Young Adult / Love (snippet from Drowning Roses)

   I read in my father’s journal about his first kiss—his first love. How he felt when Ms. Lillian Walker came to him crying and he held her as her body shook with soft butterfly sobs.
   I read about how he breathed in the smell of her hair; that faint smell of apples and cinnamon lingering in the air even after she was gone. She reminded him of a swan—graceful and beautiful. She also reminded him of an ugly duckling with her heart wounded in some way.
   He could feel her body shaking and he felt her tears slide down her cheek and onto his neck. He would hold her tighter and tried to think of things to say. He couldn’t find any. His heart shattered as he held her and her heart pounded as if she were running.
   I read how he finally lifted up her face to look in his eyes, how he watched the tears tremble on her eyelashes and finally fall onto her cheek. He wrote how he kissed the tears away, how the kiss lingered on her lips, how he held her so carefully in his arms because he was afraid she would break. ‘I will never love anyone like this—not the way that I love Lillian.’ he wrote.
   I read about my father falling in love.

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Reviews

July 06, 2008

HermiG

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
10	100.0% (8 votes)	37.5%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Norway	November 12

HermiG reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

That was very cute! I don’t see how that can’t be classified as something for a “young adult”.

While this is very well written (very poetic), I don’t get what you’re trying to say with it. Is it just a snap shot of someone falling in love? Wouldn’t it then be better to write her/his father’s journal entry? In the end of the last sentence, I half expected something like “I read about my father falling in love and wished I could do the same”. People usually don’t talk about something unless they have their own opinion to add (or gives a reason for why they want to tell you about it). The same applies for stories and similar.