Thank you! You’ve got a good eye, oneshot92. Hope your writing career blooms and flourishes.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / THE WATCHMAN - Chapter 1.1 - The Captured
“Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire.”
Delah mouthed the words as she read it and pressed her forefinger on the icon located in the middle of her permission slip. Elder’s fuzzy holographic image extended over the digital text on the plasti-tablet. The image repeated: Elder placed a holy sash over a young student.
Satisfied, she pinched the right-hand corner of the clear plasti-permission slip and watched it roll up on its own. Now she could place it back into her cylinder shoulder strap purse.
Soft music wafted and surrounded her, relaxing Delah. In front of her, she could see through the transparent hexagon patterns of the dome ceiling. She slowly turned around and took in her surroundings with eyes wide and mouth gaped open. This place was so vast, so beautiful, beyond anything she imagined. Beige marble walls curved behind her. Green plants that bloomed red reedpods in huge bowls were littered below throughout the complex, giving her a sense of vertigo as she looked down.
She stood on the walkway looking down on the crowd. The people snaked in and out of the Food Court in a lulling pattern. Normal noise of foot traffic gave percussion to the music. She thought about her mother.
Her mom had told her she was very astute for a nine-year-old. Owning up to her mom’s claim, she had read the tri-fold plasti-pamphlets at home before her class excursion. It had said that three of these walkways, one above and another beneath—where she stood now—were twenty-five feet between each other. The dome was wedged between two mountains and spanned about two hundred fifty feet across. Each walkway attached to its own tunnel that brought a consumer to sections in the complex that offered large concentrations of their retail, museums, auditoriums, athletic courts, theaters, and more.
This was the hum-drum of Irema.
This was where she stood in the Historic Dome Complex, leaning against the railing looking down.
She didn’t have time to place her plasti-permission slip back into her purse. Distracted by looking down at the crowd below, she barely heard the quick pattering of footsteps coming toward her. She felt a hard shove into her shoulder, was rammed into the railing and nearly flipped over to a fifty-foot drop below. Gravity almost won her, claiming her purse and flyer. She couldn’t grab them, she had to save herself. She gasped while the objects bounced and finally settled below barely missing a man.
She hung there head first, gripping the slippery rail. It should have scared her, hanging like that, nearly teetering to her death. But there was no way she was going to fall. Balancing herself like a gymnast, she tightened her hold, squeezed her abdomen, and straightened her legs. Her whole body was perpendicular to the ground. Bending her arms with a great push off the railing, she flipped in the air and bounced back onto her feet. Perfect landing.
What confused her was who would do a thing like that. Why? She asked herself. They had almost killed her. She hadn’t made anyone angry, neither was she the type to start fights. Sharp of mind, she concluded it must’ve been an accident.
She swung around. A group of people were staring at her, mouths gaped open. They spoke, whispering:
“Another Araidian,” a man with bags in his arms said. “A dark one, too. Can’t stand light-skinned Araidians, either. They’re all alike.”
“She should’ve fell,” another man in front said.
The man with bags nodded. “One less Araidian.”
“We’d be better off,” a woman from behind the two men said.
“She could’ve hurt someone if she fell. I’m glad she’s okay.” This came from a short man. The two other men shoved him away and all three walked away as the short man protested to the shove.
Delah was different like that, a hybrid some had called her. Half Araidian, that’s what she was, and she could hear them clearly—the three men, and the remaining woman and two boys.
Two boys…Borell and Jakin!
Borell and Jakin, her classmates, were the ones that had pushed her. She discerned that by them mocking her. They poked their tongues at her, called her a name, laughed, and ran at breakneck speed to catch up with the class halfway down the walkway.
A pain pressed against her chest, her heartbeat slowed, and her mind stopped thinking. She heard the name calling and the laughing. Red…she only saw red, a blank red screen across her eyes. For those few seconds, while the boys sprinted to their classmates, time was nonexistent.
One second…
Two seconds…
Three seconds…
The red dissipated, warmth touched her skin again, the crowds below the walkway bustled, and her heart drummed so hard in her ears, she thought her head would burst. Borell and her Jakin, the boy she liked, had hurt her. Now they were still running halfway down the walkway.
