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Short Story / Born a Warrior (working title) (Analysis)
Born a Warrior
It was 1180 when the war began. He was a mere warrior, an uneducated yet strong man. He had just a second to look up into the setting sun and feel how weary he truly was. He felt an emptiness inside of him. Apart from the constant fighting, he knew that he needed something more. Everything was taking a toll on his mind and body. With kitana in hand, he slashed through his opponents with ease. Timing was crucial as well as focus when it came to war. He only hoped his strength would last him for at least another night.
The troops were getting tired as they had bee fighting for several days. Seeing his fallen comrades mad him angry, his temper only giving him the extra strength he needed. Death….
It was just a part of the life he had no choice but live. A samurai like his father, Yukihiiro struggled with family, honor and the fact that he didn’t want to be there anymore. After decapitating a man who came close to sticking his blade into him, he wished he was born to another family. Tears of anger and regret brimmed his lashes as he wiped his brow of sweat with the blood-drenched, dark blue cloth of his sleeve. It wasn’t enough that he had to fight alongside his father, no, it was more than that. He was raised to take over his father’s place as general. He simply did not want that task, rather honor, which is what it was supposed to be.
There was an eerie moment of silence as the night sky seemed to cease the clashing of swords. It was in that moment that Yukihiiro decided that death was the lesser evil. Death, in his eyes, was freedom from the agony he was living. And as that epiphany of sorts seeped out of his mind, the fighting commenced. The sounds of the men screaming in pain grew louder in his ears with every breath he took.
As he came face to face with a man filthy and drenched in someone else’s blood or perhaps his own, Yukihiiro automatically lifted his kitana to strike; only to realize that this was the man that could end his life if he chose to refrain from fighting back. The only thing ingrained in his mind was to fight, to defend oneself and their clan. ‘You fight to the death or you die a coward.’
He wasn’t a coward; he was simply a man that wanted the power to choose. Milliseconds seemed like hours as he stood with his kitana lifted. Then swiftly, he arched the blade down onto the filthy man. He chose to fight one more battle.
A few more fights to the death, and every time he came out on top as was expected. His clan was advanced in their fighting skills. They were not only a great clan; they were feared by many. Yukihiiro didn’t see it that way, though. While growing up and learning the ways of the samurai warrior, he had often been teased and called, “the warrior with a soft side”. In essence, he was. He was often found sitting alone, away from the rest of the warriors, thinking about life. He had a fondness for flowers too, picking wild flowers wherever they went. His father had often times taken away the flowers then making him train more than he already did. Yukihiiro felt as if he had nothing of his own. His spare time was turned into punishment for doing something that made him forget about fighting, if not only for a couple of hours.
As he reflected on such memories while they had received a break from battle, the more he wanted to leave. He knew it would only be a matter of days if not hours before he disappeared. Whether he left on his own or he was killed, he would be free. Just before he picked a blue petalled flower from the earth, he sighed as he recalled the memories. He truly was the warrior with a soft side. He didn’t see anything wrong with it, but the others would incessantly mock him for it. He was a man that enjoyed the beautiful things in life. He treasured nature and everything that encompassed it. There had not been a day in which he didn’t encounter something beautiful and wonder how it would be like to delve right into it.
He was brought back to the here and now, by the shouting of his fellow clan members. He was suddenly transported into the ugliness of everything that surrounded him, war. It was indeed a horrible thing. He, of all people did not deserve to be there. The shouting of the men, increased. The sound of kitanas as they were unsheathed could not be mistaken. His father found him and ripped the flower out of his hand. He had absentmindedly picked the flower as his mind wandered. “Look what we have here. It’s the warrior with a soft side!” His father exclaimed. Although it was nighttime, he could see the scowl on his father’s face, the look of disapproval. “Even in battle you pick your precious flowers!” Yukihiiro was not only embarrassed, but heartbroken. He realized in that moment that his father had no respect for him and wondered if he even loved him.
“I’m sorry, general.” He said and quickly stood up, his body screaming for just a few more hours of rest. He addressed him as such because even though he was supposed to take his father’s place, they didn’t want to see favoritism. He thought it was a skewed way of looking at things. If by default he was to be general, he didn’t see a reason to have to call him by his formal title. He mentally shrugged at that thought and was in attention while he was given orders by his father, the general. “As you command, sir.” He said again and sprung into action. Anything less would be seen as lack of respect. If given a command, one did it right away. There was no dilly-dallying around. He was sent further into the woods where the other clan was said to be setting up camp. There was only one thought as he neared the darkness, I live by the sword and hope to die by it this night.
