I faulter,
As I sway
In the waves of their torment.
They hate me,
They defile me
In the worst possible ways.
They know nothing of me,
Nor of the rebellion
Slitting my soul,
A razor
Thru the deepest part of me.
I am soon to implode,
To retalliate
And it will not be
Because I care.
My love for them
Is my ending
And I am wrought
On a burning pyre.
Ever ridiculed
By their damned nation.
Cursing them
I bare no fear.
May I see the light
From so deep,
Within the blood engorged catacombs
Of my heart?
My throat rebells
From screaming,
As I am left
Alone.
Bleeding on the inside.
And the screaming. . .
O how I long
Just to forgive
As I am merely
A regret.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 180 word review has not been unlocked.
The way you speak should never be changed- for that is a part of who you are. And in your writing that should shine forth, as this one does. Your writing is intense, and full of feelings of hurt, and pain. Like what you said ” I am soon to implode” it’s like your feelings are so bottled up they burst on your insides. I loved your poem and found it very well written.
old tyme spelling is cool. but faulter is a noun. it cannot be used as a verb. i know you said not to mention that but you meant in regards to spelling. not definition. when they DID use that word it wasn’t used like that.
intial thoughts were that it seems to from the perspective of a sort of king, or leader who is conflicted on a grand scale by something on the world importance scale.
then it seemed, at the end, that this was just an orphan or bastard with delusions of grandeur. i enjoyed it more when it was proud.
as far as the other side of the looking glass… it’s not just glass, its a mirror and i enjoy my reflection.
Nice, you utilise the broken stanzas well and i actually think it was a good choice to display the poem in this fashion. Apart from the first of your double question marks. (From so deep? is the ? necessary)I can see partly why but it breaks up the piece in the wrong place for me personally. You have certinaly achieved your last goal for me. A brilliant approach to highlighting the black sheep among the flock of normality.
Keep it up!
Overall, your use of mis-spelled or “olde tyme” words does not inhibit the context of this poem. One suggestion is below:
- May I see the light
From so deep? <--- “May” seems oddly placed here. With the context of the poem, the narrator being inhibited by captures, perhaps using: can, would, will; in place of “may” to create a different meaning to these lines.
My love for them
Is my ending
And I am wrought
On a burning pyre.
Your use of the word “wrought” conjures conflicting images. You talk of an ending and a pyre is a method of destruction and carries the image of that ending. However, the word “wrought” means to produce something and because of that, it creates a contradiction and confusion.
May I see the light
From so deep?
Within the blood engorged catacombs
Of my heart?
The use of the word “may” doesn’t work as it implies that you’re asking for permission. And I know you had intended to have broken lines, but this is a wonderful image and its hindered by the ”?” after “deep” – I think this would be a much stronger and complete image by removing the first ”?”
My throat rebells
From screaming,
As I am left
Alone.
How does your throat rebel? Are we talking about pain, loss of your voice, what? I think there’s a better way to describe what you mean here. If you are talking about the loss of your voice, again, you create a wonderful and complex image as your are abandoned by everything including your voice. But unless you lead the reader to that fact, the impact is lost. “Rebel” could mean so many things here.
And the use of the word “screaming” twice and so close together dilutes your point.
And I love this:
O how I long
Just to forgive
As I am merely
A regret.
Overall, I liked this piece but, as stated above, there are some items that require some attention. Good luck!
To implode implies that you will retaliate inward, against yourself. It makes sense from the direction you are taking. What choice does the narrator have?
“Within the blood engorged catacombs
Of my heart?” is an excellent example of the wonderfully vivid language. Great imagery!
The narrator is an aborted baby? Quite a different point of view!
Beautifully written! Thank you.
To show you what it’s like to be on the other side of the looking glass? I don’t know what you meant by that. Well in your notes you said you meant for it to be hard to read and well it was. But reading it out loud made it a lot easier. it was a good poem about a strong turmoil. I know you said to not critique your spelling or word choice but at one point you said “damned nation” and I wasn’t sure if you meant an actually damned country or damnation.
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Ratings & Rankings| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |
Review item
Add to faves