With a deep breath, she dashed after them, feeling the air rush against her face. She closed in on the boys that darted away as if they were strolling.
“You! Stop!” It was Master Fontell, tall man with thinning hair. Right before she touched Borell’s collar, she skidded to a stop.
“Right now,” he said. “All of you come here. Class, wait quietly until we come back.” Master Fontell took Delah and the two boys aside near the railing and spoke in a firm but low voice.
“If you ever attempt any shenanigans like you pulled today, you will be suspended. Understood? All three of you deserve to be punished. Delah, I know you’re here for your cousin that’s why this surprises me. You all have gotten off easy this time. Just make sure this doesn’t happen again. Can any of you understand what I’m saying?” All three nodded in unison. “Keep up with the class and be…silent!”
●
Time wasn’t passing by fast enough for her. She couldn’t wait to be in the auditorium to witness her cousin’s induction and then leave. Only thirty-three minutes passed since arriving. She kept pace with her classmates, wishing to speed up the itinerary, wishing her day wasn’t spoiled.
Delah disheartened by her incident, couldn’t believe Jakin had done that. He was a nice boy with long brown hair, always tied in a ponytail, and light brown eyes. Sometimes he’d smiled when she’d pass his desk at school. He didn’t seem to care she was different.
Lately, since he had hung around another boy she disliked, Jakin didn’t smile as much. She had hoped he’d notice her today. She even packed lip balm, eye maker for her lashes, and rouge for her cheeks in her purse. Her mother had helped her apply the makeup. She pouted, scuffing her feet while she kept up with the class.
Thinking of her mother made her feel better. Her mother had curled her dark brown hair, put on her favorite dress top and pants. Her boots even matched her blue outfit. Today, Delah had felt confident, beautiful, and went through all that trouble for one boy, Jakin. Every time she’d see him her heart would flutter. This had scared her, made her giddy, made her want to see him again.
“You have a crush on the boy, dear,” her mother had said while curling her hair. This was after Delah had told her mom that boys had never asked her to be a partner in gym or sit next to her at lunch. Except one boy had smiled at her, even said hello.
“But, Mom?” Delah had pouted, lowered her head.
Her mother had touched Delah’s cheek. “Honey, look at me. Never look down on yourself. It wouldn’t surprise me if he looked at you all the time. You’re beautiful. Look at your hair, it’s shiny, thick, past your back. And your skin is to be envied. It glimmers just right. So don’t worry about feeling different, honey. Lots of boys will like you and want to be with you.” Her mother had chuckled with a twinkle in her eye and finished the last curl on her hair. “I may have to beat them off with this curling iron.”
Delah grinned, felt better, and strolled behind her classmates on the walkway. She stopped; they kept going through the tunnel. Her mind wanted to absorb all of it and her heart wanted to enjoy this wonderful moment. The heat intensified through the dome onto her skin and she felt her heart warmed by her mother’s words.
Further ahead, nearly out of visibility for a normal person, her small class of twenty stopped at the other end of the tunnel in front of museum entrance. Any one else’s vision wouldn’t have seen through the tunnel as well as she could. She was different that way, being half Araidian. From where she stood, gazing into the darkened tunnel nearly twenty feet long, she made out her classmates features, the color of their eyes, and the teacher at the other end.
Her teacher explained this great structure, their pride in Irema. She heard him lecturing her classmates, even while passersby talked, made background noise. No one else had great hearing like hers–none of the students, not even the teachers.
Master Fontell spoke: “Class, this dome complex you’re in is made up of geometric shapes. Steelwork frame. Doesn’t it feel like we’re cramped in the corner of the mountainside?” The children hesitated, murmured, and finally answered with a yes that popped in and out among themselves. He continued. “No need to be scared, because the transparent hexagonal membranes are made of transparent aluminum. They are strong and hold us up, even within this mountain.