The sword defined who he was now, but he denied it as well as taking his father’s place. His strong muscles, although aching, moved him forward. Sweat covered his brow as he felt the anticipation of another fight, a duel until there was one man standing. Only the better warrior will be victorious, but Yukihiiro always questioned why there was such a need to be victorious. Couldn’t they all live in peace? On the battleground, there was no time for questions or pondering of the like. Concentration was what mattered at the moment. He would soon be near the enemy.
Weaving in and out of the cluster of bamboo trees, Yukihiiro quickly gathered speed. He was working on his reserve energy and sheer adrenaline alone. The possibility that this could be his last fight, which meant his freedom, drove him further into the woods. Then finally, nearby, he found the camp of the opposing clan. His heart was racing, his breath ragged as he stood there, watching and waiting for the perfect moment.
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jubaljam reviewed Version 1 -
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The first line is effective at getting my interest and I emjoyed the name warrior with a soft side. You’ve done a good job describing his despair but it seems cliche to me if you know what I mean. The warrior who wishes for release has been done so many times and ways that it is hard to not be generic.
I think it shows promise. You do a really good job at description. I would suggest using that to describe something original. Maybe he could be the warrior with the soft side not only because he is thoughtful but maybe it could have a dual meaning. Maybe he’s gay, or has a gimp arm. You know what I’m saying?
I think you show lots of promise.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good, and interesting. What I worry about is this: people who read stories like this for the fighting and unflinching drive of the character might be a bit disappointed that this warrior does not wish to be a warrior, wishing instead for a peaceful, swordless life. I would add a character counter to this one that can be his polar opposite to satisfy both types of readers who would pick this up. Having a warrior that thrills to the fight marching alongside or opposite to the one who prefers the gentler side of life will balance this so all readers could be appeased without compromising the integrity of the main character.
Additionally, some of your tone is a bit awkward. The phrasing seems to come off a bit stilted, i.e. ‘something beautiful and wonder how it would be like to delve right into it.’, ‘even though he was supposed to take his father’s place, they didn’t want to see favoritism.’, ‘no time for questions or pondering of the like.’
Your comma usage also may tend to put the reader off. i.e. ‘He, of all people did not deserve to be there. The shouting of the men, increased.’
That said, I do find the character to be complicated, and would like to see more of him. I’m not ready for him to submit to death without a fight for what he yearns for. I’d like to see that fight unfold, because I think with your voice it would be a complex and dramatic series of events. Overall, quite an interesting read.
Robin55 reviewed Version 1 -
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The hero in this story is a good character with complexity and I really like the struggle that he is going through. He wants to please his father but realizes that this will probably never happen and yet he wants to also get away from all the fighting and live a different, more peaceful life. His father is a great protagonist, creating conflict in the story and adding more interest. This piece is very creative and has good aliteration.
Mairhaich reviewed Version 1 -
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I honestly think this has the makings of a good short story, however, it is written in the third person passive voice, which takes away the immediacy of the whole experience. Can I suggest you either write it in the active voice and perhaps the first person? I think it would give it an immediacy and directness which would engage the reader a lot more. At the minute I read it and at several points said to myself ‘well, he’s not very worked up about this,’ and I think it was the third person passive voice which caused this.
Page 1
‘bee fighting’ – been fighting
‘no choice but live.’ – no choice but to live.
Page 2
‘that epiphany of sorts’ – I would suggest it is either an epiphany or it isn’t. the of sorts here just weakens the language.
‘A few more fights to the death, and every time he came out on top as was expected.’ This makes it sound rather boring – oh well, just a few more fights to the death then. Where’s your drama, where’s the emotion of it all?
‘He was often found sitting alone, away from the rest of the warriors, thinking about life. He had a fondness for flowers too, picking wild flowers wherever they went.’ – This is supposedly normal for Samurai within their culture, yet you use it as if it were unusual and suggest that he is called soft because of it, thus the reader struggles to maintain suspension of disbelief.
Page 3
‘As he reflected on such memories while they had received a break from battle, the more he wanted to leave.’ – This feels wordy and slow can I suggest something like ‘During a lull in battle he made his decision, he would leave.’ There are several places where this overwriting occurs. Ask yourself the question, do I need this word? What does it add to either the story or the description.
Page 4 – I live by the sword and hope to die by it this night. – Why is this in italics?
I hope this is helpful
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