathroom, and both bedrooms.

        The annoying heater, which is almost twenty years old, kicks on about once a day, twice if I’m lucky. It’s supposed to work every fifteen minutes but the years of wear and tare have deeply affected it. If I used the amount of blankets that would equal the temperature that my trailer is supposed to be, I would suffocate!

        Even though this place isn’t your typical “crib,” it has an alright backyard. I haven’t had much time to go back there with the whole weather thing but as soon as spring comes, I won’t step foot in this place. Unless of course I need to sleep, eat, or use the restroom. There is always a hose out there where I could drink from.

        “Wake up!” yelled Jessica,”You are going to be late for school!”

        “Yes mother.” I smirked back to her.

        The blanket made a muffled dropping sound when I tossed it to the floor. It took a second, but when I came to open my eyes, there were major bags around them. Staying up on school nights probably had something to do with it!

        Slowly, I stood up and waddled trying to make it across my room but stopped in front of a mirror. There was a nasty purple bruise on my left arm right after the shoulder! I winced in pain when feeling the horrific spot! It probably came from moving and dropping a box or even bumping it somewhere.

        In the middle of rubbing the bruise, I began feeling my semi-muscular arms. I’m not a bulky body builder but my decent sized muscles went good with the blond hair of mine. I wanted to work on my tan for a while to make it a little         more obvious I had been working out but the weather was pretty bad that winter. Even though darker skin would be great, most blond-haired and blue-eyed people like me have paler skin.

        Now finding stuff in my room was a challenge! Most of the things were in boxes and the rest were strung out all over the floor! The only time I had at the time was dedicated to hanging my very dear posters!

        I was taking my time because it was the first day of school and everyone was new to me! We moved into the trailer at the beginning of winter break. Unfortunately, it flew by faster than I ever intended!

        After putting on my old black t-shirt with worn out graphics and some holed up jeans, I trotted into the kitchen for something to eat. There wasn’t a clean bowl in the whole room! Finally, I gave up and grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet above the sink.

        Jerry was sitting at the table giving me a dirty look so I grunted at him when sitting down. When he glares at me in that way, a crease forms in his forehead causing his curly brown hair and bushy dark eyebrows to move up a little. His bright red lips get smaller but you can’t really tell how bright they are due to his freakishly dark tan from staying in the sun to long! He works at a construction site and hardly ever is in shade!

        “What’re you grunting at?’ Jerry boomed.

        Instead of answering, I looked down to my snack while taking my time to open it. Usually I fight back with him but it just gets old sometimes. I got the vibe he was getting annoyed from feeling like him and his comment meant nothing to me.

        “Well?” He broke the silence. “Are you planning on answering me sometime today?”

        I stood up real fast then tossed my wrapper into the trashcan near the pantry. Turning my back to him, I began walking to the living room trying to avoid the situation escalating.

        “I can’t deal with this right now.” My mumble was almost a whisper.

        “That’s exactly what I’d expect coming from Damian’s kid!” He laughed, pleased with himself.

        ”How dare you talk about Damian!.” I was ready to hurt him, “You didn’t even know my father. And from what I hear, he was a lot better than you!”

        The table flipped sideways as the drunk man stood from his chair. “You know what little brat-”

        “Oh, just leave the poor kid alone.” Jessica interrupted knowing I was in for a pounding,” He’s under enough pressure as it is! A new school with no friends, the last thing he needs is to come home to an even worse environment then school!”

        “Give me a break, I’m just trying to toughen him up a bit!” Jerry replied while picking up the broken bowl from his cereal being tipped onto the floor.

        “Hey Jason, I think the bus is here!” Jessica yelled not realizing I was in the other room.

        “Alright, alright.” I Replied, “no need to shout!”

        “Good luck! Oh yeah, your lunch money!” She giggled, “Silly me, I almost forgot! Well, here you are!”

        She had a closed fist and held it over my opened hand. Then, without warning, she unclenched her palm. A lot of loose change fell into my hand! Taking a closer look, I realized that it was nickels and dimes!