“When we were out on the walkway, did you see how clear it was through the dome ceiling? This whole structure is made up of hexagonal material. They transmit more light than glass and the largest biome spans more than one hundred meters without requiring internal supports – allowing complete freedom for our landscape, classes, even commercial needs. Case put, we’re in the main bubble. There are two other domes like bubbles fitting on each side of us. The main dome, where we are, is in the middle.”
Good, they forgot about her, in the shuffle. They left her here to gaze at the flank of the mountain that gobbled half of the hexagon bubble they were in. She felt like she could fly away high, through the membranes into the orange-tipped blue sky.
She extended her arms, said softly, “I can fly to Miropos on the wings of a firefly and hop on the back of Shael.” She spoke of the two moons and grinned. It was her first time here. So thrilled, she wanted to soar out of her skin. She placed her hands down. That was impossible, she thought. She wasn’t a firefly and she couldn’t get back at Borell for turning Jakin against her.
She entered the tunnel. Artificial dimmed lighting replaced bright daylight with round fixtures on the curved ceiling of the tunnel. They toured the spacious Bernardian Memorial. Delah’s master explained this gentle race had been extinct for nearly three hundred years, killed by disease and the greed of the False Watchman. A beautiful statue, nine feet tall, showed the graceful thin structure of the race– lean head, two arms, two legs, much like her race. Their technology was shared with her Shatarian race. Bernardians and Shatarians had built the city Araidia together in treaty with the Araidians. Thus, history spoke how war was imminent and the peace-loving race with intelligence that far exceeded the Araidians and Shatarians died from violence and sickness.
Violence seemed to haunt her. Being ashamed was about more than boys not liking her, but it was about having Araidian blood. Mixed with Shatarian blood didn’t temper her strength, the sparkle in her skin, acute hearing, and eyes that flashed with golden flecks. Though superior in physical and mental ways, she was inferior in this place called home.
Now she understood why Jakin turned against her. He saw an Araidian, not Delah. Her lower lip quivered, while she stood and looked up at the statue, the tall thin figure, shining like quicksilver.
She blinked, blinked again to keep back the tears. It still didn’t stop the ache in her heart.
Delah was near the front of the group, close to her teacher, when they had entered another hexagon demi dome. She remembered from her plasti-pamphlet that this one was on the other side, much smaller and made for auditorium activities. Overhead was the top, nearly one hundred feet high. Almost all five hundred sixty-nine students gathered in the huge auditorium. Five sections (A, B, C, D, and E) seated nearly three thousand total. Each section had twenty seats lined across and thirty rows, seating six hundred.
They were assigned to Sections B, C, and D to fill up a third of each section. That kept them closer and near the center of the stage. The seats were dark red and thickly cushioned. The walls were dark gray with thick black panels, three feet wide, looking like stripes.
The stage held a beautiful painted background of clouds on a blue sky. The transparent podium had a modern curve, along with a stemmed stool matching. Pillars of gold and white orchids climbing up, gave a decorative beauty. It reminded Delah of how heaven could look.
Delah would witness an induction into the priesthood for the first time. Her own cousin, Teeabu, had excelled in his class and received honors to be an apprentice of holy service.
The service hadn’t started yet. They had arrived fifteen minutes earlier, filing into the seats. Master Fontell sat a couple of rows in front of her, but she could hear Borell whispering to Jakin and a girl four rows behind. Her acute hearing picked up their conversation.
It was Borell. “See her. Me and Jakin got her good. She’s nothing but a whimp, not as strong as they say. She didn’t even catch us.” There was laughter, the girl snickering and Jakin chuckling. “Look what I got from the commerce mall…one for you, and you, and me. Hey, don’t be scared. She’s nuthin’ but lazy dark, ugly nothing. She’s so ugly her daddy couldn’t keep her.” They snickered.
Delah squirmed in her chair, tried to keep from crying. Her face felt like it was on fire and her hands shook.
I’m not ugly– not ugly, not ugly. She said it over and over to herself.
She tried distracting herself again. Looking at the holo tablet given to them when they had arrived, she lowered her head, didn’t want anyone to see her. She studied the directions. It had a small blank screen, when touched a holo image of what’s taking place would pop up. First button would show what’s on stage and the second button showed what was inside the small entrance against the stage’s wall. Near the back end of her section, to her right on the wall were viewing screens. That meant she wouldn’t miss anything.
