Poetry / Death of Insanity (Analysis)

Wow. I liked the rhyming. It makes it flow. I really enjoyed the way you used insanity as something to be desired. It gives it an odd quality, that I must say, is rather nice.
Overall, thumbs up. Very nice.

LR

What a strongly emotion-ridden poem! the personal voice gives power to this poem. I don’t really consider myself to be good at poem critiques, am still improving, learning to look and think in all areas of poetry, although i love to write poetry. As i was reading, i was thinking maybe you could add some imagery to show and illustrate how psychotic you would consider urself to be ( that is, if that is what you are saying in the poem) also what provokes such thoughts and breeds this insanity? Thats all i can think of right now. Good job on this poem!

It is a good poem, but I don’t like how some standzas are rhyming and others are not.  The ones that are no seem more serious and spoke to me more.  I actually felt I knew the other and her/his feelings better.  I think that the rhymning sections made the poem feel too playful and witty instead of deep.  Overall I think this is one of the best poems I have read on Urbis.  

It seems you’re in touch enough with your subject to have included more detail than written to create a more engrossing read. But for being scarce it worked. Did that make any sense at all? Hopefully. Insanity’s a fun one, don’t skimp on it!

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June 18, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

Thank you kindly for your comment and I look foward to
reading something of yours!

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I loved your poem.  I liked the flow of it, and the message is great.  You have an essence of insanity throughout it, just by the words and phrases you use.  Great job.

There are several issues with this piece that you need to work on.

Form: Although you do stick to a specific stanza and rhyming scheme, there’s no consistent rhythm. If you want to have a poem as structured as this rhythm is a very important consideration. One option would be: (for example)

Now here I am,
Internal hate,
My prison cell,
The lack of fate

The third line has been changed to match the rhythm of the others, ‘weak strong weak strong,’ or iambic dimeter.

Plot and conflict: There is no real evolution of emotion over the poem, and although you could say that the central conflict is the protagonist against himself or his angst, it doesn’t really change; it doesn’t get set off and doesn’t evolve. To provoke interest and sympathy in a poem as long as this, you must develop the conflict to be more definite and poignant.

Imagery: The whole piece is far too abstract. Freedom, the soul, insanity, and fate are subjects best approached through vivid illustration and specific, grounded references to a situation or scene; otherwise, they’re completely meaningless and lack any impact on the reader. ‘I’m sad and insane, and my thoughts are bothering me.’ ‘So what?’

You have potential, and room for a lot of growth. Keep writing!

This is really good actually.

It has a good erm…. flow and rhythm to it and I enjoyed it because it was a quick read. Your wording is great and it has definite potential to be published although I think there will be afew critics out there who’ll say this is cliche but I don’t think so…

Keep up the good work

Amy

This is a powerful poem but I think you could make it even better by using words to increase the imagery of what you are trying to convey rather than just using words because they rhyme.

This verse does not seem to flow as well as the others:

So who am I,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time just might show,
Who am I now,
Personal foe.

Maybe considering changing it to something like:

So who I am,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time will show,
Now, who am I
Personal Foe.

Just a little wordplay makes it flow a lot better and lends to the imagery as well because you are not  focusing on what was off with the verse.

I think that the concept is wonderful and the way you have described an obvious deep rooted turmoil is fantastic as well.

Keep writing you have talent.

This was a realy good poem in my opinion. I could sense the giving in to insanity. And the only thing was it seemed to me there were too many commas causing a lot of pauses. so it kinda interupted flow in some parts for me it seemed. I liked the end the best. because it can be either mental death or physical death.

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June 11, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

Sorry about that. The commas at the end of every
line was just something I grew up learning. I do realize
that as an artist here I can forgo them. Unfortunatly
for me, this was more out of habit than intention.
I am glad you liked it and I look foward to reading
something of yours as well. Thank you.

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A quick read like you said, I like how sometime things dont come around full circle, they just die. No matter what you want or think or do. Very good.

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June 11, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

If you like this one, just wait! And Thank you indeed!

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