        “Mom!” I screeched, “What are people going to say when they see this?”

        “I’m sorry honey, I just haven’t cashed my check this week.” She said quietly.

        “It’s fine, whatever. I love you and will see you after school.” I said bluntly.

        “I love you too-” She was cut off by me slamming the front door.

        The bus was way overly crowded. There was only one whole seat on the bus where one person was occupying it. She had red hair, glasses, and a bad case of acne. I have nothing against people like her but everyone else did. It was obvious because there were seats with as much as four people in them! When I walked next to her I realized she was beautiful but it was hard to recognize from beneath the damaged skin. The whole ride we didn’t even so much as exchange looks. She sat on the far inside and I sat on the far outside. Her line of vision stayed staring out the window almost like she wanted to be out there. The bus came to a stop and kids began swarming out of the door. I tried to say bye to her when we stepped off the bus but she was nowhere to be found!

        The schedule was so weird! I can’t remember exactly what it looked like but I remember not being able to read it. Luckily even though I was late, the teacher was late too. She probably wouldn’t have counted me tardy but I didn’t want a bad start with my favorite class, world history!

        When I took my seat, there was work written on the white board up front. It was telling us to complete an assignment on page 465 in the text books but I already did this at my other school. So instead of completing my bell work, I sat there with my head on my desk daydreaming.

        I couldn’t help but remember moving into the trailer and going outback! I would climb the tree in the middle of my yard. It was bigger than the rest and made me feel like a king to my whole backyard.

        Suddenly, while I was climbing the tree in my daydream, I remembered seeing a glare on what looked like some jewelry or even a C.D.. Right as I was going to hop down to take a closer look, my mom called me in to help unpack some boxes.

        I couldn’t stop thinking about the mysterious glare! My mind kept racing on all the possibilities it could be! I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t know what it was right then and there.

        WHACK! I felt a slimy wad of paper hit the back of my head. Laughter soon followed from the back of the classroom.

        “Hey, why don’t you watch where you’re spitting those?” I said while turning back to them.

        “What’re you going to do about it?” The largest guy in the group said while standing up.

        “Return the favor!” I yelled.

        Standing up, instead of spitting a wad of paper at him, I threw a desk! It flew so fast and smashed right into his chest! I didn’t even know I had that type of strength. Before he could get up, I was on top of him attempting to make his face into a soup.

        I sat down on him and my left hand held him down by his neck while my right arm did the damage! His eyes squinted every time my fist made contact with his cheek. I could feel his body jerk back as I hit him harder every time. Tears began forming in his eyes but he was too out of breath to cry! I never knew what made me so angry with this kid. Heck, I didn’t even know if it was him who threw the piece of paper. On about the seventh punch, the teacher stepped in the door, so much for my good start in that class…

        ”Get off him!” Hesitantly, I stood up obeying her wishes.

        Mrs. Dolphin helped the bully to his feet, and then examined the cut on his forehead. She shook her head in disapproval.

        “Why don’t you go down to the nurses?” Mrs. Dolphin said in her beautiful voice but went cold while talking to me, “And you mister! I normally give warnings out to new students, but this is unacceptable! Come up to my desk!”

        I followed close behind her but didn’t show emotion trying to keep my cool. I didn’t even bother telling her about the spit wad.

        She pulled an office referral sheet from her desk and snatched a pen from one of the cups sitting next to her computer. The first thing she wrote was the date and my name. In the spot with larger room to write, she scribbled “walked in on new student, Jason Stump, fighting with Bradley Stewart. Bradley was not the aggressor in the fight.”

        “What? No! You don’t understand, he was the one who started-”

        “Sir, I’m sorry but you are going to have to take responsibility for what you have done!” She cut me off.

“Yeah but he spit-”

        “I don’t want to hear it!” She handed the piece of paper to me, “Take this and go down to the office.”

        “It’s not fair!” I slammed the door while walking out.