She looked overhead, way, way up toward the ceiling. In this smaller dome, the curved ceiling was transparent, showing the patterned hexagons. She started on one hexagon counting the six sides, starting at the top. The first horizontal beam at the top connected to another. The second one slanted right and down. The third one slanted left and down. The fourth bottom parallel to the horizontal was straight. The fifth slanted left and up. The sixth slanted right and up and connected to the top beam. She counted the silver titanium beams, six with others connecting, multiply that by the honeycomb shapes of sixty-five equals three hundred ninety. It was easy to do in a nanosecond.
She loved to count. She had counted how many students entered the dome when they had passed through the entrance gate on the other side of the mountain, five-hundred sixty-nine, not including the teachers.
Her mind delved in counting the light fixtures on the wall to her right, the flood lights that spanned on a beam above, arm chairs doubling the amount of chairs. To her, this was comforting, and she escaped into that counting part of her brain and didn’t notice the schemers from behind plotting more mischief. She didn’t notice anything until a sound, a rushing closed in on her rapidly.
Three whooshes came close to her head, she ducked just in time. Three huge water balloons smashed into Master Fontells nearly bald head. Water splattered everywhere, wetting her outfit, the students in front of her, including Master Fontell. Classmates in the wake, yelled, jumped up, and some scrambled out of their seats scurried into the isle. Delah leaped out of hers, ready to tear Borell apart. She knew that water missile was meant for her. She starting to sprint down the isle, but her teacher’s wet hand grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.
“Who did this?” he asked.
Delah and some of the other students in Borell’s row pointed at the three culprits.
He pointed to the three and gestured them to come with him, including Delah.
She was in trouble. Her heart pumped fast while she followed them to the back door. Today seemed to be the worst day of her life and she was missing her cousin’s induction.
Her teacher told her to stand near the door. Master Fontell surprised her by not taking her in with the others for disciplining. She wondered why was she separated. She stood closer to the door, hearing everything clearly that went on.
“She’s nuthin’ but a dark Raidy. She don’t belong here…never did!” It was Borell’s voice.
“Jakin, do you have anything to say?” Her teacher asked in a stern voice.
A long silence choked her while she strained to hear. Nothing was said, until.
“Me and Borell didn’t mean anything. We just wanted to have some fun.” Jakin’s voice rose to a squeak.
“At the expense of one of my students, correct?”
Jakin added, “She could be a spy or something. That’s what Borell said.”
“All three of you are suspended, even you, little miss.”
The girl cried out, “She’s got no right to get us in trouble. We didn’t mean nothing. And she’s always prancing around like she owns the place. She thinks she’s pretty, but she’s not. She’s ugly like Borrie says. Master Fontell, you said we were at war with these people. They even ended up killing that other race and now we’re stuck with her! I’m telling my mom and dad on you, Master Fontell.”
“Come with me. Now!” His voice was loud and authoritarian.
The door snatched opened, Delah stepped back. She had never seen her teacher so flushed and angry. He took the three with him and spoke to another teacher. They were escorted out of the room and Mr. Fontell returned.
“I want to talk to you privately, Delah. Please come in here.” He gestured her to sit. The room was bleak with only a small desk, chair and couch. A file cabinet sat adjacent to the wall on the other side. No pictures or plants were there to brighten the dull beige walls and floor. Her heart pounded in her ears.
“What happened on the walkway? By the time I noticed you weren’t with the class, you were chasing after those boys.”
Her hands shook in her lap. Chewing on her bottom lip not knowing what to say. To her surprise, her face was wet.
Mstr. Fontell exhaled. “You’re up against a lot. Especially with those types of children. But you must remember.” He cleared his throat and spoke quietly, carefully. “A part of you will always be Shatarian. This is your home. And your mother will always care for you. Don’t ever allow anyone say you can’t be the best. You are Delah of the House of Ruyles and you are a great student. And many of your classmates care for who you are.”
