Romance / Desert Storm Chapters 4-6 (Analysis)
Chapter 4
June hung up the phone with Jess. She hated when Mike worked so late she missed him enough. But she also knew how dedicated he was, she had to accept it if she wanted to be with him. Most of the times she didn’t have a problem with it, but she wanted to see him and have his arms around her.
She curled up with her blanket and turned on Survivor she loved the show, and tried to watch it every Thursday. Soon she was so into it that she didn’t even think of Mike. June often wondered how she would do on the show. She loved to live of the land anyway; she thought it would be fun. That is except the part of not washing for that long of a time. Of course it would be nice if it was just her and Mike on the island! Mike flew into her thoughts again in a flash.
June thought of how romantic Mike was, or had been. He was still romantic once in a while, but now he just didn’t have the time to do things anymore. She sighed and tried to stop thinking of Mike. Finally deciding to go and check her mail online, maybe that would get her mind off of him.
June looked through her mail for the important ones. She saw one from a friend who now lived in Florida. June laughed as she read of Missy’s misadventures; Missy had always had bad luck. Nothing that led her to get hurt but just things that made her friends laugh. June had missed her since she moved nine years earlier. Hoping that Missy would someday be able to come out and visit and meet Mike. Missy was a good judge of character and June would just love to see what her impression of Mike would be. Moving on she saw an email from her mom, who was on a cruise to the Greek islands. Mom was having a blast; she enjoyed traveling now that she had retired. June had only wished her father had been able to share the time with her. He had died two years before his retirement. Working on the ranch had made him tough, but not tough enough to beat a heart attack when it came. Oh well she knew that things happened all the time like that, but if only it wouldn’t have been her dad.
Chapter 5
Mike took a moment to relax in the lounge in between emergencies. It had already been a hectic day and he still had several hours left to go. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken this double shift. He really wanted to get that promotion though. This he felt would help out his chances.
Mike closed his eyes and was on the verge of falling asleep when he felt small kisses on his neck. Thinking he was dreaming he relaxed and enjoyed the feeling. But when he heard a female laugh he knew it wasn’t a dream. He woke up as Betty lowered her mouth upon his. He couldn’t help but react, his mouth opened automatically to her probing tongue.
“Shit. Stop please.” He said pushing her away.
“So you do have some passion in there.” Betty smiled. “Come on let me see if you react that way to me again.”
“No.”
“Are you scared?”
“No.” He stuttered out, but truth be known he was. The kiss had been revealing to him. He had always thought June brought out his passion, but this kiss with Betty was one of greater depth.
Betty moved closer to him on the couch again. Slipping her hand inside of Mike’s shirt. “I’d love to feel that hair against my bare skin.”
“Betty you know I’m involved with someone.”
“Mike all I know is that I want you, and by that kiss I think you want me too.” She put her lips on his neck again and nibbled again.
Mike groaned. Turning his head to hers he found her mouth and took it with force. “Stop. We can’t do this not here. I don’t think we should be doing it at all either.”
“You’re not going to convince me of that. I locked the door. But I agree we shouldn’t do anything at work, maybe after the shift is over?”
“I don’t know Betty. I’ve been with June for seven years.”
“Think about it.” She kissed him again. Walking away from him with a smile and a confident stride.
Mike watched her leave, feeling relief and remorse upon her departure. Shaking his head he got up and went back to work. He had no idea what he would do; it was a struggle deep inside.
Chapter 6
Jess sat looking through his parent’s old photo album. There were several pictures of him and June has kids. Her smile was even cute at the age of seven. The picture he liked the most was of them both as seven years of age where she had given him a kiss on the cheek. His parent’s had told him several times that he blushed after she had finished. But he refused to wash that cheek for three days. Finally his mom had made him since it was so filthy with dirt. He had cried that night. Even then he had strong feelings for her he just hadn’t known it.
It was funny how their lives had gone. When they started to date finally in high school he had been enthusiastic. But soon all the girls had been interested in him; after all he became a huge football star. He flirted with them all, and finally decided to just have no girl friend so he could enjoy being single. He had missed her after that, but they had remained friends. He was surprised at that. After all he never found himself able to be friendly with an ex-girlfriend.
But that was June for you; she always gave so much of herself. She wasn’t selfish at all, and her compassion for all people was overwhelming. It was no surprise she was an attorney who often took cases gratis. Meaning any person could come to her and she would represent them. In the long run she didn’t make much money. But a lot of bigger clients had started using her services lately. Still she made sure she had time for the smaller clients.
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It’s got potential..work in some details. June narrarated the story so did’nt “know her”She needs to tell more of her story.Critique:1/4 Too many names in the 1st 2 sentences.She hated when Mike worked..into the show..she didn’t think of Mike..doesn’t seem to think too much of him….She loved to live (of) the land ..had she done this before??...”get her mind off of him”
“Hoping that Missy..maybe She hoped..2of4 father died…Oh well..she seems pretty cold..3of 4”she put her lips on his neck again and nibbled again(omit 1st “again”).Chap.6…”June has…(as) 4/4 In the 2nd paragraph it seems that you have changed the narrarator..would June say,”but that was June for you”??
Revise, revise, revise..I re-write 1 poem 10-15 times..Name of the game.thanks
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Very good. It’s a very real look at relationships. I think that the characters are compelling, facing problems that most of us face. I do think that all of this could be combined into one chapter, unless you’re planning on fleshing a bit of it out. I also think the end of chapter six, if it is the end, leaves the reader hanging a bit. Is he going to keep thinking of June? Does he put the photo album away, does he pick up the phone, or think of sending her an email? Just some thoughts. Would like to read more, especially the first few chapters. :)
If I am catching the plot of your story correctly…it seems to be a web of friends lives that intertwine over the years, if there was more before then I probably missed alot…but I liked the even flow of the script except I believe you should delve a bit more into the souls of each character as you introduce them to the reader. I would like to see more interviening of the characters as a group rather then a one man stand so to speak, more conversation and not so many thoughts perhaps….there were a couple of spots where I thought the wording could be changed a bit as follows…they are just suggestions…hope I don’t offend you…..
The picture he liked the most was of them both as seven years
best at the age of seven
off
She loved to live of the land
all and all I really liked it…and would love to read the next chapters.
Oh i love it! I think you shouldnt like say what ahead like for ex.when you said that june dad died,you should expand it more instead of saying he died 2 years ago.Add more detail,but when your finished tell me more cause i love this story,its interesting!
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