Thank you very much for your kind words.
Romance / KomalixMedli (Revised) (Analysis)
Small, ebony wings worked furiously against the rushing island winds as the Prince Komali soared gracefully in the cerulean skies. Clenched in his beak was a freshly picked, fuchsia flower; it’s petals glistening brightly. The Prince strained to fight the rushing winds of Dragon Roost Isle as the large chunk of land came into view. A smile played across his face as he heard the first gentle plucking of Medli’s harp. As he neared the island, Medli appeared on the edge of the cliff face; harp in hand, fingers dancing across it’s metallic surface. Komali extended his back legs and grasped onto the cliff, his wings folding back into his sides. Medli continued to play, but turned to him and smiled in recognition. Komali sighed as he removed the flower from his beak, nothing but the sweet songs of Medli’s harp could render him so calm. As the final pitches faded into the wind, Medli strapped the harp to her back and put her hands on her lithe hips.
“And just where have you been Prince Komali?” She said playfully, a smile playing across her tanned face. Komali grinned and held out the flower to his friend.
“I wanted to thank you… For helping me get my wings.” He motioned towards his sun-kissed plummage, some ruffled as he stretched his arms. Medli grinned and took the flower from Komali’s extended fingers.
“You shouldn’t thank me. It’s my job as your attendant. And besides, Link was the real savior.” She pulled the petals to her heart and gazed at it lovingly. “The flower is really pretty though. Thank you.”
Prince Komali’s face fell slightly, but he smiled still. A strong breeze hinted with the salty smell and taste of the ocean fell around them and ruffled the feathers on both pairs of wings. The sun shone in the mid-afternoon sky and warmed the ground beneath it. A pair of seagulls soared swiftly across the sky and tousled Medli’s hair as they flew past. A giggle escaped her lips and she patted the flower with her small hand.
“I should continue my practice. You… Can stay, and listen if you want.” She murmured hesitantly, a nervous note in her softspoken words. Komali’s grin returned and he sat on the cool surface of the cliff.
“I’d be honored.” He said gently as Medli pulled out her golden-skinned harp. The suns shone on it’s surface, and Medli’s fingers began to dance. Slowly at first, adjusting to the new tune she played. The sweet notes of the strings surrounded both Rito Tribe members as the song floated up and around the island. Komali hummed lightly to the tune, it’s serenity relieving him of any and all stress. Perhaps, even though he was a prince, and Medli was in fact his attendant, they could remain friends until the notes of the harp were long forgotten in the memories of both.
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TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 1 -
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Seems like a reasonable start, and you certainly show talent for mixing the real world with fantasy. I would recommend you go back through this and make it more ambient. You have the beginnings of a good setting, but it lacks atmosphere at the moment. You tell the reader what is happening: seagulls flying, sun shining, but it feels like you are just telling not really involving the reader. The use of sensual phrases like the strong wind with the salty smell and taste of ocean are good but could be better. Don’t just say the wind tasted and smelled of salt, say that Prince Komali smelled and tasted the salt on the strong wind. And the wind doesn’t just have to be strong, it could buffet him, it may be tugging at his hair, making his eyes water, whatever, I hope you understand what I’m getting to.
I liked how romance was clear but not totally in your face. Medli hesitating was subtle enough, but perhaps the last line is a bit obvious? It’s basically saying that Komali loves Medli, but they may not be able together. At least, that’s what it says to me. Maybe you could make it less definite, or leave it out altogether?
Anyway, it isn’t bad by any means, so stick at it. I hope I’ve been of at least some help.
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JEK reviewed Version 1 -
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It would be nice to know a little more about the setting of your story. I feel lost trying to figure things out. Is there an earlier version? It’s got bags of potential though, and you seem to write ok. Keep going and good luck.
Robin55 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure what kind of persons or creatures these are, but the emotions are obvious and this is a very intriguing story. I’d like to read more of it. Is there more? The use of description and word phrases is very good and I think that this would be something publishable if there were a full story to it. Nice work.
pearlbear reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a sweet story. It’s intriguing, and the setting is unusual. I like the descriptions of the two characters, and their connection and mutual fondness is palpable.
I think it could be quite a bit longer – there seems to be so much story here, and I’d like to hear more – not necessarily in detail, but even in intimations. How did they meet? What is the nature of the prince, who is Medli?
Keep going! I’d love to read more.
db_metallo reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry, you appear to write well, but this wasn’t exactly my cup of tea.
A couple of tips:
watch your overuse of adverbs… gives a beginning writer away all the time.
When presenting your work on the Internet, you might want to consider inserting a line break between your paragraphs. It makes the pages much more readable and presentable. Don’t take my word for it – try it and see.
Au revoir,
Danny
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