But no one will ever love me. The tears kept coming. Jakin hates me. Her shoulders shook.
She wiped the wet mess from her face and eyes with her sleeve.
“Delah, your time will come. You never need to worry for someone to love you. You have your mother, cousin, friends, and other family. Never deprive yourself of those who care for you. I’m only a teacher, master and can only instruct. So get up.” He took out a handkerchief from his tunic pocket. “Here give your nose a good blow.”
She honked through the kerchief and he chuckled.
“I know this, little girl. You always had the chance to give them a big thrashing. But I expect more of you. No need to resort to violence. Hold your head up and let’s partake in your cousin’s induction.”
●
Sitting on the edge her seat, Delah waited impatiently for his name to be called. Before any calling of honor students happened. Elder stood on the stage in a great white robe with the priesthood sash of many colors. His gray eyes glassed over while he stood reciting his dream:
“Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire.”
His voice commanded everyone’s attentions. It was eloquent, emotional, rhythmical like a storyteller. She listened, seeing images play in her mind. She heard the words “war” and “eyes like a flame of fire.” Her heart sank, her eyes sparkled like fire and the Araidian part of her had waged a war. Was this pointing to the Araidians? She hoped not because they weren’t faithful or true.
The auditorium was quiet, no snickering, chewing, feet shuffling…just a sweet quietness hung over them. Elder explained his dream and believed it referred to the future.
The Master of Priesthood stopped and bowed his head, white hair trimmed short, toward them.
“I can see you’re all anxious to ask. Pop out the questions, children, one at a time.”
She raised her hand. “What is a horse?” she asked, wondering what kind of animal was in his strange dream.
“Ahhh…” Elder and sat on a high stool, adjusted his robe to cover his pant legs. Grooves of wrinkles deepened in his face as he smiled. “I’ve seen the creature many times in my dreams. It stands one head taller than a Shatarian and travels on four legs. Much like the Granulups, it is very swift, and a man can straddle the creature’s back.”
Delah wondered how a man could ride a Granulup, huge, wild burrowing serpents too long to fit in three homes put together.
“They’re called by a different name, steed. You’ve seen them on this tour in our neighboring demi domes that house our wild and domestic animals not a denizen of this planet.”
Delah nodded and smiled. Now she understood. The other children fidgeted and grew restless. She believed they couldn’t grasp the old man’s sayings. In contrast, she always found it a delight to learn new things. Ever since she could remember, she looked forward to this annual ceremony for years. And this year, she would never forget because her beloved cousin would be called forth into the priesthood. At long last, his name boomed over the children’s cacophony. Her heart drummed just as loud.
Teeabu, a youth of fourteen years, the son of Jamis from the lineage of priesthood, stood beautiful and tall among his friends as they lined up on the stage. His shoulders’ breadth spanned wide enough to take on the heavy responsibilities of his new apprenticeship. His long ebony hair, in one single braid, nearly passed the middle of his back. Yes, he was the best looking one here. She laughed within herself because all that she had gone through today was worth this moment.
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oknapp reviewed Version 6 -
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Marble walls or so expensive. I hope this is a really luxerious place.. I don’t mean to ruin this scene but if the railing were this low it would be very dangerous for people who visits. It would seem that a place like this wold not have railings people could fall over. You might think about this. However, with that said you described the scene pretty well.
chest, her heartbeat slowed, and her mind stopped thinking. Look what you have said here. A mind stops thinking when its dead. You could say she lost all thought or wasn’t aware.
Pusing someone off a railing is pretty serious. This was a dangerous act. If Master Fontel station. Fifty-feet, this was attempted murder, i don’t cae how old they were.
“Understood? All three of you deserve to be punished.What did delah do to be punished? They almost killed her!
This is one of the best written fantasy pieces i have read on here The charcters are not overpowering. The scenes are beautifully crafted. The writing is smooth. I am impressed beyond words. If this person has special powers of flight or other powers you might disregard my suggestions above concerning the railing etc. I understand now.
