Thank you for taking the time to read my poem. I would like to add here that the reference to my inner child as “It” is intentional (and I concur that it “just doesn’t seem right”). But sometimes the bitterness in life should not be candy coated. At the very least, this is one reason I write poetry. Because, I have spent too much of my life polishing the truth. Trying to make things seem as if they were “right.”
Poetry / they call "it" depression (Analysis)
in the Shadow of my soul
a Child hides
in silence
It does not speak
It does not weep
only stares into the darkness
the Breath of life
scar Its’ lungs
the Voice of self
burn Its’ tongue
It has no value
no Self worth
in the shadow of my soul
this Child
must wait
void of love
Imprisoned
by hate
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l13dj13 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think that was an absolutely amazing poem. there just arent any poems better then those written straight form the heart when your really going through pain..
having gone throught it myself i know exaclty what your talking about but you described to a tee and even if i diddntknow waht it felt like that peom would have made me feel it too.
well done on an excelent job
thankyou
xl13dj13x
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rekstein reviewed Version 1 -
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strong. I paused after line two. I thought about shadow, child. Then, “in silence” was also strong.
Stanza two definitely takes a turn toward the more specific. The mystery of the child is over. Negative is the overriding feeling, unequivocal. That’s fine, that’s the message. I didn’t get the grammar though – breath scar(s)?, voice burn(s)? perhaps it’s a stylistic reason. Also the apostrophe after Its. Didn’t get that. I’ve read it a bunch.
Wait for what? There doesn’t seem much hope. It’s a sad poem. The child likely was the adult “my soul”, and likely didn’t have a great childhood. I sensed maybe that the narrator is responsible for some of the imprisonment by hate? As far as causes, Breath and Voice……of Self……Explain.
Well, I hope there’s some healing!
BPL reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this one .Thoughtful ,insightful,and well written .It shows your pain .I want to say “cheer up ” but it seems to be you did by writting this .Keep it up !
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem cries out for help. `In the shadow of my soul` it starts out and this reader can feel the pain that he/she is going through. Excellent, thank you.
guild reviewed Version 1 -
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I would take out ‘it’ from the first stanza. It just doesn’t seem right to refer to a child as an ‘it’. Sounds better just starting each sentence with ‘does’. Also, last sentence: ‘staring into the darkness.’
Same with the second stanza, probably would remove its’ from that one also.
Other than that, really could be a unique little poem with powerful stanzas when you get through with it.
Take care and best wishes to you!
Rayn reviewed Version 1 -
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The selective use of capitalization worked as an emphasis devise, and the lack of punctuation didn’t interfere with readability. I really liked the characterization of depression: “It… only stares into the darkness.” It was powerful and accurate without feeling melodramatic or self pitying. I think the analogy would be stronger without the “in the Shadow of my soul” line; while an effective comparison, it is unfortunately quite cliche now. Your title should convey your idea without the explicit self reference. I would like to see the final line read “no Self” or “feels no worth”, rather than “no Self worth”, again to avoid overused phrases without compromising the sentiment. Finally, I didn’t like “imprisoned by hate” as the conclusion because it felt like a change; the idea didn’t feel developed. The rest of the poem is more about the emptiness of depression, and hate is a very strong, very insistent emotion. It was out of keeping with the tone. Overall I think this is good work, especially given the minefield of potential melodrama surrounding the topic.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Only stare blankly into the darkness. Do you like this extra word? An adjective might sound good here. OH my god this poor child. The poem—it touches, it cries out to the reader. Ok this is what a poem is. A poem cannot be just a string of useless words tied together in order to get published. You have soul. I cannot improve. Thank you. Respectively, Sandi K.
GraceWithInk reviewed Version 1 -
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I LOVE this piece!
Your odd usage of capitalization is appropriately placed throughout the poem, and the depth is infinite.
I especially like the comparison of depression to a child. Stunning.
peace
grace
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t understand the comparison of depression to “child.” Although the second paragraph would be perfect for describing depression, the third is a bit confusing, and I would not guess that it was about depression if it was a stand alone paragraph. You have talent in writing, just clarify the subject a little more.
avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
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should be “scars” and “burns”
and in the title “it” should be capitalized
lovely poem
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