Poetry / Death of Insanity (Analysis)

It seems you’re in touch enough with your subject to have included more detail than written to create a more engrossing read. But for being scarce it worked. Did that make any sense at all? Hopefully. Insanity’s a fun one, don’t skimp on it!

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June 18, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

Thank you kindly for your comment and I look foward to
reading something of yours!

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i feel it can be cut in half and made much more effective and can indeed be tightened overall generally because the ideas keep on repeating themselves
if you edit it it could become quite a powerful poem

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June 11, 2008

by avkoshy

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
169	46.7% (90 votes)	32.9%

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44	M	India	November 23

ok, got it :) – thanks for taking my comment so seriously – i should also have told you what could be cut out but didn’t want to and now i feel yeah you should leave it as it is

June 11, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

Thank you! I took this comment to heart. I went ahead
and read this over again myself, just to see if I could
get rid of something that maybe, really didn’t fit in.
And then I got to here:

And though I have,
Been psychotic,
These words here are,
Not idiotic,
Although they seem,
Quite chaotic.

I realized then that I didn’t really write this as so
much as is in, it wrote itself. Looking it over after
that, I realized that cutting what was there, would be
almost like cutting out your liver or spleen, though
you don’t think you need them, they are still a part of
the real body of the topic in the way of chaotic thoughts.
Thank you for review and I do look forward to reading
something of yours. Thanks again!

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A quick read like you said, I like how sometime things dont come around full circle, they just die. No matter what you want or think or do. Very good.

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June 11, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

If you like this one, just wait! And Thank you indeed!

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This was a realy good poem in my opinion. I could sense the giving in to insanity. And the only thing was it seemed to me there were too many commas causing a lot of pauses. so it kinda interupted flow in some parts for me it seemed. I liked the end the best. because it can be either mental death or physical death.

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June 11, 2008

by ur_lord_chaos

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
5	71.4% (14 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Portland, OR	March 10

Sorry about that. The commas at the end of every
line was just something I grew up learning. I do realize
that as an artist here I can forgo them. Unfortunatly
for me, this was more out of habit than intention.
I am glad you liked it and I look foward to reading
something of yours as well. Thank you.

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Well, you’re pretty faithful to the pattern you establish in the first line and that’s good.  The structure is consistent in terms of sound, meter, and the like and the verses seem to move from one to the other topically if not thematically.  I think this would work better in a much shorter form in terms of the aforementioned patterns.  The further I go with this, especially reasding it aloud, it becomes very sing-song and the tempo a bit like a metronome.  Thus the rhythm of the words overpower the meaning of the words and some very heavy ideas are lost in the easy light-hearted rime.

I’m seriously not into end-rhyme poetry, but I’ll try to be fair. Keep the punctuation to a minimum—delete the commas and keep the periods. Also, are you trying to keep to four syllables per line? Some of the lines are not adhering to this. A score of ‘5’ means I’m ‘neutral.’ On all counts. I don’t know what publishers and agents are into these days. Last, but not least, shorten the poem or turn this into a series of short poems to keep your reader interested. Thank you for requesting me as a reviewer for your piece.

This is a powerful poem but I think you could make it even better by using words to increase the imagery of what you are trying to convey rather than just using words because they rhyme.

This verse does not seem to flow as well as the others:

So who am I,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time just might show,
Who am I now,
Personal foe.

Maybe considering changing it to something like:

So who I am,
I still don’t know,
Will I ever,
Time will show,
Now, who am I
Personal Foe.

Just a little wordplay makes it flow a lot better and lends to the imagery as well because you are not  focusing on what was off with the verse.

I think that the concept is wonderful and the way you have described an obvious deep rooted turmoil is fantastic as well.

Keep writing you have talent.

This is really good actually.

It has a good erm…. flow and rhythm to it and I enjoyed it because it was a quick read. Your wording is great and it has definite potential to be published although I think there will be afew critics out there who’ll say this is cliche but I don’t think so…

Keep up the good work

Amy

There are several issues with this piece that you need to work on.

Form: Although you do stick to a specific stanza and rhyming scheme, there’s no consistent rhythm. If you want to have a poem as structured as this rhythm is a very important consideration. One option would be: (for example)

Now here I am,
Internal hate,
My prison cell,
The lack of fate

The third line has been changed to match the rhythm of the others, ‘weak strong weak strong,’ or iambic dimeter.

Plot and conflict: There is no real evolution of emotion over the poem, and although you could say that the central conflict is the protagonist against himself or his angst, it doesn’t really change; it doesn’t get set off and doesn’t evolve. To provoke interest and sympathy in a poem as long as this, you must develop the conflict to be more definite and poignant.

Imagery: The whole piece is far too abstract. Freedom, the soul, insanity, and fate are subjects best approached through vivid illustration and specific, grounded references to a situation or scene; otherwise, they’re completely meaningless and lack any impact on the reader. ‘I’m sad and insane, and my thoughts are bothering me.’ ‘So what?’

You have potential, and room for a lot of growth. Keep writing!

Wow. I liked the rhyming. It makes it flow. I really enjoyed the way you used insanity as something to be desired. It gives it an odd quality, that I must say, is rather nice.
Overall, thumbs up. Very nice.

LR