Grooves of wrinkles. Take out grooves just say wrinkles.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 6 -
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This really needs a good polishing. Many of the sentence structures are very confusing. Try getting someone to read this out loud to you, and see if any of the sentences become confusing.
-”...were twenty-five feet between each other. ...spanned about two hundred fifty feet across.” ”...nearly one hundred feet high. Almost all five hundred sixty-nine students … twenty seats … thirty rows, seating six hundred.” I’m questioning the importance of these details. I’ll no sooner have read them than forgotten them, like many readers. RoT: Numbers are bad descriptions.
-You say this at least twice: gaped open. ‘Agape’ or ‘gaping’ are more appropriate.
-“protested to the shove” Not sure that a shove would hear his protests.
No, this didn’t grab me. Not primarily due to the plot, but to the stylistic problems. The strength lies in your char. development of Delah, realistic insecurities for a young girl.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 6 -
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She was different that way, being half Araidian. – pg.5 the reader already understands that this girl is different because she is Araidian. You don’t have to keep mentioning it.
She starting to sprint down the isle, but her teacher’s wet hand grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.- pg.10 I think you meant “started” not “starting”
Mstr.- Is this an abbreviation? If so, why here?
Elder and sat on a high stool, adjusted his robe to cover his pant legs.- pg.13 I think you need to remove the “and”
You have done a wonderful job creating this fantasy world. These were the few things that I found. You might also try tabbing you paragraphs and dialogue. this will aid in the flow. Good work.
Bluedolphin reviewed Version 6 -
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When the Master spoke to Delah and the two boys, the first time, it was unclear at that point if he knew what had happened. I would mention that he only saw them running.
“She heard him lecturing her classmates, even while passersby talked, made background noise.” – Who was making the background noise?
When the teacher took the four children from their seats, where did they go? Some room, I would explain more.
Once again, great alternative world, I’m getting a real feel for the characters. I’ll be reading more.
AlexMadlinger reviewed Version 6 -
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It had said that three of these walkways, one above and another beneath—where she stood now—were twenty-five feet between each other.
Wanted to point this out. This sentence is badly confusing; it almost sounds like you mean to be trying to attempt to say that she is in the middle and there is one below her and one above her. But your actually say he is on the bottom one because you use dashes. Erase the dashing completely and there shouldn’t be a problem.
Obviously this is too large to critique the whole thing but I wanted to commend you on your worldbuilding skills. You did a good job emersing me in your little world. Very, very, very nice. I like it alot. You’ve got talent and I hope you keep working.
The verse of scripture was rather entising. I’m a Baptist minister-in-training; I like the way you encorporated that.
timrees reviewed Version 6 -
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Brilliant! Scene setting beautifully descriptive and creative. Characters very well drawn. I was hooked into the story straight away and much of that was to do with Delah, almost hauntingly addictive in her attractiveness. I feel she has the potential to develop into a significant sci-fi character.
There is a real gentleness to your narrative style, which is strangely seductive. The story and plot I am really not sure of yet as we haven’t seen the story develop much up to this point, but the character of Delah is so strong that I would be happy to read on and meander along with where ever the story takes me.
Only negative for me was that the dialogue felt a little stiff, but strangely it also suits the style and mood, so I don’t know…? I would suggest you read it aloud to yourself and see what you think then…
One very very very minor suggestion would be the line: ”...with eyes wide and mouth gaped open” an alternative might be “agap” which I feel would flow better, but you’re the writer, it is up to you…
I hope that helps. Seriously well done with this. It is excellent and if I was an agent or publisher I would have to take it seriously…
Enigma28 reviewed Version 6 -
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I really enjoyed your story, I felt you were very descriptive and gave a great insight into Delah’s character.
I only have a few critiques:
You have written “Ahhh…” Elder and sat on a high stool, adjusted his robe to cover his pant legs. I suspect the and is just a typo.
The other thing I noticed is, although this story does create a an alterante reality very well I’m not sure that it fits into the Sci Fi catagory, or maybe that comes later…..
Thanks for sharing
Jodie
SwordMistress reviewed Version 6 -
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This gets better everytime I read it, and reads more smoothly. You do a great job of introducing us to Delah and of foreshadowing difficult times to come for Delah. Just a few thoughts/suggestions…
I really liked the beginning.
