Poetry / Love at First Laugh

first stanza is hysterical. although, it could use a question mark.

“And half of me is wasting.”—“wasted” maybe? nor not.  still hysterical.

next stanza takes a pretty sharp turn. not sure if i like it.  but the following two lines of the “devil sweating boiling water” picks up again nicely.  this chick is hot.  got it.

“And pull out the lint,
To prevent
Self ignition.”—this is good.  at this point, i’d consider tearing out the 3rd stanza.  the play on “hotness” is getting dangerously redundant, and lines like this are powerful enough, and funny enough, to hold the thought.

“black cat that swims,
In a pool of
Black pens.”—good but it read odd to me.  ”black pens?”  how about “ink?”  hmmm…

final stanza kind of trails off.  it’s ok, but it’s not leaving me super satisfied.  

overall-

funny, fast, good.  i enjoyed this.  

Aw, this is one of the sweetest poems I have ever read. The first stanza made me laugh – the word “face” totally caught me off-guard. Thanks for being original. =]
All I suggest is putting the stanzas into the same number of lines each – just makes it easier to read. Also, maybe a few more consistent rhymes. I really enjoyed it, thanks again for writing about love in such an easygoing and honest way. Great job! =]

“’d like to thank your mother,
And father
For putting one inside the other,
And nine months later,
Birthing a girl that does cater
To my gaze.”......HA…that was awesome…greatly scribed….love the whole flow of the piece…the ideas are thought provoking….love that about it…love pieces that do that….get you to think…that is what true writers should strive to do….much respect….kwest.

I like parts of this but some of it needs work:
The first stanza is good.
The second stanza: don’t understand the “wasting.”
“The devil couldn’t get any hotter if he sweated boiling water” sounds redundant and unimaginative. I would keep the concept but change the image/wording.
I don’t really understand “so I can try to clone an imitation…” why would you try? You seem to be describing this woman as unique.
“pool of black pens” doesn’t make sense. Maybe “black ink”?
The last stanza was very interesting; I think you mean “Orion” not “Orion’s.”

great poem.  very funny and i think your description of the poem is spot on.  nice job

I think was a very sweet love poem. But, the third eighth stanza about the black cat was little off and confusing. I think you could add something else to replace that stanza but otherwise I thought this poem was fantastic and very sweet.

I like it, is lighthearted. It would make good lyrics as well. x

I really don’t get what you are saying. It looks like a stream of conscience poem which is both imaginative and helpful. I do this all the time and then i take it and re do it. Poetry can consist of anything. However it must tell a little story that the reader can comphrend. I think this could be about children playingY

Your skin commends
A murderer for his sins. -—-——Skin cannot commend. It doesn’t think or talk.
And no one has anything
On your flesh nearly combusting
The first stanza is fine. I like it However you lose me on the rest. You seem to switch gears. Please go back and look at it and try to make a little story out of it.
Maybe go with the them that this girl is something special. List all things that are special about her and then make up a little story. I can give you an example:
1. Your laughter can light up a room of darkness. This is a simple sentence and says a lot.
Note:you hear laughter not see it.
2. Your eyes twinkle like the million stars in the heavens—I simplified this line. See how much it says and how potent it is. Let’s revamp some more sentences:
I would hate for someone so young to leave the world. You are like no other. Your countenance is like a sunbeam in a cornflower blue sky. Your hair would have Botichelli(a famous  impressionist painter artist) reaching for his brushes.

Now this poem would be remembered it it had a few catch phrases like this. I do not mean to offend. I want to help you make something beautiful out of this. I believe you can, ok. You can use these lines. I gave them to you. Now build on what i have given you and re-send. Respectifully Sandi K.

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June 22, 2008

by GreenIguana

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To be honest I disagree with Sandi. I think her suggestions sound like clichees.

October 08, 2008

by oknapp

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Of coures you do. I wasted all thought and made my carpal tunnel worse to get a comment like this. Oh well, why put it up here then?

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HI!
thank you i got a laugh out of this one..
I think it’s a great poem to charm a girl you want to go out with..
it’s really witty,and that’s always a good quality..
i think it would need some work to make it publishable, but it portrays a talented person..

good work..

This is good.  

I would suggest changing the title because I passed it in the que like seventeen times because of how silly I thought the title was.

I don’t know why face is it’s own line (in stanza one).  I would change that because it feels like there is no reason why it should be alone.

I think the second to last stanza is pretty cheesy and could be removed without doing any damage to your poem.  I like the simile alright, but the part about her laughter lightening a darkened room feels cliche.

About the last stanza – I like it but I feel the grammar is a tad off.  I would suggest changing “can be” to would be, or might be or even better could’ve been.  And finally Orion’s what?  Is it his belt, his dog, his feet, his torso?  Orion’s what?

Good luck with revision on this one