Sorry about that. The commas at the end of every
line was just something I grew up learning. I do realize
that as an artist here I can forgo them. Unfortunatly
for me, this was more out of habit than intention.
I am glad you liked it and I look foward to reading
something of yours as well. Thank you.
Poetry / Death of Insanity (Analysis)
Now drag me down,
Take me under,
Fast as lightning,
Quick as thunder,
I’m ripped apart,
Torn asunder.
This thing inside,
Beckons to me,
It calls my name,
This cannot be,
But that desire,
Is insanity.
I’m going mad,
Thoughts everywhere,
They’ve run amuck,
It’s just not fair,
No matter what,
They’re still there.
No escaping,
I’m trapped indeed,
Within myself,
These voices plead,
Droning on till,
They can be freed.
So who am I,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time just might show,
Who am I now,
Personal foe.
Now here I am,
Internal hate,
My own prison,
The lack of fate,
Nothing to do,
But sit and wait.
Time just goes by,
But I can’t see,
These constant thoughts,
Are killing me,
Destroying all,
I wish to be.
Awake all night,
Because of stress,
How do I get,
Out of this mess,
So my mind hurts,
Just somewhat less.
Freedom it seems,
Must first be gained,
Just look around,
At all those chained,
Once you believe,
Your soul is stained,
Believing God,
Were to exist,
It would be hard,
Not to resist,
Realistic,
So I desist.
I really don’t,
Have very much,
Even my life,
Isn’t a crutch,
If only you,
Would believe such.
And though I have,
Been psychotic,
These words here are,
Not idiotic,
Although they seem,
Quite chaotic.
Endings unsaid,
Meanings unclear,
These thoughts I’ve bled,
For none to hear,
So now I’m dead,
My true worst fear.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i feel it can be cut in half and made much more effective and can indeed be tightened overall generally because the ideas keep on repeating themselves
if you edit it it could become quite a powerful poem
- add/view comments (2)
megsywegsy91 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was a realy good poem in my opinion. I could sense the giving in to insanity. And the only thing was it seemed to me there were too many commas causing a lot of pauses. so it kinda interupted flow in some parts for me it seemed. I liked the end the best. because it can be either mental death or physical death.
Interval reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
There are several issues with this piece that you need to work on.
Form: Although you do stick to a specific stanza and rhyming scheme, there’s no consistent rhythm. If you want to have a poem as structured as this rhythm is a very important consideration. One option would be: (for example)
Now here I am,
Internal hate,
My prison cell,
The lack of fate
The third line has been changed to match the rhythm of the others, ‘weak strong weak strong,’ or iambic dimeter.
Plot and conflict: There is no real evolution of emotion over the poem, and although you could say that the central conflict is the protagonist against himself or his angst, it doesn’t really change; it doesn’t get set off and doesn’t evolve. To provoke interest and sympathy in a poem as long as this, you must develop the conflict to be more definite and poignant.
Imagery: The whole piece is far too abstract. Freedom, the soul, insanity, and fate are subjects best approached through vivid illustration and specific, grounded references to a situation or scene; otherwise, they’re completely meaningless and lack any impact on the reader. ‘I’m sad and insane, and my thoughts are bothering me.’ ‘So what?’
You have potential, and room for a lot of growth. Keep writing!
specjalista reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It is a good poem, but I don’t like how some standzas are rhyming and others are not. The ones that are no seem more serious and spoke to me more. I actually felt I knew the other and her/his feelings better. I think that the rhymning sections made the poem feel too playful and witty instead of deep. Overall I think this is one of the best poems I have read on Urbis.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Well, you’re pretty faithful to the pattern you establish in the first line and that’s good. The structure is consistent in terms of sound, meter, and the like and the verses seem to move from one to the other topically if not thematically. I think this would work better in a much shorter form in terms of the aforementioned patterns. The further I go with this, especially reasding it aloud, it becomes very sing-song and the tempo a bit like a metronome. Thus the rhythm of the words overpower the meaning of the words and some very heavy ideas are lost in the easy light-hearted rime.
CaribWild421 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
What a strongly emotion-ridden poem! the personal voice gives power to this poem. I don’t really consider myself to be good at poem critiques, am still improving, learning to look and think in all areas of poetry, although i love to write poetry. As i was reading, i was thinking maybe you could add some imagery to show and illustrate how psychotic you would consider urself to be ( that is, if that is what you are saying in the poem) also what provokes such thoughts and breeds this insanity? Thats all i can think of right now. Good job on this poem!
sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a powerful poem but I think you could make it even better by using words to increase the imagery of what you are trying to convey rather than just using words because they rhyme.
This verse does not seem to flow as well as the others:
So who am I,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time just might show,
Who am I now,
Personal foe.
Maybe considering changing it to something like:
So who I am,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time will show,
Now, who am I
Personal Foe.
Just a little wordplay makes it flow a lot better and lends to the imagery as well because you are not focusing on what was off with the verse.
I think that the concept is wonderful and the way you have described an obvious deep rooted turmoil is fantastic as well.
Keep writing you have talent.
hatchettmanrox reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow. I liked the rhyming. It makes it flow. I really enjoyed the way you used insanity as something to be desired. It gives it an odd quality, that I must say, is rather nice.
Overall, thumbs up. Very nice.
LR
brownpillar reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
A quick read like you said, I like how sometime things dont come around full circle, they just die. No matter what you want or think or do. Very good.
darkwriter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I loved your poem. I liked the flow of it, and the message is great. You have an essence of insanity throughout it, just by the words and phrases you use. Great job.
Showing 1 - 10 of 13
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
13 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 5 Times
Ratings & Rankings