“Normal noise of foot traffic gave percussion to the music.” I think “Foot traffic gave percussion to the music.” The reader will assume it’s normal unless told otherwise.
You do a great job expressing Delah’s awe at seeing the comlex.
“Distracted by looking down at the crowd below, she barely heard the quick pattering of footsteps coming toward her.” This is fine the way it is but you may consider something like, “She was so mesmerized by the crowd below the sound of quick pattering of footsteps didn’t even register.” Just an option…
“was rammed into the railing” she was already leaning agaist the railing. How could she be rammed into now?
“like a gymnast,” Are there gymnasts in this world. Would Delah know what one is?
“What confused her was” You don’t need this. Just say, who would do a thing like that? The confusion is clear.
“She asked herself.” This isn’t necessary. This is Delah’s pov we already know these are her thoughts.
“Sharp of mind,” I would take this out. Unless it is Delah’s opinion that she figured this out because she thinks of herself as sharp of mind.
“mouths gaped open.” Delah just had her mouth gaped not that long ago.
“were the ones” take this out.
“She discerned that by them mocking her.” I don’t think this is needed either.
“her day wasn’t spoiled.” Hadn’t been
“disheartened by her incident,” I would take this part out
“No one else had great hearing like hers–none of the students, not even the teachers.” You’ve already mentioned her great hearing once, maybe twice
“Master Fontell spoke:” spoke,
“lean head,” I’m not sure what you mean by this.
I like how you describe the statue in terms of two legs, two arms. It indicated the strangeness of this world and how different it is from our own. We’d never describe anyone as having two legs, because it’s usaully a given.
“Violence seemed to haunt her.” Maybe this should say, the violence or the violent past of the Araidians. Otherwise it sounds like she has had a violent past. I get the distinct impression that she has never experienced violence first hand.
“in front of her, but she” “but” doesn’t seem to fit here. Consider spliting into two sentences.
“Borell whispering to Jakin and a girl” If they are behind her how does she know who Borell is whisipering too?
“and didn’t notice the schemers from behind plotting more mischief.” This is good line, but since it’s Delah’s pov she wouldn’t know what “she didn’t notice” until after the fact.
“seats scurried into the” and scurried
“The door snatched opened,” open or the door flew open?
“honor students happened.” Happened,
“laughed within herself” laughed to herself?
DragonQueen reviewed Version 6 -
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It was very good. I found no toruble getting through it. I do have a few suggestions though.
The first one is the flow. It was good but the flow sounded off as if you were say one and then this and then that. Try to get the flow better.
“Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire.”
Did you mean beheld?
She’s nuthin’ but lazy dark, ugly nothing. She’s so ugly her daddy couldn’t keep
Did you mean She’s nuthin’ but a lazy…
Other than this i liked it and will look for more.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 5 -
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Overall I like what you’ve done with this chapter or section of chapter one. This is an interesting society you have created. It’s so advanced in technology, yet at the same time a lot of the attitudes are so primitive.
“Delah of the House of Ruyles and just nine years old pressed her forefinger on the icon.” There are two issues here. First the sentence is awkward as worded, second this is Delah’s point of view. Unless she thinking at this moment that she is nine years old and of the House of Ruyles, you need to work in that info else where.
“in a box” Is this part necessary? It makes the sentence awkward.
“Elder placing” placed
“Satisfied by watching … on its own.” We already know she watched the image more than once, so I would skip stating it again. “Satisfied she pinched the right-hand corner of the clear plati-perimission slip and watched it roll up on it’s own.”
“She wanted to place … for safekeeping.” Suggestion: “Now she could place it into her cylinder shoulder-strap.”
“transparent hexagon member” I’m not sure what you mean by “member.”
“Beige marble walls were behind her.” If the walls are behind her, would she be thinking about them. I would add a line here something about her slowly turning and taking in her surroundings. And maybe an indication of how she feels being here. I know you get to that later, but it wouldn’t hurt to add something here. Maybe some action that would demonstrate her excitement.