        On the way down to the office, I thought about what I had done. It made me feel sorry for him when realizing what I did but then again, I needed to get the word out that Jason Stump wasn’t about to be the bully target for anyone. If I let one person get away with it, soon enough the whole school would be trying to take advantage of me! That type of reputation just wasn’t needed.

        Stepping into the office, I sat down in one of the chairs in front of the principal’s desk.

        “And you are?” He asked while adjusting his glasses.

        “Jason, Jason stump.”

        “And you’re here for?” He took a sip from his coffee.

        “Some kid spit a wad of paper at me so I put him in his place.”

        “Why didn’t you just tell the teacher instead?” He replied drawing all his attention toward me.

        “I’m not a little girl that cries and tells the teacher.” I laughed.

        “Wouldn’t you have been better off right now if you didn’t send him to the nurses?”

        “Maybe so.” I sounded annoyed, “Look, I don’t have all day so can you just do your job and let me out of here?”

        “How about you just relax in my office until school lets out and start over fresh tomorrow?”

        “How about you just expel me so I don’t have to worry about coming back to this horrible place?”

        “Let’s not get carried away, you’re obviously shaken up from being here.” The weird thing was, he was completely calm and I couldn’t get him to crack!

        Arriving home later that evening, I remembered about how I was obsessed with the twinkle coming from the shiny figure. Just as I sat down on the couch and wanted to take a nap, I threw on my shoes and went outback!

        It was nowhere to be found! I tried every prospective to retrace my steps. Finally, after what felt like hours, my shoe tripped over a lump on the ground! I sat onto my knees and began digging around it with my fingers! Clump after clump of dirt came from the sides.

        I put all of my weight into leaning away from it while still holding on and it didn’t budge. Then I tried jerking away while putting all my body strength in it. Eventually, it gave out and sent me onto my back!

        The title to the book was “Master” written in beautiful golden letters. I ran inside to wash it off with a damp cloth so I could get a closer look. It was a gorgeous brown book with an outline in gold just like the letters.

        I immediately opened it to the first page. The curiosity was getting to me! The page looked something like this:

Grimoire: Black Magic and Witchcraft

Spell 1: Shiengheitah

(Shing-high-tuh)

Description: The power to levitate.

Spell lasts for thirty seconds.

          ”What a joke!” I laughed loudly, “The power to levitate? Who would believe this nonsense?”

          I was ready to dismiss the book but kept reading. There were so many spells! The power to fly, copy yourself, talk to animals, and many more! One caught my attention, it said:

Spell 47 Khentwaughek

(ken-twa-k)

Description: The power to shoot

a short bolt of electricity

from your hand.

Spell lasts until electricity

finds a way to ground

itself.

          ”You know what? You’re lucky I found this spell. If it wasn’t for me being really interested in electricity, I would be throwing you away right now.” I actually spoke to the book like it could hear me! “I’ll give one good try at this then that’s it. You’re in the trashcan if this is a joke.”

          I began laughing as I felt so ridiculous! Picking up the grimoire, I sat it in my left arm. The book was crested by my palm, arm, and chest. My fingers wrapped around it just out of the way of the spells. I took a step with my left foot to make it a little in front of my right. I was ready, nothing could knock me over!

          ”Here goes nothing!” I said while getting ready, “Khentwaughek!”

          I projected my voice while throwing my right palm away from my chest and pushing the open fist upwards. Sitting there for a while, it was certain the spell didn’t work. I shook my hand just a little as if to give a boost to the spell. Maybe it sat out in the cold to long and needed to warm up? It was a little depressing when the lightning spell didn’t work but then again, it was just a dumb old book I found in my backyard.

          ”Maybe I pronounced it wrong?” I couldn’t help but think of all the possibilities.

          Standing back into the formation, I was going to give another shot at it! Instead of saying the beginning like a “ken,” I yelled “keen!”

          ”Khentwaughek (keen-twahk)!” I screamed.

          Once again, nothing happened! I figured as much, it was just a fake book. But then again, was it my stance? What was I doing wrong?

