Poetry / I awake

I awake

It brings a tear to my eyes to wonder what it would be like to live a life without you;

It would be a desolate life of pain and anguish, no not so; hell on earth would best suit this empty hole of darkness that drains the strength from arms forged for your will. Better still arms edged by my GOD for the soul purpose of carrying the burden of this realm.

How so now can it be, a lost of this magnitude. I am lost to the four winds and torn asunder by the unjust tempests of this my own heart and brought low by the mighty thrown of syllables.

Why under the very heavens that have seen the joy of the sun and given the shadow of light known of the moon would I allow my world wrapped as a gift and left alone on a plate of fired emotions die as a rose left without the love and comfort of water or less than the warmth of the sun that caress each petal.

How then can I with only the lift of a finger which boasts a ring of devotion in a life of ghostly appearance run from the life that would be mine. My chest trembled as even my shape lessened in its stature. My breathe taken from me. I ache from my soul down to the very seams of my spirit in the depths of even the consciousness unknown to even my desires of you.

I hang at the very thought of loneliness and her cruel hordes of despair. They remain a constant threat to the civil nature of my mind in a state of peace and bliss so erect in a fortress that only your hands could tailor. Least we forget … the bond of two. For this purpose I did leave my mother to hold fast to you. Where would I rest my head bewildered in the world of stone which grind the very soul of me.

In this vision of shame and lost I find but one comfort. Knowing that you’re the center piece of my longing and the reward of continues conversation with my LORD in a bended fashion of humble yielding. My life is forever changed and put on fire by your glance and frozen still by the gentlest of gestures. It is fear that smites me low but it is your very love that adjusts unsteady legs firm and bold to address this emotion.

I awaken to a world not like this one. Reality has set forth her table and prepared the trimmings befitting none less than a king of state. Peace comes over my face as a veil covering the beauty of you. The suns kiss upon lips and the rubbing of my face pulls me within the window of truth as it is to date. This vision of lost is no more than that. A world not known in truth. I awake.

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Reviews

February 08, 2006

quickquill

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
30	44.4% (9 votes)	14.7%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29			December 07

quickquill reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This was too much like prose for me to really stand out as poesy. Your sytax is too sloppy. Here, let me show you:

“It is fear that smites me low but it is your very love that adjusts unsteady legs firm and bold to address this emotion.” Fear smites me low, but your love adjusts unsteady legs firm and bold.

See, there was too much. You need to tighten it up a bit, and you should place your “poem” into finer looking stanzas because like I said, it looks too much like prose.

Another thing I didn’t like was that it was too easy. Where was the strugle to understand. If you’re going to do free verse, it should have this broken realism that requires a bit of thought to understand. Otherwise easy come, easy go.

Part of it did appeal to me becasue it made me sad, but I also don’t like that, but I realize that that’s just a preference and has nothing to do with your work. I understand that in quite a few places you rhyme, and I think if you tightened it up again, root out unecessary words like the example above, your poem will be better.

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January 30, 2006

SultryPoet

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
120	90.0% (10 votes)	51.3%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Bronx, NY	October 23

SultryPoet reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Wow…this poem was pure beauty. I loved the way you use your words. I’m adding you to my favorites. You are a very talented writer. I don’t even know what to really say to you. I have no complaints really. It was lovely.

_sammie