“Green plants, blooming red reedpods” rephrase this as a rule “ing” words are ones that should be avoided more often than not. They kind of rate up there with adverbs.
“It was spacious and crowded below while she stood on the walkway.” “She stood on the walkway looking down at the crowd.”
“Like a lulling pattern, … the music.” “The people snaked in and out of the Food Court in a lulling pattern.”
“The ambiance lulled her into thinking about her mother.” I don’t think you need this line. We already have the sense she is lulled. She’d be thinking.
“very astute child.” Here is where you can work in her age. “very astute for a nine-year-old.”
“They spanned about two hundred fifty feet across due to the main dome being wedged between two mountains.” “The dome was wedged between two mountains and spanned about two hundred fifty feet across.”
“she didn’t hear the” “she barely heard” If this is in Delah’s pov then we wouldn’t know about the footsteps unless she at least heard it a little, but was too absorbed for it to register. Doesn’t she have exceptional hearing?
“Interrupted by a hard shove into her shoulder, Delah rammed” She felt a hard shove to her shoulder, was rammed”
“But no way was” But, there was no
Great job describing Delah’s near fall!!
“To her surprise some people stared at her,” A group of people were staring at her.
“Delah was different like that.” Explain this.
“She hadn’t heard the name calling nor the laughing.” If she didn’t hear then the reader can’t know about it.
“Red…only red was all she saw,” “Red… she only saw red,”
“in her ear,” ears
“she took off, dashing” she dashed
“tall and thin” a tall
“ have broken the rules” It’s not clear what rules were broken.
“near death incident” incident,
“She even packed … her cheeks.” She even packed lip balm, eye maker for her lashes, and rouge for her cheeks in her purse.
“Thinking on” of
“curled her hair dark brown hair,” Take out the first “hair.”
I think you rearranged the order a little bit. I like this order better.
“glowed underneath from the warmth.” I’m not sure what you mean by this.
It’s not clear that Delah’s exceptional hearing and sight comes from being Aradian. It may be quicker and too the point to just say that. “Being half Aradian, Delah could…
“you’re in are made” is made
“a yes that popped in and out.” I’m not sure what you mean by this.
“of transparent aluminum.” No need to use the word transparent again.
“shuffle. Left her here” either put a comma after shuffle, small l on left. Or put “They” in front of left.
“She felt” like
“So thrilled,” that’s what’s missing in the beginning. Show us Delah’s excitement and wonder.
“Being ashamed was” about
“but it was also her not liking her Araidian blood.” It was about having Araidian blood.
The class tour is a great idea and it works well. It allows you to work in background information and still keep the plot moving forward.
“They had entered another hexagon demi dome.” Starting with this phrase the next few paragraphs are kind of disembodied from Delah’s pov until we get to the sentence, “It reminded Delah of how heaven should look.” We need something in the beginning here to tell us that this is all from her view.
“But the stage” take out “but”
“Delah would witness for the first time an induction into the priesthood.” Move “for the first time” to the end of the sentence.
“Three whooshes came close to her head,” this goes to what I said earlier. She couldn’t hear the footsteps, but now when she’s preoccupied she can hear water balloons? It’s be better if you indicate that she barely registered the footsteps or something like that.
“She’s got no” she’s (small ‘s’)
“bottom lip she murmured,” murmured what?
“You are Delah” here is where you can work in House of Ruyles
“Elder explained his dream” I’d like to hear the explanation.
I liked the point you chose to end. I think you could end the chapter here.
An observation… I’ve been reading your chapters for a while now and there seems to be a pattern. It’s almost like you try to hard at the beginning, that’s where the awkward sentences come, but once you get into the chapter the awkward sentences always clear up the end of the chapter. I always find myself sucked in by the middle or end. It’s like you get into writing the story and forget out trying to make it perfect and then your writing ability really starts to shine through. For what it’s worth that’s my impression.
Do you care for Delah? yes
Is there information dumping? no
Too much passive voice? no
Does the school flyer take away from the story or draw you in? undecided
Do I have a hook? I think so.
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