          ”What the hell is wrong with this thing?” I yelled and hit the cover of the book.

          I wanted it to work so much! “If only I could get some excitement into my life” even though I knew it would probably never work, I was on the edge of begging for it to! All I wanted was just a shock, even a spark would be good enough! Something, just something!

          Finally, I started blurting out different words that could even semi-fit the pronunciation key. It was like every “k” word that came to mind!

          I gave up, it was just too hard! Putting the book away beneath my bed, I laid down. Tears were creeping through my eyes and forming puddles on the bottom of my eyelids. A horrible feeling came over me as I dwelled over the fact of it not working. It wasn’t apparent to me why I wanted the spell to work so dearly but it just had to! There was a special vibe that came from the book. The feeling of it breathing like it was alive. The book was almost telling me not to give up! I wanted to keep trying but couldn’t!

          Hours went by, still nothing. The clock in my bedroom kept ticking, one after another. Still nothing, every possibility was tried already!

          Believe it or not, I figured it out! The book had a bad pronunciation key! Where it says “twahk,” the “ah” makes an “o” sound like in “clock!” Standing up, I prepared to give it one last go!

          ”Kehntwaughek (ken-twock)!” I boomed.

          It took a second, but I started to feel some energy build up in my left arm (where the book was)! The energy grew stronger, stronger, stronger! Then the feeling began crawling up my arm through my chest! It reached my right shoulder and streamed down my arm, past the elbow, to my palm!

          I thrust my open hand, with my fingers pointing upward, out and way from my body. Crack! Crack! Crack! The biggest bolt of electricity I had ever seen came from my hand! It launched itself from me out to midair!

          The weirdest thing happened; the electricity went into my vent near the ceiling! Then, the heater began working! The lightning actually fixed the old rusty heater! I was going to have a lot of fun from here on out. Or, at least I thought.

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spiritualdeciple avatar General Stranger

July 15, 2008

spiritualdeciple

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Weaver avatar General Stranger

June 20, 2008

Weaver

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chelly avatar General Stranger

June 06, 2008

chelly

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
chelly reviewed Version 2 - Read 42% of the Item

So, I didn’t finish the story because I lost interest. I’m sure that this could be a good story after you do some rewriting and polish it up. You have exclamation points everywhere. They really aren’t necessary to get a point across.Also alot of your sentences can be shortened and say the same thing, only smoother.
i.e.” Even though it was apparent a few more of these hits would’ve sent me down for the count, I had to save them. They were my only family left.”
maybe try something like: “With a body weak from injuries, I was determined to save what was left of my family.”  Or something along those lines to eradicate unnecessary wording.
The self description was good and allowed the reader to see the character.
Just keep plugging away and I think you will have a good thing here.

musicislife avatar Random Review

June 06, 2008

musicislife

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Eynigma avatar General Stranger

June 06, 2008

Eynigma

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JEK avatar General Stranger

June 06, 2008

JEK

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oknapp avatar General Stranger

June 06, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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darkwriter avatar General Stranger

June 06, 2008

darkwriter

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BigMamaMags avatar General Stranger

March 30, 2008

BigMamaMags

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BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I thought that this was a really good beginning. The flashback after he was hit, filled in a lot of background information that made your character, Jason, better to understand. His finding the grimoire was good foreshadowing of things to come as well as helps in explaining your opening lines. Your plot has not fully evolved, but this will come. Jason is relatable for most people which will cause interest in what happens to him. On page 2 of 12 in the third sentence, I think if you reverse the words it would sound better ie. now it’s anything from non-constructive criticism to brutality.4 of 12 commenting about the bowls. Maybe something like – there wasn’t a clean bowl to be found. 12 of 12- wanted to keep trying but couldn’t. Maybe add—the book kept call to me and finally I gave in, determined to make it work. Just some ideas. Good Luck.

Jacamo avatar General Stranger

March 26, 2008

Jacamo

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SoonToBeAuthor115

Age: 15
Loc: KC, MO
Gen: M
Last Login: July 05
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