Haiku/Senryu / Good x heavy.

I am trying to understand the message of Good x Heavy. It still seems a little blurry where you want the theme to lie. Although, the lines are very poetically written

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February 24, 2010

by avkoshy

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it deals with how opposites match

February 24, 2010

by avkoshy

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good and evil, light and dark, heavy and light, inside and outside….

February 24, 2010

by avkoshy

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fair and dark

February 24, 2010

by avkoshy

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the season is winter or any season but at night
it’s not a traditional haiku
could be about people’s eyes or houses’ windows
means either not to judge by appearance or to see the light and the fair inside -also how these words themselves have both good and bad meanings interestingly
i mean dark is both good and bad at the same time same with fair same with heavy same with light same with good
only evil has one meaning but i dont mention it in poem or title :)

inside and outside too have opposite meanings

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Excellent imagery. Definitely an interesting piece. Title’s a little confusing though. Keep up the good work :)

Happy writing.

-K.S.

5/7/5 – no nature or season reference – unclear “it”.

About looking for the soul within the eye?

L1 – I love this opening
L2 – I found this choppy, no filler but no flow either.
L3 – felt unfulfilling to me.

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November 12, 2009

by avkoshy

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yeah about looking for the soul in the body with the eye turned inwards
there is a season involved – summer
how about the black ringed eyes; fair tunnels? for line 2
i’m happy with the last line becasue i want to evoke certain antonyms
good, bad/evil, light, heavy/dark, black, white, dark/fair
do you see the structure now?

November 12, 2009

by avkoshy

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also inside/ outside and in/out

November 12, 2009

by Deadsage

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My version:

Inside dwells the light.
black-ringed eyes are fair tunnels;
outside remains dark.

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Not sure how the title matches the content, but still nice. Made me think of cat’s eyes- both literally, as well as the things set in the road.

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October 27, 2009

by avkoshy

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thanks

October 27, 2009

by avkoshy

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good evil
light dark
light heavy
inside outside
it’s a haiku about opposites

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Not bad. I like how nature is represented by the light/ dark dynamic. I  suggest changing the first line to “Inside, light’s dwelling” as that’s a bit more active for a haiku.

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October 25, 2009

by avkoshy

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how about inside , the light dwells?
thanks

October 25, 2009

by snarfus

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Haikus generally have a very active present tense that’s better suited by -ing words.

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It is not easy to comment on haiku – good haiku is magic. Your’s falls into that category—quiet but smart. thanks.

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October 25, 2009

by avkoshy

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thanks

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This sounds lovely, and while I like that it evokes an air of mystery, I think it could refer to too many things.  I believe that a haiku should paint a clearer picture of what it is about.  Maybe you could play with a word or two to accomplish this.

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August 15, 2008

by avkoshy

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thanks

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This is an interesting haiku, the main image I pick up from it are the eyes, but the last line really throws me off stating that outside it’s all dark, which leads me to assume it’s not the eyes, but never the less the haiku still delivers on imagery.

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July 05, 2008

by avkoshy

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thanks

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Nice imagery, I like the pervading sense of darkness and the word choice is sublime. Perhaps the punctuation is a tad complex for the piece.

This is an interesting concept…I’m not sure I understand it though. How can light be inside the eyes when it’s dark outside? Is there something I’m missing?

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June 19, 2008

by avkoshy

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i’m from india – we believe god dwells inside, the hindus do and thouugh i’m a christian i believe jesus dwelling christ within me is more powerful than the idea of a jesus who lives somewhere far away in heaven or far back i in the past

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