Poetry / Sweet

Hi there,

I absolutly loved this piece. I read it thru many times, just to absorb the deeper fun of it all. How clever are we for thinking outside the proverbial box. Very, very cleverly done!

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August 22, 2008

by sadpoet

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
281	86.8% (136 votes)	87.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	United States	November 18

Thanks

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i can’t think of any constructive criticism: it shows the story/images instead of tells: that’s so good, and it flows, and is surprising, because it’s subtle, and does not belabor or lengthen too much, considering the subject.  it just seems like good writing to me.  

You kept repeating the words taste and sweet, and i think that if you used different words, you could make this sound better. Diction is key. Use powerful words. Describe the sweetness.

I also think that the lines could be broken up a bit. Try making a new line after each comma, i think that would improve the ease of the read because, right now, you have long lines that really don’t read as well as they would if they were shorter lines. <3 ames plaza

I enjoyed reading this, it was intresting.

Clever and cute, but contrived.

So, this piece confuses me slightly. I’m aware that whoever you’re writing this about died… But I’m not entirely sure what the “salty but sweet” taste is that ultimately killed him.

I’m also not sure who it is that you’ve written this about. The tone of your piece sounds really unpersonal, suggesting that you’ve written it about a complete stranger. However, I feel that your piece could GREATLY benefit from some real emotion (so you have an emotion that you can evoke in the reader which will make it a much more enjoyable piece to read).

All of that being said, it was an enjoyable and intriguing piece to read. But, as with everything, there is still a little room for improvement.

“So this story it said, give halt to the dead” – This line is a little unclear. If you mean what I think you do by it, you might consider changing this to “So this story, it is said, gives halt to the dead” as this makes the meaning a lot clearer (IF that was the meaning you were going for).

My only other suggestion right off the top of my head would be to try and cut out any unnecisary words as this will tighten up your piece and give it a much more poetic feel (you can often do this by using imagery that has a double meaning (complicated) or just cutting out words like “then”, “he”, etc. (easier))

Other than that, this was a great piece and a great read!

I really liked this piece, the rhyme structure makes it simpler to read and also a lot more complex than most of the poetry on here.
There are two parts I didn’t like:

‘then he did eat.’
In the rest of this poem this style helps it along but in this one part it makes it seem clunky and unnatural.

ground!
I don’t understand why there is an exclamation mark there, I tried to read it with emphasis and it just sounded… dumb.
Also, i don’t think having an emphasis there really suits the topic.

Speaking of the topic, you did an awesome job. It takes a different perspective on death, instead of white lights and angels.

I liked this alot.
Good Work!

I would chop up your lines a bit more. The ending line also seems a little awkward--like you just tossed that in there to rhyme with visit. You could probably think over that last line a bit more and come up with something much better. It just doesn’t suit the rest of the poem, which is very good--reminds me a bit of Snow White, actually.

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June 10, 2008

by sadpoet

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
281	86.8% (136 votes)	87.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	United States	November 18

Interesting…snow white may have something to do with this riddle.
Thank you

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I like the idea of where you’re were going however it seems as if never developed.  because of this the overall theme is hard to interpert. also the descriptions you used are really do not make the reader attahced to the piece. it almost makes the poem seem simplistic but not in a good way. i beleive poetry are a beautiful exxageration of every emotion love seems grander, depression seems darker, confusion seems enlighting, and lonlienss seems artistic. like your ending says what seems sweer really isn’t but you never made me want to find out what wasn’t sweet.  

Not a pleasant way to die, but on the brightside I thought what you wrote was good. It had a good flow, good wording, and the rhythm was in tact which is good.

Talent – Definitely

Poetry – Very Good

Publish A Book – If  you’re determined enough I believe you can do anything

Keep writing, it’s the real experiences that bring out the poet in all…

Amy

P.S – Thanks for the read… if that someone who died was someone you knew I’m sorry for your loss may that person R.I.P